New Years Resolutions

Every year around this time everyone conjures up a list of things they would like to accomplish in the new year. I, myself, have done this but it seems as though I never do accomplish these things. I do have goals that I am setting for myself for the year 2011 that I am going to try my hardest to follow and stay focused to accomplish. This is my list:

1. Lose 20-30lbs

2. Get a permanent job with benefits

3. Start paying off my student loans

4. Find a man

Well #4 isn't really realistic because it's more of what I would like to happen that is way beyond my control, but it would be nice if it came true.

On another note, I will most likely be bringing in the new year with my girls drinking and laughing and eating some good food. I hope everyone has a safe night and bring in the new year right!!

What are your new years resolutions???

Happy Birthday Daddy!!!

At 12am I reached for my phone to be the 1st to call my dad and wish him a happy birthday. Every year my siblings and I compete to see who would be the 1st and every year I would beat them. I start typing in the letters D-A...and there's no matches. It then clicks to me that you are no longer here with me. You are now stored under my brother's name since he now has your phone.

Today would've made you 58years old but you would still look like you were in your 40s and would still be acting like you were in your early 30s. I miss the jokes you use to tell and the childish games you played just to get a good laugh. I miss seeing you smile and seeing your taxi cab pull up outside at the end of the day. I miss being able to call you just to see how your day is going or letting you know about something that just happened to me. I miss talking to you and spending time just watching movies.

The other day I felt like I wasted time not being around you when you were here with me. I went away to school and only got to see you every other month if I was lucky, but luckily I made sure I spoke to you everyday. When I did come home, I spent a lot of time hanging out with friends. Now I wish I would've spent more time with you. I think about the fact that I rarely came to the hospital to visit you because of my work schedule. Those were moments I wont ever get back. I remember my last night seeing you. We all came to visit that saturday and spent the day in your hospital room making jokes. It was nice to see you smile. I promised I would come to see you Monday because Sunday I had to work. I would've never thought that would've been the last time I would get to see you smile or get to hold your hand or tell you that I love you.

I'm glad you aren't suffering anymore, but now I am. I miss you dearly and I'm so very sad I can't celebrate this day with you. I hope you are in heaven enjoying your birthday daddy. I love you so much and I hope you are looking down on me and smiling at the young lady you raised. Happy 58th birthday!!!!

Butt Touching

A friend of mine asked an interesting question on twitter to the guys "Would yall be okay with a female touching your butt?"

Now at first glance, this seems like a simple question because females do have the tendency to grab a males behind and its no big deal but then we went in depth with the question. Would males be comfortable if the girl grabbed the butt during sexual activity? This one guy replied that he would not be comfortable with it and this isn't the first time I heard that response.

I had an ex who refused to let me anywhere near his behind. If I was just playing around and grabbed his behind he would jump away from me or grab my hand and tell me to stop. I use to always find this funny, but I never quite understood what the big deal was. Now, I would definitely understand if I was headed to his a** crack (which I would NEVER YUCKK!!!) but I wasn't. But on the other hand, you have men who like when women grab their behind or even "toss their salad". So this leads me to asking:

Men- Would you allow a female to grab your butt? If you say no, why not? Females- Have you ever been in the situation where the man wouldn't allow you near his buttocks? Would you ever "toss a salad"??

The "Good Girl"

Today I had an interesting conversation with a male friend of mine, lets call him RC. He had his bbm status as "Every chick says their a "good girl" with the bbm sarcastic face. This led us to discussing this good girl notion.

I made the comment that I am a good girl and he automatically jumped to the question "Was every man that I had sex with my man?" So I replied that if the answer was yes, that wouldn't make me a good girl nor a bad girl. He then went on to state that when girls say they are a "good girl" they are trying to say that all the guys they have slept with have been their bf at a point in time. I disagree with this interpretation. I think this can be analyzed differently. I think when a female makes that statement, she can be saying that she sleeps with one man at a time. In other words, if she is sexually active with you, she will not engage in sexual activity with anyone else.

This led us into discussing why do females feel the need to let it be known that they are a "good girl" in the first place. I think females make this statement for different reasons. One reason could be that they are trying to believe this "lie" because deep down they know they are far from a good girl. Another reason could be because she just doesn't want the man to judge her. Many of us are freaky in the bedroom and may have a way with words, but this can cause certain men to label and judge us. For example, if 2 individuals are having sex for the 1st time and the girl goes down on him and does crazy positions or whatever, the man is going to love it but he may also be wondering who else she has done this for and so on. I, personally, will not go down on a man the first few times we engage in sexual activity because I don't do it to everyone and if I do want to do it to him, I don't want to be judged. There are just a lot of close minded and ignorant people out there that as females, we can't help but be cautious on things we do.

What are your thoughts? Do you associate the "good girl" name with how many partners a girl has had?

Meltdown

Last night I had a complete meltdown. I think one day I am going to go completely crazy and throw a temper tantrum.

It started with watching tv in dear old mommy's room when she says she wants to take a nap before going to church. So I said okay and went into my sisters room/where I sleep/ex living room and go on my computer and watch tv with my sisters. They then leave for church leaving me with the tv and peace and quiet. Now last night there were 3 good things on tv at the same time, documentary on Nicki Minaj, Soul Train Awards, and Real Housewives of Atlanta. So I'm flipping back and forth trying to watch all three shows when everyone returns from church. When they walk in, I am watching Nicki Minaj and my older sister is saying change it because she doesn't want to watch it and all this nonsense and even though I informed her the show would be over in 15min she kept carrying on. So I said take your stupid ass remote control and I went upstairs. Then my mom wants to put in her 2 cents as if I'm not already annoyed so I bark on her. Then I cursed. Now this may not be a big thing, but I never curse in front my holy mother (unless I'm joking or reciting a story).

I finish watching my shows and then I decide to go to bed. Now everything hits me, this isn't suppose to be how my life is right now. I graduated with honors from school, yet I still don't have a permanent job. My dad told me he would be there to help me out when he got out the hospital, but he left me. This is when the tears started falling and I couldn't quite get it to stop. I blamed God for taking away the only man that seemed to love me and wanted to help me in any way possible. He promised everything was going to be okay, but instead everything got worse. My other sis tried to console me, as well as my bff but in the end no one can ever help. This pain will never go away. The fact that I'm still living at home without a room and living in bins and sharing closets isn't helping either. I just wanna know when it will be my turn to just be happy again??!!!

Twitter Fronting

Now one thing that I HATE the most is when people front for twitter. They pretend to be someone they really aren't to impress people on the internet, but they forget that some of us know them off the internet.

Now the guy from "Disaster Date" is a perfect example. During our dates we had many discussions on dating and money and he let it be known he was cheap and that he wouldn't take a date or his gf to a fancy restaurant because he doesn't want to have to change himself. So of all the days his mute expired, it happened the day he decides to post on twitter that he will take his gf to certain restaurants and wouldn't mind spending money on them to make her happy. Whoaaaa but that's not what you told me. So I commented and he had the nerve to tell me not to butt in. Excuse me sir but if you didn't notice, this is twitter so I will butt in if I want. So I decided to unfollow him after that day.

So the other day my bff (which he doesn't know from a hole in the wall) decided to unfollow him and his thirsty ass questioned her about it and she replied that her bestie (me) put her on to him. This man BLEW UP!!! He goes to say "wow she made you unfollow me because I curved her"..."she's just mad cuz I didn't want to mess with her like that and she's a lame and wack and so are you". Now I replied "you definitely didn't curve me and your mad wack for fronting for twitter". He has the nerve to say I'm ugly and I need tyra number for a makeover but he forgets I have all his messages saying how pretty I am and how he doesn't want to put himself out there if I don't want to talk to him like that.

He kept going on and on but I politely told him he's wack and I don't have time to argue via twitter so he can beat it and keep fronting for twitter. Now I'll tell you this, if I see him and he decides to continue, I'm airing his whole business out. People take my kindness for weakness and I need to shut him down :)

Disaster Date

The other night I went on a "date" with a friend. Now let me be clear that me and this guy are/were just friends. I wasn't in no shape or form attracted to him (but I can't say the same about him).

We flirted here and there on twitter and he let it be known numerously that he found me attractive and wanted to know if I had feelings for him. I told him I am just a flirt and just see him as a friend. He wanted to go see Saw 3D and I said I would go and that would be our date.

The night came and he came and picked me up and we drove to the theaters. In the car we made small talk and got into a mini argument on our views about dating and relationships. (He's very very close minded). We get to the theater and he gives me $40 to get the tickets as he goes to find parking. He makes it to me just as I am about to purchase the tickets and when he sees that the tickets are $16.50 a piece, he goes crazy but still purchases them. The lady gives me back $7 and I hand it to him since it is his money and he looks at me like I'm crazy saying its only 7 bucks so I'm like fine give it back to me and he says no and puts it in his pocket. (So you're saying that's chump change but your quick to stuff it in your pocket hmmm).

After the movie I say lets go for drinks since its still early and he says ok so I let him know there's an Applebees a few blocks down and we drive there. We get to the bar and I order a drink and he gets one. Now I see he post on twitter that he finally took me out and paid (wtf!!). Then we both order appetizers and just make conversation. He proceeds to tell me that he is a cheap guy and he will spend money on things and later regret it. Then we get into multiple arguments about different things. (I guess I should tell yall that I am very strong minded and always have a point to make). By this time I'm annoyed with him. Now I'm done with my drink and I order another. The look that I get from this man was crazy but I paid him no mind. So he makes a comment about if he was to go sit somewhere else, what would I do with the check. I said I would tell them to bill it to him. He says no you won't so I make it clear that if he doesn't want to pay I will pay for myself. Stop treating me like I'm broke. Anyway, the check comes and its $48 and do you know this man had the nerve to complain. I couldn't believe it.

On our way back to my house, we get into yet another argument and I shut him down and get out of the car. I couldn't believe he was acting this way and I chose to mute him on twitter and we haven't really spoken since. But boy did he have pent up anger......

Thanksgiving

Happy Belated Thanksgiving everyone!!! I hope everyone enjoyed the time spent with friends and family and lets not forget....THE FOOD!!!

I had a GREAT GREAT Thanksgiving. Well, it really started off Wednesday after work. I went out for drinks with my sister and best friend and then ended up at a friend's birthday party. I was getting drink after drink and loving it. Of course that caused me to make a phone call to have a happy ending lol.

Yesterday I laid in bed until the food was ready and went over to my brothers house and hung out with the fam. I originally was going to go visit my aunt but then I changed my mind and went out with friends. First stop was my home girl grandmother's house where we hung out and told jokes and planned our next vacay. Then this guy came who I was talking to and he just cut me off out of nowhere after meeting me once. He proceeded to ask my homegirl who I was because my hair is different (I have bangs now) and I know he felt really lame (yessss lol). Then I went to visit my other best friend and then ended the night at my other home girl house where we played gestures. It was a great night. Only bad thing is I'm at work now and I only had 3hrs of sleep. But hey I'm young right.

Diaper Change

I was watching an old episode of "Teen Mom" the other day and one of the mothers allowed her current boyfriend to change the diaper of her daughter. When her baby father asked her about this, she admitted that she did allow it and he got really upset and stormed off.

Now at first, I was annoyed with the baby father because I didn't see what the big deal was. If she is busy doing something, then what is the problem with her significant other helping her out and changing the diapers. I then spoke to a few friends and my mother about this and they helped me to understand the perspective of the father. It isn't okay for another man to be in the private area of your daughter. Granted he was just helping, but with all these weird sick men out there, who's to say what is going on in the mind of your man. A little thing as changing the baby diaper can lead to other things that aren't appropriate.

Do you agree with the baby father in this matter? Is it okay for another man to change the diaper of your baby girl? Women - would you allow your current boyfriend to change the diaper of your little girl?

Losing Interest

I think I am beginning to lose interest in Mr. WipeMeDown. A part of me thinks that's a good thing, while the other part doesn't want this to happen.

I'm not sure if I've said this before but Mr. WipeMeDown is always busy because of the fact that he works 2 jobs. I understand it and I commend him for it BUT its to the point now where it's affecting my time with him. I don't mean this to sound like I don't want him to go out there and make his money though.

There are days when he would be off from one job or even both jobs, and instead of just hitting me up to even tell me, he's tweeting about going out with his homegirls or the guys. Now, I know I can be very jealous but I'm really not upset that he is trying to chill with his friend. I am upset that he doesn't even think to hit me up. Not only do I just want to see him or hang out with him sometimes, but I am a horn dog sad to say. I have needs and when he's MIA my needs go unnoticed. He once told me that as long as he stays busy with his 2 jobs, lack of sex doesn't really affect him. This isn't the case with me. I think about sex A LOT and I want it when I want it lol.

I also hate the fact that when he wants sex, I'm available and ready to go there and satisfy him, but when I want sex I can't get it. Then to make matters worse, his nonchalant attitude turns me off. When I tell him how I feel, he has the whole "I Don't Care" attitude". Then when we do have sex, I'm not entirely satisfied.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. WipeMeDown is great in bed, but when he's tired he does a half ass job and lately every time we do get to have sex, he's tired. It leaves me wanting more. I'm ok with the 1st round just being ok but I will need more rounds to satisfy me and he isn't up to it. He just cleans up and goes to sleep. Then last night after we finished, I went to touch him and he kind of freaked and that shit turned me off. I think I'm going to go back to my old partner who is great in bed, but refuses to go down on me smh. Its like a lose lose situation with these men.

Stinky Feet

So I have this coworker who finds the need to take his shoes off EVERYDAY at work. He sits right next to me and I must say I am quite annoyed. I am not against people taking their shoes off at work or anything, but PLEASE PLEASE if you feel the need to do so, make sure you wash your feet and wear clean socks and your shoes don't have an odor.

This was not the case with my coworker. I'm pretty sure he knows his feet smells because if it could slap me the way it does everyday that I come to work, then I'm pretty sure it slapped him or his girlfriend a few times. Everyday I would complain on my bbm status or on twitter and everyone would say just say something to the guy but I didn't want to. Don't get me wrong, I was not afraid, but more so embarrassed for him. If I was in his position and someone told me that my feet stinks, I wouldn't know how to react.

Yesterday I got so fed up that I decided to write a note. Now I think my note was pretty straight forward and not as rude as I usually am, but other people think otherwise. The note read:

Hey, I don't want to be rude or anything but we would appreciate it if you would refrain from taking your shoes off because your feet stinks. We tried to just bare with the stench but its getting to the point where we either have to hold our breath or leave the room and that's not fair to us. Its actually quite suffocating. Thanks in advance!!

Now when he left the room I put the note on his book in front of his computer just to make sure that he would find the note. He comes back into the room and just stares at the screen. He doesn't even look down and I know he sees the note just laying there. When he finally does look down, he turns the page of the book leaving the note there. So for the rest of the day he doesn't say anything about the note but I tell my other coworker if he takes his shoes off tomorrow and I smell his damn feet, I'm gonna go crazy on him because I tried to be nice about it.

I think he either read the note when I initially wrote it and had left the room or when I had gone to the bathroom after I gave it to him. Either way I don't appreciate coming to work to have to hold my breath as if I'm a garbage collector.

So today at work, stinky feet takes his shoes off and has his foot all near for me to see. Surprisingly, there wasn't a stench. So I'm guessing he either finally decided to wash his feet or change his damn socks. It's sad that I had to write a note for that to actually happen. But the moment I smell his feet again I'm saying something.

Have you ever had to work with someone who had a disturbing odor coming from some part of their body and didn't know how to address the issue? What did you do?

Disappointment

So I have been working for a company as a temp for about 3 months now and although I knew it was only a temporary position, I was sort of hoping that it would turn into a permanent thing. The other day my boss tells us that he is looking to keep about 3 people but its a hard decision because all 8 of us are doing a really good job. Yesterday he interviewed each one of us and told us about the position, salary and benefits. I was a lil excited because I felt finally things in my life may start going the way I need and want them to. He said that he would make his decision by next Wednesday the latest.

Today I come into work hoping that maybe he would make his decision instead of having us wait but I didn't see an email so it was either I wasn't chosen or he didn't decide yet. Then my coworker tells me that he did choose and he chose 4 pple instead of 3 and they are all from the other room.

Now I'm not gonna hate on them but I just kind of feel like that's unfair. If everyone is doing such a good job to where your decision is so hard why are you only picking people from one room? Then to top it off, you get noise complaints about that room all the time. It just seems as if its favoritism because he does interact with the people in that room more than my room.

All in all I'm disappointed because I will be back on my unemployed status in a couple weeks and will have to search for another position. This just sucks!!!!

Four lokkos

I'm sure everyone has heard of this new drink that seems to be getting really popular amongst young teenagers. For those of you who aren't, this is an alcoholic beverage that has about 12% of alcohol, which equals to about 6 beers, coffee, and even cocaine.

I actually had the chance to taste this drink and I wasn't a fan of it, but I have a few friends who actually really like this drink. I think the fact that I heard the cocaine part, it completely took away all interests in this drink.

Last night I was watching the news, and apparently this drink is much more dangerous than most people like to think. According to the news, several college students were rushed to the hospital after drinking this drink. Some people pass out, while others throw up continuously. I know as a young adult mostly everyone likes to drink and just let loose, but if you don't take the time out to actually understand what it is you are putting in your system, you will regret it. I personally think this drink should be taken off the market because there is just too much going on with it and I've heard nothing but negative consequences and feedback.

The Fantasy

"She shows up at his house in nothing but a pair of 5in stilettos and a long black trench coat. He opens the door and she slowly opens her coat and shows him what's waiting for him. He stands there with his mouth open wide and she walks inside, kicks the door close and lets her coat drop to the floor. He grabs her and pushes her against the wall and starts kissing her passionately. He then starts kissing and sucking her neck and licks her ear. She almost melts in his arm because that's her spot right there, but he uses his weight to hold her up. He slowly makes his way south, making sure to kiss every part of her body. He starts sucking on her left nipple and flicks his tongue on it and gently bites sending her hormones into overdrive. The juices start flowing down her leg as her knees start to buckle. He then shows some attention to the right nipple and then squeezes them together while licking and biting. He continues down licking her stomach and her navel. He kisses her inner thigh and brings up her right leg and places it over his shoulder and parts her the lips that cover the prize that he's trying to get. He starts licking n sucking her clit and he felt it hard knowing he had her where he wanted. He inserts 2 fingers and then a 3rd as he continues to suck on the clit. A second later her body starts shaking as she cums all over his lips and he happily sucked it all down. She regains her composure and decides she needs to take back control. She pulls him to his feet and pushes him to the couch and gets down on her knees in front of him. She releases his dick and licks her lips in anticipation. She puts her warm mouth on his penis and starts sucking. He starts to moan and she starts playing with his balls while sucking his dick. She licks the tip and then spits on it and continues sucking. She then puts the whole dick in her mouth and allows her walls to surround the penis. She feels that he wants to cum but he's not ready for that so he eases his member out of her mouth. He stands her up and starts kissing her aggressively while playing with her pussy. She ends the kiss and turns around and bends down and shakes her ass for him. She turns her head and winks at him. He moves closer to her n slaps her ass. He then takes his dick and rubs it on her already wet pussy and then puts it in. He loves the feel of her pussy around his dick, it seems as if it was made just for him and he lets out a moan. He starts off slow and then starts pounding into her. She starts screaming words of ecstasy and tells him to go harder "fuck me daddy" is all she keeps telling him. In no time she reaches another orgasm. He pulls out of her and she makes him sit down on a chair and climbs on top. She starts riding him and he's sucking on her breast. "Yea daddy right there, OMG this shit feels so good". He lets off a load right there and her pussy sucks it all up. He's not quite done with her yet though. He leads her into the bedroom and ties her hands to the headboard and blindfolds her. He then goes into the kitchen and gets the whip cream from the refrigerator and comes back into the room. She wonders what he's about to do next but she doesn't have to wait long to find out. He puts the whip cream all over her body, her nipples, navel and on her pussy. He then goes on to licking everything off. He enjoys pleasing his women and after getting her to reach another orgasm he unties her and fucks her in every position. Once that is over they get into the shower and wash each other and head to the room to get some much needed rest. "

I wake up and I'm turned on by this dream. I quickly send that text and head over to see my "WipeMeDown".

I'm Not a Fan Of This Position

So Mr. WipeMeDown and I have a really good sex life (when we do see each other that is). He is pretty good in bed and I don't really have any complaint........except for one thing!!

I really do not care for the sideway posiiton where both the male and female are on their side and the guy is humping away. I really think this is just lazy sex. I much rather the missionary position or just straight up doggy style.

At first we use to do all sorts of positions but lately its always the same. I told him I don't care for it anymore. Like the sex is good, but there's not much anymore. There's barely any foreplay and we always wind up in that sideway position. Now usually it doesn't bother me if I know we will get to do more afterwards but thats not the case. I just don't feel completely satisfied when that's all I get.

Is there a position that you just don't care for during sex???

Disturbing News

I was watching the news the other night and although pretty much everything on there is sad, this one really stuck out to me.

This husband and father of 2 went and picked up his kids from school and brought them home. Once there, he shot the 2 kids in the head and then took his own life. Now I don't know what could've possibly been that bad for him to do such a thing, but it just made me soo sad. His wife was distraught. According to the news, the couple were separated but still living together and she found out when she got home from work.

I hate to hear about news of this sort. I always wonder what could be so bad in ones life that they have to kill their kids. I personally don't have any kids, but when I'm with my niece and nephews, or any kids for that matter, I just wonder how could someone ever want to hurt them. Now because of this man's selfish act, he left his wife grieving for her only 2 kids as well as her husband.

Massaging Your Way to the Draws

Sorry readers but I definitely got sidetracked last post. I was initially going to write about how guys use "massages" as a way to have sex. So I will just do that post now lol.

Now as mentioned in my last blog, Mr. WipeMeDown definitely wooed me in with the intentions of getting a massage that never happened. But I realize that this wasn't the first time it happened. A couple years ago I was talking to a friend and he asked me to come over after the club and I went. We are just laying on the bed watching tv when he ask if I'd like a massage so I, of course, say ok. So I lay on my stomach and he starts giving me a massage. During this massage, he starts kissing on my neck (which is one of my weaknesses) and from then on I was all his.

Another time I was hanging out with a homeboy who offered to give me a massage and as he was doing so he lifted up my dress and started massaging my butt. Now nothing happened in this particular instance because I really wasn't trying to go that route with said guy but I know if I allowed him to continue, we would've definitely had sex.

I can name a few other times where guys always offer a massage with the intention of getting me turned on but it all leads to my conclusion that guys really think this is the way to get in the draws. Now most cases, it really does work but I wonder if they ever think of any other ways to try and initiate sex.

Has anyone else come to this conclusion from past experiences or am I on my own with this "hypothesis"??

Massage

I've come to notice that people use massages as way in, a way to get you alone and possibly engage in sexual activities.

When I first met Mr. WipeMeDown I wasn't interested in anything, not even a friendship really. To me he was just a friend of a friend. Then one day he hits me up on twitter asking about a certain movie which led to us exchanging numbers and talking about other things. Then we started talking about massages and I asked him for one. He went on to say if he gives me a massage I would have to be naked and I reply that would be fine, as long as there was a sheet over my bottom half. He said that would be fine but he would take a peak. We flirted back and forth but to me it was all just talk because I didn't think I would ever go there with him.

One night Mr. WipeMeDown texts me saying he would like his massage and I replied he has to give me one first and he said that would be fine. So I got in a cab and went over to his place. We sit up talking and watching tv until 4am and then retreat to the bedroom for "bed". He gives me a tshirt to sleep in and I crawl into the bed. While laying there watching television, I turn on my side to see what he would do. Of course like any other male he puts his arm around me and then slips it under my shirt. "O lord, He's already starting something" is all I'm thinking but I don't pull away. He then proceeds to turn me onto my back and then lifts up my shirt. He sucks on my breasts and starts to make his way down placing gentle kisses down my body. Now all I'm thinking is I know he is not going to do what I think. But boy was I wrong. He slips off my boy shorts and starts licking and sucking. From there he has me in his world and I give him what he wants, sex!! Now to say that it was great is an understatement. I was beyond shocked though because from his appearance I expected him to be small and the sex to not be all that but thank God I was wrong.

Next morning, I remind him that he never gave me my massage so he still owes me that and next time I want it. This began the sexapades with Mr. WipeMeDown.

New Beginnings

So since the last time I've been here, I've been fired and let go of Stuy.

As you all know I hated my job but it allowed me to have money in my pockets so I was somewhat grateful. Well new managers came into the store and couldn't stand the fact that I didn't hold my tongue on certain subjects, especially when it pertained to them not doing their job correctly. So they found a really stupid to let me go (which wasn't justified and I am forced to take action). The good thing about that is a temp agency was able to find me a position in an office and I have to say I love it wayyy better than my last job.

Stuy is gone people!!! I just couldn't stick around for the bullsh** anymore. Things just weren't the same with us and an incident occurred that really sent red flags my way. One day while doing the do he just suddenly got soft on me. My reaction..."WTF!!!!". Now automatically I thought it was my fault and he said it wouldn't happen again but I never put myself in that position to even let it happen again. I just let it go and told myself it was time to move on with my life.

So now I am looking for a permanent position as well as looking into finding a way to go back to school to get my MBA. I also started meeting other people which I will discuss in upcoming blogs. Stay Tuned!!

I'm Back...Promise!!!

Ok I know I keep taking these long breaks from here and always say I'm going to start blogging again but never do, but I am back for sure. I really missed this place and so much has been happening in my life that I needed to share but never did so I will be putting yall up to speed with a few things. Stay tuned pple...your girl is back :)

Settling Shouldn't Be an Option

I just finished this book called "A Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Zane and it really made me think about some things. The book focused around 2 separate couples who had nothing to do with each other and gave a description about their relationships. The first couple was Brooke and Patrick and they had a very weird but common relationship. Brooke was in love with Patrick and Patrick claimed that he loved her as well but he had a weird way of showing it. He disrespected her by calling her all sorts of things like bitch, fat, sloppy etc... whenever she didn't do things he wanted her to do and he never stood up for her when it came to his parents or family friends. No matter how many times he disrespected Brooke, she would leave but she always came back. She even witnessed him sleeping with another woman and she came back to him after leaving for a few weeks.

This relationship is really what had me thinking because its not an unusual scenario. Many women (and men for that matter) find themselves in this predicament where they know that they are in an unhealthy relationship and that they do deserve better, yet they continue to stay with their significant other. In the book Brooke's friend makes a comment that all men step out on their ladies at some point in the relationship and you just have to accept the fact because it is inevitable. I don't know how many women actually believe that, but I know I wouldn't stand for it. I don't think all men cheat, although a majority do, I do think there are men out there that are faithful. As for women that actually believe that they should just accept the fact that their man is cheating on them and just turn the other cheek, news flash, you need to move on. I don't think anyone should feel that they need to stay in a relationship because they can't do better or anything. There is someone out there for everyone and just because a relationship isn't working out doesn't mean that you need to stay in it to just wait and see if things will get better. You can't change someone if they don't want to change for themselves.

Brooke kept going back to Patrick believing that she would never find a man better than him, but once she finally doing something with her life, she realized that she could do better and ended up with a better man who respected her.

Ashamed and Embarrassed

As I mentioned before, my trip to LA was pretty good. I had a good time with my friends but the trip also brought out some deep emotions that I never really acknowledged before.

Now I have never really dwelled on the fact that I don't walk around with designer bags, shoes or accessories because in the end I can't afford that type of stuff right now. There has been times where I'm with friends and they have on their expensive purses and glasses and I'm rocking regular stuff and I feel a lil "unfortunate", but the feeling would fade as soon as it comes. Well on this particular trip, this wasn't the case. We practically went to the mall everyday that we was in LA and my friends made it their duty to buy plenty of things each and every time. In my case, I didn't buy anything because I knew I didn't have much money due to me just coming from Mexico 2 days before going to LA. So I just gave my opinion on things that they were purchasing and just stayed to myself really.

Well 2 days ago we were at the mall and they are shopping yet again and just picking up things and just charging it and it hit me that I probably wouldn't be able to do that for years. Then I just thought of how things were a lil easier with my daddy around and the water works started. I had my dark shades on that day so I just made sure to keep it from my friend. As she was shopping for glasses she offered to buy me a pair but I declined. I just didn't want the pity so I just walked away. The next morning I was going through my cash and realized that I had enough to pay for the hotel, valet and eat breakfast. So I tell my friend I wouldn't have enough for dinner and she said ok that wont be a problem. We went to the mall again that day and my friend insisted on buying me a pair of shoes and she did. I was grateful but deep down, I was still ashamed because I didn't have the money to buy it myself. She also ended up paying for my breakfast that day (and I was very confused on why she did so but when I tried to question it, she told me to hush so I left it alone). That evening as we were getting ready for dinner, she asked me if I was going to carry a bag and I replied that I wouldn't and she asked well how am I gonna carry my stuff and I just shrugged. She went on to ask how am I going to pay for dinner and that just struck a cord in me. My sensitive ass started to silently cry. I'm not quite sure what made me cry, but I think everything was just becoming too much for me. I felt like that was her way of letting me know that she didn't want to pay for me and she was tired of having to do so, I cried because my father would hate to see me depending on other people, I cried because I was embarrassed and felt little next to my friends (even though I know I shouldn't have felt that way). I called my sis and told her the situation and we decided that I just wouldn't eat anything but the lil heifer betrayed me and ended up telling my friend why I was upset and she got mad that I didn't tell her.

I've come to the point where now I don't want to ever feel like that again. Even though I hate my job, thats the way I can have some type of financial security. I also have decided to refrain from doing anything when not having the proper cash flow. I have always allowed my friend to pay for me when she insisted I come out even after telling her I wouldn't be able to pay but I am going to put an end to that. I can't keep allowing myself to feel so little. I will try and get my ish together because I know my dad is looking down on me and isn't happy at what he is seeing.

Vacations

I haven't blogged in what feels like ages mostly because I didn't really have anything to discuss. Everything in my life has been blah and I have been through an emotional roller coaster but nothing too serious.

Well I have gone on vacations with my girls. For memorial wknd I went to Cancun, Mexico and had a blast. Our hotel was nice and we met some new pple and drank day in and out. Every single one of my friends got drunk at least once, except for my alcoholic ass. I must've had like 10 shots, and drinks after drinks and I never got a buzz.. Of course we took millions of pictures and we got closer as we always do everytime we go on vacation together.

Two days after I came back from Mexico, I went to Los Angeles to celebrate my best friend's 23rd bday and we had a lot of fun there as well. Although it was just 3 of us that went, we were still able to have a good time and take just as many pics as we would have if all the girls were there. I loved LA but it isn't somewhere to visit if you are not financially stable so of course I did have my emotional roller coaster there as well, which I will discuss on another blog.

Now I am back home and tomorrow I go back to the hell hole I call my job. I hate that job but it's the only thing that is keeping money in my pocket so until I find a new gig (which I hope will happen really soon), I am stuck there. Pray for me pple because I need something soon before I have a complete meltdown.

A Real Date

So I'm laying in bed chatting with some of my girls and we begin helping my best friend figure out what she's going to wear to her date tonight. She was thinking of going with some jeans and heels or something low key since she doesn't know where she's going and the weather outside is pretty nasty. But then my homegirl tells her to wear a dress and some heels, preferable green because that's the guys favorite color. The convo then goes into how her ex would just say he's taking her out and she would always wear a dress because she never knew where they would be going and that's when it hit me, I'VE NEVER HAD A REAL DATE BEFORE.

Now don't get me wrong, I've gone out with plenty of guys and stuff but I never really had that real date vibe. When the guy comes and picks you up from your house and drives to this really nice restaurant and you enjoy your night with each other and all that mushy stuff. I wonder if I just don't know how to pick these males or something. Every time I do go out with a guy its usually to the movies or we just chill at his crib. Although I do enjoy doing these things, I would really like to go on that nice real date where I can put on a really nice outfit with some heels and he takes me out to a nice place and we get to know each other. Hopefully one day this can happen for me.

Why Did I Get Married 2

Last night was bonding night with all 3 of my sisters and we went to go see "Why Did I Get Married 2" and then went to dinner. It was really a nice time and drama free thank God.

Now this movie was GREAT!!!! I would definitely recommend it to any and everyone because it is a must see. It had me laughing throughout the whole movie and it brought me to tears in certain scenes. I would like to go into detail but I really don't want to ruin it for anyone so I'll try to keep it vague.

Angela was her usual crazy self and was out of control with her mouth, and once again her husband couldn't do anything about it. Sheila and Troy were beautiful together and I was happy things were working out in her favor but there's a move she pulled in the movie and all I kept saying to myself was, "Did this girl not see Soul Food?" smh. They went through an issue that a lot of married couples go through and that men have a problem with, which is a man's pride. Patricia and Gavin always seemed to be the couple that had their ish together but this movie proved that they were going through way more than everyone else and it just became too much for them to handle. Their relationship teaches a lesson that if you hold all your feelings inside, one day you will blow up and everything will come out and there will be some serious consequences. I was taken aback by this consequence, but I guess it gave the movie the "juice" that made it soooo realistic. Terry and Diane's relationship seemed to do pretty well as well but that "cheating" that was done could cause some serious havoc. I too feel that the worst scenario is when emotions are involved. Mike also teaches a vital lesson as to what happens when dealing with 80/20.

If you haven't seen this movie yet, I don't know what you're waiting for. I may even go see it again in the theaters and I am definitely buying it on dvd to go with my "Why Did I Get Married". For those of you who did see the movie, what did you think???

Witness to Suicide

Today something very tragic occurred on 34th street. As a co-worker of mine was on her lunch break, she witnessed a suicide. She was walking down the street to Chipotle and out of nowhere a man lands right in front of her DEAD!!! He allegedly jumped out of a window or off of a building plunging to his death. She came back to the job and told us what she'd seen and then threw up. She began to cry and was in utter shock. My manager had to send her home early due to her condition.

Now I sit and think how would I have reacted if I was in her shoes. I know I would have definitely screamed because any little thing makes me jump. But would I have been able to get that image out of my head? I really have the feeling that my co-worker will need counseling because that sight may forever be etched into her mind. I just hope she can get over what she has seen and that that 21yr old man has found peace.

Way Too Observant

I've come to realize that I am entirely way too observant towards other people. Last night I was hanging out with Mr. P and I found myself depicting things to him about himself. Although I tried not to seem like I was judging too much or anything I was voicing what I usually look for in a guy. Like for instance, his jeans are a little baggier than I would like but I have seen him in fitted jeans and they look nice on him and he needs wear jeans like that more often. I also asked him if he dresses up sometimes and he replied no; the only time he wore a suit was to go to a funeral a couple years ago. So I asked if he wears shoes or cardigans and such and he said not really, but he does see himself changing phases and whatnot.

So today I'm talking to my best friend and I'm letting her know about the convo and my observations and everything and other lil stuff that might make me seem petty and she said to me that I am way too observant and I shouldn't let these things mess up something that can be good for me.

In all honestly I don't think I'm letting these things ruin us because I am still around him, I just can't help to let my mind wander. Is it bad that I just like to see guys dressed certain way? But I am going to try and stop "observing" and just enjoy my time with Mr. P and wait to see if we will work out.

Brooklyn's Finest

Now I don't want to ruin this movie for those of you who haven't seen it yet, but I honestly don't think the movie was all that. It was pretty good for the most part and had a real good cast but it isn't a movie that could be compared to "Training Day". There were some twists to the story which made it good, but I think they ended the movie the wrong way. I don't think those who died in the end deserved to die at all. This movie also didn't seem to follow rules that cops in reality have to follow so it made it kind of unbelievable to some. Between the rating of 1-10 I would give this movie a 3 or 4. For those of you who did see the movie what did you think???

Back On My Grind

I really hate the fact that I have a slow metabolism. Its like I can never lose weight and keep it off if I don't stay in the gym or eating healthy and its sooo annoying. Last April I started going to the gym trying to lose 20lbs and tone up my mid section for my vacation in DR. Although I ended up losing almost 15lbs, you couldn't really see it. Granted everyone was telling me how small I got but my mid section was still big in my eyes.

After my DR trip I pretty much fell off and didn't have much motivation to go to the gym anymore and I started eating unhealthy again. Now we have our next vacation to Cancun in about 3 months and I decided its time for me to start working out again. I go to the gym the other day with my sister and weigh myself and I notice I gained about 20lbs. LIKE WTF!!!!!! So now I'm tryna get dedicated to losing weight as well as inches for this trip and for myself. I am even going to invest in a personal trainer to make sure I get the results that I want. I want to be able to wear a 2piece on this vacay and look good in it. I'll keep yall updated on how this is working out for me.

I Just Don't Know What I Want

There is a slight possibility that Stuy is back in the picture.

Ok let me rewind. The other day we are speaking and he says he wants to see me so we decide to hang out today by his crib. So throughout the day I am pampering myself (both for myself and for him i have to admit) and I hit him up to confirm that we will be seeing each other later in the evening. He then says "Be at my house at 645pm and if you're not, don't bother coming". I was like wtf!!! So I text back and tell him he is being rude and is all that necessary and he says he's just letting me know from jump. Fine!!!

I go home after the hair salon and try and kill time and then I leave my crib at 6 so I can get there on time. I then realize I may be running late and even though I don't want to admit it, I didn't want to not be able to see him or chill. Luckily I made it by his house at 647 and everything.

When I get inside, I just had a rush of feelings shoot inside of me and I'm thinking damn he looks good. I'm nervous as hell and I'm sitting at the edge of the bed with my coat and bag on my lap just looking at the television. Long story short, we end up talking and such n such and in the end he ask why aren't we together and he tells me he misses me and asks me what is it that I want??? The only question I wasn't able to answer was "what do I want" because I honestly don't know. It's like I miss this man and I love him and I'm comfortable with him, but I'm not quite sure if I want to be with him EXCLUSIVELY. I wish there was a sign to let me know what I should do.

You Don't Believe In What???

Last night I'm chilling with Mr. P and we are talking and watching a movie. Something in the movie leads me to ask him about God and this guy informs me that he doesn't believe in Him!! I look at him and say you have to be kidding me and he's like no he doesn't believe in God and when I ask why, he responds that he doesn't believe in the supernatural. By this time my jaw has dropped and I am in utter shock. I still think he's joking with me because he has a smirk on his face so I'm like nah be forreal right now and he says he's dead serious. So I back away from him and I'm asking why not and did he always feel this way and he says no, he use to go to catholic school and he was raised in a baptist home but as he grew up, he stopped believing. So I call him an atheist and he just chuckles. I ask if he believes in Jesus and he says yea so I ask then why not his father and he says because no one has seen God.

Now this is a very serious issue to me because I was raised in a baptist home as well and I still am one. I have to admit that I haven't been to church in quite some time for different reasons but my belief hasn't changed. I honestly don't know if I can date someone who doesn't believe in God. I know for a fact that I will be going to church again and I will want a guy that I get serious with to go with me and to meet my mother and if Mr. P ends up being that guy it won't happen. I especially wouldn't let him meet my mom because she is very very religious and she would automatically dislike him.

Do you think I'm overreacting with this? Would you date someone who doesn't believe in God??

My V-day

I wouldn't categorize myself as one of those females who bashes valentines day because of the fact that I am lonely or anything but I generally don't really care for the holiday. It is true that I don't care for it because there's never someone in my life around the time of this holiday so I usually spend it with friends or alone or even at work. This year I figured I might celebrate it because I was talking to someone but that didn't quite happen.

E-man hit me up that morning and we spoke briefly via texts and he told me he was out shopping with his fam and that was the end of it. He didn't say "happy vday shay" or even mention anything about us going out that night. So of course I just left it alone. I had another alternative for that night with a friend of a friend whom I recently started talking to. The plan was to just chill with him and watch the allstar game and although I didn't mind, I really wanted to go out and do something so I kind of put that in the backburner.

So I ended up spending the day in bed reading my book and playing games on the computer. I said I was not going to hit up E-man to find out what was going on because him not hitting me up is a way of letting me know that we wasn't going to do anything. I finally got out of bed around 7pm and showered but then I was stumped. I didn't know if I should get dressed or just get back into bed so I did what I said I wasn't going to do and I texted E-man and asked if we was still gonna catch a movie or whatever and he took a while to respond and informed me that he needs a raincheck because he couldn't make it. I didn't respond to him because I was upset. I always had the view that if a guy is bailing on you on vday its because the "main chick" in his life has his time and I don't fall 2nd in line for a guy. So I called the other guy, we'll call him Mr. P and he asked me if I still wanted to come over and although it was a troop from my crib I agreed.

I am very happy I did go because I ended up having a nice time. We chilled and talked and laughed and watched the game. He made me a virgin pina colada and it was banging and then when the game was over we went out and got something to eat and talked some more and got a better understanding of each other. He was going to teach me how to play pool but it was almost 2am and I had work in the morning so I asked for a raincheck. I didn't really know how he viewed me so when he dropped me home I just gave him a hug and told him to call me when he got home. All in all I had a nice vday for the first time in my 23yrs of life lol. I speak to Mr. P everyday and I wonder where this is going to go but I don't get to excited for it because I don't want to get my hopes shot down so I'm just taking this one day at a time.

Do You Believe in Psychics??

So my genius bff wanted to go see a psychic the other day and since I had nothing better to do, I went with her. I wasn't planning on getting myself read or anything, just going for moral support because I never believed in them; I always thought it was a scam to get money out of people. So while she was with my bff, I stayed in the outer room reading my book. When she finished, my bff came out and I asked her if the lady was any good and she said yes so I decided what the hell....still wondering if that was a big mistake or not.

Now the lady told my bff not to tell anyone about what they spoke about but she didn't tell me that so I'm not sure if its like against the rules or anything. So I will talk about some things she was able to tell me and things that kind of freaked me the hell out. First thing first, as soon as I walked into the room she was able to tell that I was Haitian and then she made me shuffle the cards. When I gave it back to her, the first card was DEVIL!!! My initial reaction was like what the hell??? The next card was freaking DEATH!!! (hence y I was freaked out) and the 3rd card was JUSTICE. Ok so the lady says she senses that I lost someone very close to me recently and I said yea my father passed away a few months ago and she's like his spirit is still with me and that he knows how much I'm hurting and he's not leaving my side. She also went on to say that the reason of his death that I was told isn't quite accurate and she asked what did they say he died from and I replied cancer. She shook her head no and said it was from witchcraft. Now the strange thing is that my mom honestly feels the same way, she thinks his sisters must have done something but of course there is no proof. Psychic lady went on to tell me that she see's that I'm having financial problems and relationship problems. She tells me that she sees I was in a relationship for 3-4yrs and I replied yes and she said we broke up because I felt like it wasn't going anywhere and I replied that was the truth and 'cause there were too many probs. In the end she informs me that I have spirits around me that are trying to get at me and that's why I'm having so much problems in different areas of life. So I ask how do I get rid of them, do I need to start going back to church or something and she says no I can pray anywhere, not necessarily church. She says there's this procedure she does that will get rid of the spirits and I respond but isn't that witchcraft and she's like no. Now this is when she makes me go back to my original views about it being all about money; she tells me the procedure is going to cost me $1200. Whoah lady sorry not happening.

Til this day I do wonder if what she told me is true because it could probably explain why there are so many problems in my life and with my fam. My mom says she doesn't believe in psychics because they are not worshipers of God (which I always agreed to). The psychic lady told me that once these spirits were gone, my career would take off and I would find that guy and everything will start working out the way they are suppose to. This sound so nice, but I'm not willing to have no procedure done on me nor am I about to cough up all that money for something I don't really believe in. What do you guys think???

New Guy

Well he's not really new, I did meet him while I was still with Stuy but I didn't really give him the time of day until now. Let's call him E-man. He's really nice and we started spending more time together and communicating via text. The other night he took me to this mexican restaurant in Soho and I had a pretty good time. At first I was a little uncomfortable because I decided to wear heels so I was a lil taller than him but after, it didn't even matter (for some reason after dinner I didn't seem that much taller lol). We got to talk and get to know eachother some more and I think the real reason I had such a nice time was because I never actually went on a "real date" with someone. I've gone out with guys, but its always to the movies, but I guess that's kind of my fault because that's what I always suggest because I'm a movie fanatic. I don't want to get my hopes up too much about E-man but it's nice to have someone paying me attention since my break up with Stuy (whom I still speak to from time to time). Let's see how this goes!!

What Does the Future Hold??

During my brief time in the Bahamas and on the plane rides to and from I thought about my life a lot, more so my love life. Even though being in a relationship isn't one of my main concerns at this moment, I often think about when I will be in a real relationship.

One night during dinner, my friends were talking about their recent ex's and how they dealt with trying to get over these men, their feelings and what's going on now pertaining to their status and I just sat there real quiet. I didn't have any input to add to the conversation because I was never in their positions, and I can't help but think why? I mean I'm an attractive girl and I have many good qualities, yet I always seem to be single. I talk to guys here and there and I recently did just break up with my "boyfriend" but it just doesn't seem to be the same to me. I don't think I've ever been in love honestly. I mean there was this guy back in college and I had real deep feelings for him, I still do actually, n I do love him but I really don't know if I was (am) in love with him. Then this recent ex I know I wasn't in love with him. I just want to experience the real love. I want to have a man in my life to share my joys and pain with, someone I can just open up to and do things with and introduce to my family and meet his family and actually work on building a future together.

I often say I don't believe in forever because of all the failed marriages that I know about and especially my parents marriage, but truth is I want that forever love. I keep asking if God will send a man my way for me to have this connection with, and I honestly don't know if it will happen. Most people will say that I'm still young and I shouldn't be worrying about that, but I want it soon. I want to just start my life (career, marriage, kids). But the real question is, is this ever going to happen for me, and if so, WHEN??? I'm always in a daze just thinking about it and it makes me feel incomplete.....

Bahamas Getaway

This past wknd I went on a cruise to the Bahamas with 3 of my closest friends. It was a surprise n last minute thing for me because that was my bday gift from them and I was soo very happy. We flew out to fort lauderdale and then took a cab to miami and boarded the ship. From then on it was nothing but fun in the sun. We got our tan, did games with other people on the ship, took lots n lots of pictures, dinners and shopped. It was a good experience and a much needed getaway for me from all that stress in my life. When I got a massage, the lady told me I have a lot of knots in my shoulders and I knew that was from stress. Now I'm back in NY and we are planning our next 2 trips and tryna get our money right for the trips and for other things.

Its MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Today I will be celebrating my 23rd birthday and I just want to thank God for allowing me to see another year. Even though this age is not that big of a deal, I will never forget it for 2 reasons. One important reason is that this is the 1st year in my whole life that I will have to celebrate my birthday without my father in my life, whether its in person or him just calling to wish me a happy birthday. The second reason is the tragedy that is going on in Haiti.

As many people know I am Haitian and I do have family there and many of them cannot be found at the moment. I'm praying that they are alright but the sadness comes from the fact that I received news 10min before my birthday that my little cousin died in the earthquake. I was very shocked because she is very young and didn't get the chance to live her life yet. But we all know God does things the way he feels is best so I will try not to question Him.

I will still go on celebrating my birthday today and this weekend because I do cherish my life and I'm grateful I'm still alive and healthy to do so. So once again HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

There's Someone Else/ Is This the End???

I apologize in advance for this long blog lol

Like any other night I'm on the phone with Stuy talking about my birthday, which is coming up, and the dress I'm ordering for the party. Then out of nowhere he says that things haven't been working out between us and he feels its because there are other people in both of our lives because he knows there is someone else in his life. Due to this other person being in his life, he hasn't been giving our relationship 100% of his time. Now at this point I am in shock because I totally wasn't expecting it, nor was I expecting him to tell me that he was talking to someone else.

So then he goes on to say that we need to put everything out there because there are some things that he has lied about and he's sure there are things that I need to let out as well. He then asks me if I have been with anyone else and I ask if he's referring to while we were an item or when we are broken up. He replies any time and I say yes I have been but it was while we wasn't together and the guy is someone from my past. I know he's hurt by my confession but in the end I really didn't cheat on him. It happened after he broke up with me. He then goes on to tell me about the "other girl".

She is a friend of his!. They met 4yrs ago when he first started school in Connecticut (she lives (lived) out there) and they have just been friends. 2yrs ago she moved to North Carolina but they remained friends. Then 2-3 months ago, they started speaking as more then friends and when she would come to NY to visit, he would chill with her. Every time there is a problem between me and him, he would just talk to her instead of dealing with the situation or just coming to me to voice his concerns. She will soon be moving back to Connecticut and he really cares for her and he LOVES her.

Now my mouth his wide open and I am in shock. I couldn't believe this. I mean I had a feeling he may have still been talking to someone else but I didn't think it would be to that extent. He claims he hasn't had sex with shorty, they just hang out or talk on the phone.

This may sound crazy but I honestly was mad and hurt that it wasn't just a girl he was fucking. The reason for this is because when you meet someone and the relationship is based on sex, you can let that go if you return to your shorty or whatever. But when you build an emotional connection with someone, you are in deep. You don't want to just drop the person and you feel safe with them. He goes on to ask if I am willing to work things out with him or if what he has confessed to me is too much and all this other nonsense.

MY FEELINGS ON THE SITUATION:

I don't think I can work things out with him. He has built an emotional connection with some next girl and he deeply cares for her and loves her. The whole time he was telling me about her and comparing me to her he kept saying this, but all he was saying about me was that he cared for me. Now I feel like that's some what I sign that he doesn't love me anymore (even though he really didn't come right out and say it). Now the main reason I don't think I can "work things out" is because this girl isn't going anywhere, she's always going to remain in his life. The reason for this is because technically THEY ARE FRIENDS!!! They were friends from jump so I know he's not about to cut a friend (he cherishes) out of his life for me just because I'm not comfortable with the situation. He has also admitted that she is always going to be in his life as well and that doesn't sit too well with me because how do I know that every time we are going through problems he isn't running to her or when he tells me he has to work on days he's usually off he's not chilling with her. Stuy says its all a matter of trust but if you've been lying to me all this time about this girl, how am I suppose to trust that you aren't going to lie to me now about the role she plays in your life. Then I thought about it and I realized he said he been talking to her for about 3 months now which means this so called "relationship" started in October. Now in October we was a couple. He broke up with me when I was in MIA for about 3 days for a stupid ass reason and we got back together when I came back to Brooklyn. He admitted that he had started talking to someone but she was no longer in his life because he "loved me so much". Then at the end of October/early November, he broke up with me because my male best friend came into town and I told him I was going to hang out with him and he wasn't trying to hear that. So now I question when did his relationship with this girl start? I just don't know if I can deal with all of that. I want to be in a happy relationship and I feel like there is always something keeping that from happening when it comes to Stuy. I think its time I really moved on, and leave him in my past.

I'm just furious he waited until a week before my birthday to tell me that. A week before a special day I wanted to spend with him. I kept having a gut feeling that I would be sad for my birthday and that it would be because of him, but I kept hoping I would be wrong. But I guess you should always trust that gut feeling. :-(

Does anyone feel I am overreacting? Should I just respect the fact that he told me and work things out with him or is it best I just cut my losses and find someone else? What are your thoughts on this situation??

Blessing or Curse Waiting to Come Out??

So I was recently introduced to an older man about 2 months ago @ this little bar/club place in brooklyn. We exchanged numbers and text each other every day. He's really cool but the fact that he's about 10yrs older than me prevents me from putting any feelings into this "friendship".

Now I know when you guys read the title you must think I'm referring to sexual terms but I'm talking about financial wise. This guy barely knew me and was already offering me things.

One day it was pouring rain and I went to work that day and we were talking and I was telling him I have to invest in some rain boots because my feet gets wet in some of my regular footwear. He says ook and asks if I seen any that I like and I tell him I like the burberry ones and he later says that he wants to buy them for me. I agree after a few conversations but I never got them so I just figured he was all talk. He then lets me know that he wants to get me something for christmas and so I devise a list and tell him to choose whatever he wants to give me. On that list I put a macbook, an ipod, a bag, a pair boots, and something else. He asks me out of everything what are 2 things that I want the most and I reply the macbook and ipod but its expensive. He asks me how much and I tell him 999 and he says ok thats not a prob. Now I'm thinking this man is all talk because he didn't get me the rainboots which were wayyyyy cheaper then the macbook.

Then one night he says he's gonna come give me the money and I go outside and he hands me 1300 in cash. We talk a bit and at the end of the night he tells me to go and get the laptop tomorrow. I left him still in shock that this man really gave me the money for it and so very grateful.

A week later I let him know that I will be getting my hair done and I will be putting in "personality pieces" and the good kind so that it can last for my bday and he gives me money to get it done. Now my birthday is coming up in a wk and he's offering to buy everything that I need including all 3 outfits and shoes.

Now all this is great and I'm so very thankful and I'm trying not to take advantage because I look at this as God helping me out because I did depend on my father my whole life and now that he's gone I'm having problems with so many things (I'll leave that for a later blog). Here's the problem: I think he likes.....or should I say LOVES..me a lil too much. Yes bloggers, this man told me he loves me and he barely knows me and the most he's ever gotten from me is a hug. This kind of scares me but he lets me know that although he wouldn't mind if this was a sexual relationship as well, he's fine with us being just friends. He feels I am a genuine person and it hurt him when I told him about my father and he hates to hear that I'm sad or stressed. Now all I'm wondering is whether this is a gift or a curse that will later show itself.

By the way...he has a gf that lives with him and their 10yr old daughter. But remember there is nothing sexual btwn us.

Happy New Year!!!!

First and foremost let me say happy new year to all my followers and readers. I hope everyone had a nice time bringing in 2010.

My night turned out pretty well. Went to work that day and then brought in the new year with one of my bffs Ash n my close friend britt n her fam. Made sure we aint well and then headed to another friend's house for some drinks. We then went to this place downtown brooklyn called Dumbo Loft.

Now I'm thinking this is going to look like some lounge, not taking into consideration that in the name it clearly says "loft" lol. We get inside and I'm disappointed. First of all the place was just one big gigantic room with nothing but empty space. Then to top it off, we got there around 2am and the place was pretty much empty so I automatically figured the night was gonna be a drag. But slowly people started coming and then it got pretty crowded. Then to make the night even better, a friend came and purchased about 9 bottles of champagne so we were feeling nice and the dj was doing his thing on the spinners.

Then for a brief moment, I got upset. I received a call from Stuy but because of the music I told him to just text me. He says to me he wants me to come over and I reply when and the idiot says ASAP. So I remind him that I am at a party and that cannot happen. He then tells me that I am fronting on my man and that I'm stupid and he's gonna go do him. I knew he was drunk because of the way he was texting but I didn't really care. I was about to respond with a harsh message but ash took my phone and just told him to enjoy his night and I'm going to enjoy my party.

I quickly forgot about the incident and went back to enjoying my time at the party. At the end of the night we were taking pictures and then decided it was time to go. There was a girl in the corner that was super drunk and hunched over in deep slumber and ash decided to mock her. Well you know they say God dont like ugly, so he decided to punish her. She slipped on the slippery fall and did like a triple axle on the floor and landed on the floor on her face. We all just turned our head like omg!!!! Then krys yelled out help her and just when I was about to, I seen these guys run over and help her up. It might've been the funniest thing in the world and if she wasn't so drunk, I know her ass would've been soooooo embarrassed. But then we realized that she cut her hand deeply and was bleeding.

Other than that lil funny mishap, we enjoyed ourselves and brought in the new year right. I love my girls and my fam and hope that this year will bring nothing but happiness in my life. 2009 was a good year for me due to my graduation from college but it ended badly with the death of my father. I look forward to the new memories I will be making this year and I hope everything works out in my favor.