Smiling with Sadness

This morning on my way to the train station, my best friend's mother told me that I always look so sad and its understandable but not to worry because everything will fall into place in my life. I just smiled and said thank you and went to catch my train.

On my train ride into work, I started to think about my life and of course I teared. I mean NEVER did I think my life would be the way it is right now. I won't complain too much because there are a lot of people out there who are going through much WORSE than me, but I still can't help but feel sad. I think about losing my father way before I expected, not being in school working on my masters, not having a real steady job in finance or accounting, not being able to live at home, etc etc. They say that God doesn't put you through things if he knows that you can't overcome them, but I wonder when will I be able to overcome these boulders in my road to success and happiness.

I try to keep a smile on my face, despite how I feel on the inside because I am tired of complaining. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me and I am especially tired of feeling sorry for myself. My best friend says its totally understandable for me to be sad because I have been through a lot and even though that may be true, I hate being sad. I was always the happy one growing up and even if I came across problems in my life, I would always find a solution on my own or with the help of my dad. Now that he's gone I sometimes feel all alone. My mom is still here but everytime I speak to her I hear and feel the sadness in her voice that she can't do more for us and herself.

I have very big dreams and goals that I would like to accomplish and I just hope that things will get better very soon for me so that when I am smiling, there is nothing but happiness behind it.

Its Never Easy

Its NEVER easy to say to goodbye to a loved one!!!!

No matter the circumstance, when a loved one is lost, its never easy. They could be really sick and on their death bed, but when you get the news they passed away, it still feels like someone is squeezing your heart. Of course we hate seeing our loved ones suffering but the thought of them dying is never easy. Despite the visits to the hospital and the diagnosis given by doctors, in our mind everything will go back to normal soon. All that is going on is a big nightmare and you're waiting to wake up.

But when you get that phone call, text message, or visit and the news is that the person is gone, its like a reality check. You ask yourself "Is this really happening?"

Losing a loved one is never easy but its something we all will have to go through. I went through it plenty of times but the worst was when it was my dad. Now one of my closest friends is going through it and I will be right by her side whenever she needs me. You go through a lot of emotions and the only way to get through it is with the help of friends and family.

R.I.P. to my girl's grandma!!!

Thanksgiving

Happy Belated Thanksgiving everyone!!! I hope everyone enjoyed the time spent with friends and family and lets not forget....THE FOOD!!!

I had a GREAT GREAT Thanksgiving. Well, it really started off Wednesday after work. I went out for drinks with my sister and best friend and then ended up at a friend's birthday party. I was getting drink after drink and loving it. Of course that caused me to make a phone call to have a happy ending lol.

Yesterday I laid in bed until the food was ready and went over to my brothers house and hung out with the fam. I originally was going to go visit my aunt but then I changed my mind and went out with friends. First stop was my home girl grandmother's house where we hung out and told jokes and planned our next vacay. Then this guy came who I was talking to and he just cut me off out of nowhere after meeting me once. He proceeded to ask my homegirl who I was because my hair is different (I have bangs now) and I know he felt really lame (yessss lol). Then I went to visit my other best friend and then ended the night at my other home girl house where we played gestures. It was a great night. Only bad thing is I'm at work now and I only had 3hrs of sleep. But hey I'm young right.

We are Not Family Anymore

I can't stand my father's sisters....they irk me sooooo much. As we all know my dad is in the hospital and the other day my mother went to visit him...even though he told her not to. I guess he told his sister and she decided to make my father a private patient, without telling us. By doing this, only 8 people can be put on the list to visit my dad. Here's the ridiculous part...this heffa had the nerve to put my name as well as my brother's name but leaves out my other2 sisters. UUUMMM EXCUZe me woman, are you serious right now??? So I go visit my dad n he asks for my sister but I didn't want to tell him what was going on. Then my brother n sister call me and say they're on their way. My bro gets there first then my sis calls and tells us to come downstairs cause they weren't letting her up.

So we go downstairs and the security guy tells us where to go to speak to the administration of the hospital. So of course my sis is beyond upset and we're trying to explain the situation to the people and they tell us that she would have to go speak to our father because only he can reverse this whole thing. So we head upstairs and my father's sis is still there and the lady says she has to leave, and my bro told her he was upset that her sis had the nerve to not put all my dad's kids on the list. So in the end we get my dad to reverse the whole thing and put himself back as a public patient.

Then my bro goes to the "aunt" n tells her she can come back in and she's like no she won't come in there as long as we are in there. UUM seriously??? WEll if thats the case, enjoy the hallway. Of course my dad is upset about this but I was like all this is your fault. You are the person with the most power and you choose not to use it. Now the family is broken and cannot be fixed because we don't like your sisters.

So now sh** is definitely bad but I knew this was going to happen. It is what it is and if they feel they can't be around us, then so be it. We never have to speak again for all I care. I HATE FAKE PEOPLE!!!!

I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE

I haven't really had the chance to blog lately because it's been such a crazy week, partying and what not lol. Read previous blogs about senior week.

Well this past monday, May 18, 2009 I graduated from Clark Atlanta University with a BA in Finance!!!!!!!!! I was hype as hell because I worked so hard for it and made it my duty to be able to achieve this accomplishment in 4yrs. This day was suppose to be the happiest day of my life, but it wasn't. My brother got me soooooooo mad.

So after graduation, of course there was traffic (on foot) because everyone was talking to friends and family and snapping pictures everywhere, me included. So then my brother calls me and tells me to meet them by the car and I say ok. Then my lil sis called and said to meet them in front of my apartment so I said ok and went in front of my apartment. So we was taking pics and my mom came with some balloons and it was all good. Then we went inside because I had to use the bathroom and we had to call the restaurant to make sure we didn't need to make reservations. Then my brother calls all mad asking where we are at so we say in the house. He's all mad because he's hungry and I'm like well I'm hungry too, I been up since 530am and haven't eaten anything yet. My man goes into complete b*tch mode and stopped picking up the phone. We kept calling and calling and he was just sending us to voicemail, so we decided to just call a cab. When the cab says he'll be here soon, my brother decides to call and say come to the car. So now we are walking and looking for the car but we can't find it. Now do remember I have on heels and so does my mother and this dumb motherf**ker has us walking all over campus looking for him.

We keep calling him and at first he was just ignoring the call, but then he turns off his phone completely. So we call the cab again (since I was ignoring the 1st one we called and he left). As soon as the cab pulls up and we start getting into it, my brother pulls up right behind. Then this n**ga comes to the cab door like if yall wana take a cab then go ahead, give me my son's bag and snatches the bag and storms over to his car and drives off.

Usually this wouldn't have gotten to me but I was mad. It was bad enough that a lot of the important people in my life couldn't make it (dad, ash, steph, rach. jess, laurie, etc), but then he was making the day about him. Now I am not a selfish person, but May 18 was MY DAY!!!!!! It was suppose to be about me and only me. I don't care if my brother was starving, he was suppose to take my feelings into consideration before throwing a b**ch fit.

While we were in the cab to the restaurant, I started crying. I can't say it was only because of my brother tho. I think my bro had a big part but I was also so very sad that people couldn't be there to share this day with me. To add insult to injury, he didn't show up to the restaurant. He went back to where he was staying and packed his bag and went to the airport. So you know what I say..."F**K HIM!!!!"

Then last night he had the nerve to text me asking for the $60 I owe him. Well guess what, he aint getting it because he still owess me $100. UGHH FAMILY!!!!!

Backing Out of Graduation

The other day I was looking through the millions of pictures I have on facebook and I stumbled on my sister's graduation pictures. I remembered how we all drove there as a family and stayed at her apartment and went to the graduation late and pretended we was there the whole time. GOOD TIMES LOL.

Now I think about my graduation that is coming up in two weeks on May 18 (woohoo lol) and I can't help but feel sad that I won't have the same experience. A lot of my family members who I want there aren't coming anymore.

My dad said he wasn't coming from jump because my mom is going to be there. ERR Like are you serious??? He says he doesn't want to be around her and he just rather not go. Now you would think the man that paid for me to go to college for 4yrs and use to drive my friends and I back and forth for the first 2yrs would want to be there to see his daughter get her degree. NOOO!!!! Instead he wants act stupid. Like why can't you just deal with it. No one is asking for you to talk to my mom or anything, just come and support. I remember seeing the pic with my sis in the middle and my mom and dad on each side and I can't help but feel jealous because I want a pic like that as well.

Next you have my sis (same one as above) who can no longer attend my graduation because the stupid judge decided to say the paternity test is that day. Now I don't blame her or anything but I'm real upset because I'm really close with her. I skipped my graduation for my associate's degree to go to her graduation because I knew she wanted me to be there and she was getting her bachelor's. Now she can't even attend my own grad.

Then you have my oldest sister who, in my opinion, doesn't really have a valid excuse. It was all planned that she was going to drive down with my brother and yesterday my brother calls and tells me she says she's not going anymore because she has to take some test June 6 and hasn't started studying. So instead of her coming to support her sister and watch her attain her degree, she'll be home "studying". I think its a load of sh**.

Then you have my brother who was suppose to ride in the car with my other bro n sis but since they're not driving anymore, he can't go.

It's like everyone is backing out of this last minute and I can't do nothing about it. I'm still going to try and enjoy my big day but I will always feel that void because of the lack of support. Congrats to me right smh.

Brooklyn Getaway

I'm back in ATL after a nice getaway back home to Brooklyn. I must say it was exactly what I needed because I was beyond stressed in school with all the homework and group projects and presentations, which aren't even over yet. I was a little stressed at home though because I had things to do for school, and I was only able to complete one which I completely bullshitted (excuze my language).

Let's get a recap of what happened at home. I partied like 3 days, went out to eat, shopped, chilled with the fam, and umm met someone lol.

First off the sis Ash took me out to Squadz (if your from bk I'm sure you heard of the place) and I seen some old faces. Music was definitely popping and drinks were good, so I had a pretty good night. That was thurs night. Friday spent the day with the lil sis, and yes people she seems to be doing well to me despite that whole suicide letter. We went shopping and she tried on some prom dresses but in the end she didn't get any of em cuz mom dukes didnt like lol. Friday night I ended up back in Squadz for the homie Jenell bday and that was a GREAT night. It was like a hs reunion because everyone was there. Music was great, drinks were coming from left and right. I must say the highlight of the night to me was when this man who was by our table the whole night approached me when we were leaving and whispered in my ear "If I was 6ft tall I'd definitely take you home tonight". lol Sat chilled with the sis n moms and spent the day at the salon. Then that night went to Benihana (I so love that place).

Sunday pretty much was another highlight of my break. Met up with this guy, lets call him Brownsville. He came thru and scooped me up, but we didnt really do anything since I had plans for the night. He was already kind of on my bad side because the night before he kind of played himself. But we drove around and then he dropped me off at the bestest crib. We was talking in the car for quite sometime and he kept kissing my hand, which was cool. The only thing that's kind of umm different about him is all the tats. I mean this guy has tattoos everywhere on his body; neck, arms, hand, chest...you name it he has it. I mean I find tats very sexy but with all that he has how in the hell would I ever let him come chill with me at the crib when mom or dad come thru. They would be like what the hell (yall know how caribbean esp. haitian parents are).

Anyway after I left him went and partied with the HS crew again and it was so much fun. Took pics and was acting a damn fool imitating songs and sh**. Good times. That night I also realized I actually do like my homeboy. I always found him attractive but he was just the homie. But that night, idk, I kind of felt something for him, but of course the bestest told me not to even think about it because he's a jerk, which I already knew. I doubt I act on it tho because I know how he is with females, and I also know that I wouldn't want to ever ruin the friendship because we usually can talk about anything. Doesn't it suck when you develop feelings for a friend but know you could never act on it ughhh.

Missing Out

I was suppose to go home this past weekend for my aunt's surprise birthday party. I had it all planned out that I would fly home on thursday, get the hair, nails, eyebrows n feet done, and be ready to have some fun with the fam (something that hasn't been done in a very long time). I already had a dress and shoes for the event. I WAS READY!!! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it.

My genius of a boss decided to do schedules 3 wks in advance and I had to work this wknd, so I had to kiss my plans goodbye. At first I was mad because I really wanted to go home but then I'm like whatever I'll see everyone next time. I figured it would be the same family members that I see all the time, just with some real good food and some nice haitian music (something I haven't experienced in a while). Then we had the house party so I was all good and didn't really care I didn't go.

So yesterday I call my dad, aunt and sister to find out how the party went. Boy did they all make me jealous. Turns out all my family from my dad's side came out for this shindig. People traveled to NY from Florida, Boston, Canada, and whereever else just to come and surprise my aunt. (And my a** couldn't come from ATL ugh). I herd it was a really nice event and all my cousins were there having fun and yet again I was missing.

This is the bad part about going far away to school. I always seem to miss out on the events that are going on back at home either because I have to work or I don't have the money to buy a plane ticket. I must've missed out on like 5 fiestas because I wasn't in town and each time everyone is asking my dad and sister, Where's Shay? That's only family functions, let's not even get into how many parties I've missed out with friends. I have to find out what people had on, who was acting a fool, was there any drama, and everyother thing a nosy person like myself would like to know. I mean I haven't seen a majority of my family in eons and here comes a big event where everyone comes out and I'm missing. So nerve racking.

This is one of the reasons why I want to move back home after graduation. I'm tired of missing out on family and friend events all because I'm far away. I just hate missing out and not being apart of the memories and the pictures and stuff.

On a brighter note, I WILL BE COMING BACK HOME IN 2 DAYS!!!! lol

Suicidal Sister??

I was never one to think suicide would be an issue to anyone in my family but in reality it is. When I was in hs my cousin committed suicide in his own home. His parents went out and he was home babysitting his little sister. He left her in the living room watching tv and went inside the bathroom and found a way to use a head scarf to hang himself. His little sister discovered the body.

When we asked what would cause him to do such a thing, his parents said he was unhappy. They said people use to always make fun of his head size and I guess he got fed up. (I don't know if that was his whole issue because I didn't know this cousin at all...my first time seeing him was at his own funeral sad to say). His parents kind of felt responsible because they didn't detect he would do this because as they look back, there were signs. The most obvious sign was that he was giving away his things to all his "friends" the week before committing suicide.

I was sad by this incident because technically, he is my cousin, but it didn't really affect me all too much because I didn't know him. But now I'm getting some really disturbing news

I'm on the phone with my mom today and she informs me that my little sister, whom I am very close to, wrote a 5pg suicidal letter. I'm not exactly sure what the whole letter is saying but my mom said she stated she just wasn't happy and she feels that my mom and aunts treat her badly. I don't know the rest that is stated in this letter but it really has me worried. Everytime I speak to my little sister, she seems fine and pretty happy, but I guess suicidal people usually do seem that way. I mean she's talking to me about her birthday which is coming and both of our graduation and her prom. Things she's very excited about.

I mean I guess I can speak to her about it, but it can only be over the phone since I'm so far away. I wouldn't want her to do anything to herself because that would really hit "home".

I just don't know what to do...