Thursday, March 26, 2009


Yesterday it dawned on me that I will be graduating from COLLEGE in about a month.!!!! Now of course I'm excited because I'm getting my degree, but I am also scared as hell.

Most may ask what am I so scared about: THE REAL WORLD!!! I mean I have been in school all of my life and I am about to be finished and I have to get a full time job and start paying bills and loans and such. I think what scares me the most is the fact that I don't really have any definite plans after graduation. I mean I want to get a job, get a place, get a car; basically all the norms that everyone wants. But its easier said then done.

I sometimes feel like a failure when I speak to my schoolmates and they tell me they got the job that WE interviewed for, while I didn't. I mean I don't have anything real lined up for when I graduate. I am still interviewing but I'm scared that I won't find something before leaving this institution.

Besides the whole job thing, my living arrangements has me feeling some type of way as well. I mean if I am moving back to NY, I can always go live with one of my sisters (cause living with my mother or father is not an option in my book lol), but in all honesty I DON'T WANT TO!!!! One of my sisters has a baby and she lives in a studio apartment. That's good and all for her and the baby, but where do I fit in. Sleeping on the same bed as her, living out of my suitcase, never having any privacy. I DO NOT...I repeat I DO NOT want to be living like that. Then there's the other sister who has a better living arrangement, but in the end there would still be no privacy and I may still have to live out of my suitcase. It's like no matter where I go in NY I will be living out of my suitcase feeling like a VISITOR and who really wants to feel like that. The only solution is to get my own place but we all know how expensive it is to live on your own in NY and I know for a fact I'm not ready for that yet (unless my parents are paying, then I'm all for it lol).

But if I were to move to another state for a job, then I would be getting my own apartment because I'd be on my own. The only thing with that is it would most likely be cheaper then a NY apartment. However I WANT TO COME BACK TO NY. I'm tired of being away from home and missing out on events and sh*t. Even if eventually I do have to leave, I'll be ready (hopefully). ughhh this is just too much.

But first thing first, I need to secure a job ASAP!!! That's my main concern. I'm actually willing to move to another state because I don't want to make the same mistake I made earlier this year by letting a job slip right out of my hands. Pray for me!!!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Suicidal Sister??

I was never one to think suicide would be an issue to anyone in my family but in reality it is. When I was in hs my cousin committed suicide in his own home. His parents went out and he was home babysitting his little sister. He left her in the living room watching tv and went inside the bathroom and found a way to use a head scarf to hang himself. His little sister discovered the body.

When we asked what would cause him to do such a thing, his parents said he was unhappy. They said people use to always make fun of his head size and I guess he got fed up. (I don't know if that was his whole issue because I didn't know this cousin at first time seeing him was at his own funeral sad to say). His parents kind of felt responsible because they didn't detect he would do this because as they look back, there were signs. The most obvious sign was that he was giving away his things to all his "friends" the week before committing suicide.

I was sad by this incident because technically, he is my cousin, but it didn't really affect me all too much because I didn't know him. But now I'm getting some really disturbing news

I'm on the phone with my mom today and she informs me that my little sister, whom I am very close to, wrote a 5pg suicidal letter. I'm not exactly sure what the whole letter is saying but my mom said she stated she just wasn't happy and she feels that my mom and aunts treat her badly. I don't know the rest that is stated in this letter but it really has me worried. Everytime I speak to my little sister, she seems fine and pretty happy, but I guess suicidal people usually do seem that way. I mean she's talking to me about her birthday which is coming and both of our graduation and her prom. Things she's very excited about.

I mean I guess I can speak to her about it, but it can only be over the phone since I'm so far away. I wouldn't want her to do anything to herself because that would really hit "home".

I just don't know what to do...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Death Dreams

Ok I know...2 posts in one day smh...but I had to get this off my chest and mind some way

So dreams have always been an issue for me ever since I was a little girl. I use to always dream about family members dying. I remember when I was about 7 or 8yrs old I had a dream that both of my parents were on a train and the train crashed and they both died. Needless to say I was terrified and ran to my parents room and told them about my dream. My mom said that it meant they would live long. Now idk if she said that to make me feel better or if it was the truth, but I believed her.

I stopped having these dreams for a while, and then it started happening again in hs. I had a dream about my brother dying and the funeral and all our family and friends coming to the funeral and how sad everyone was. I was beyond heart broken and people surrounded me the whole time because I was so distraught and couldn't keep myself together. Another time I had a dream about me and my brother (the same one) walking in the street and an altercation occurred between my brother and this guy and the guy shot my brother right in front of me. I held him and screamed for help as his blood engulfed my clothes and hands, but I didn't care. My brother died in my arms in that dream. TALK ABOUT SCARY!!! It just felt so real.

A few weeks ago I took a nap in between classes and had a dream a friend, my sister and I went out with my faher. My sister and our friend said they would meet us somewhere and my dad and I went to go and get the car. We ran into some teenagers and they pulled out a gun on us. They wanted our money and jewelry and we gave them all that we had hoping they would just take it and leave us alone. I don't know if they weren't satisfied or if they just go trigger happy but the one with the gun pulled the trigger and I jumped in front of my dad and took the bullet. I died in that dream....for my dad.

Today I took a nap and I was asleep for less than 20min and had another one of those "death dreams". I went into work and something just didn't feel right to me. All the fitting rooms were blocked except for one and there was a bodyguard in there. Next thing you know, someone shot the guard and everyone started running frantically. I knew better than to run around cause that's how you get yourself killed so I stayed low trying to find my way out of there. I was about to go down the escalator and I seen one of the shooters aiming at me so I came back around and next thing I knew, I was surrounded and bullets were coming my way. The shock woke me up. I guess I didn't want to see my death...again.

All these death dreams have me really scared because I'm wondering what does it all mean. I'm hoping what my mom said when I was little is true but I'm not exactly sure. My housemate says I should stop taking naps and I'm really considering that because lately that's the only time I have these types of dreams. She also said that me taking the bullet for my father is probably something I would do in real life and that's why I had the dream (and yes I would do it). Is there something wrong with me? Should I consider getting some help or counseling or something? So confused....

Getting Back Home

I remember people always telling me that if a man really likes you or cares for you, he will always make sure you get home safely after hanging out with him.

According to these people, if you are chilling by a man's house and you are getting ready to leave, he will either drive you home (if he has a car) or he will put u in a cab and PAY FOR IT!! If a man allows you to take public transportation from his house, then he obviously doesn't care for you that much...especially if its late.

Well I encountered this problem when chilling with Harlem. One time he came and picked me up from a cookout and we went back to his place to hang out. In my mind I'm thinking ok he's picking me up from here and we are in Harlem and I live in Brooklyn so of course he's bringing me home because it is late (he picked me up after 9pm). So 12am rolls around and I'm like ok its getting late and I have to work in the morning so I should get home. Now I'm thinking he's going to drive me home because I LIVE ALL THE WAY IN BROOKLYN and he wouldn't want me to get on the train at this time coming from his house. WRONG!!! He walks me to the train station and gives me a hug and kiss and tells me to call him when I get home. I just said ok and left. Now on the train I'M PISSED. I didn't understand why he didn't drive me home or put me in a cab for that matter. I was too embarassed to tell my friends, so I told my sister and she was just like wow.

I didn't say anything about the whole situation for a while but then one day we were having an argument and I brought it back up. He wanted me to come over and I asked well how would I be getting home because I refuse to take the train home and he's like well it depends on the time you leave cuz if it's late I'm not gonna feel like driving all the way to your side of town. HHHMMM. So I'm like then its up to you when I leave since your the one driving. So we go back and forth about this and I bring up that night I took the train home. I told him that someone once told me that if a guy really likes a girl he will make sure she gets home by either bringing her home or putting her in a cab. He's like he was too tired to drive me home and he thought about putting me in a cab but that would've been like $45. Now I'm real pissed and of course the argument escalates and blah blah blah.

So I'm wondering, how do a majority of males feel about this? Do you males agree with the statement that a man who likes a woman would always find a way to get her home? If a man doesn't is that a way of letting you know he doesn't really care about you?

What If I Went to School in NYC

Everyday I wonder to myself what if I had stayed in NYC for different would my life be? Would I have made different decisions regarding my major, my friends, my relationship status and so forth. Idk

I love the friends I have met between the 2 colleges I have gone to. I love my Dani Gurl, Nellz, Vee, Tia, Henz, Webby, JO, Jevin, Dee, Chris etc. They made my life in Coby so much better and enjoyable. Then I think of my friends in Clark...I love Shan, Phil, TT, Akela, etc because they helped this down south transition become successful. But what if I had decided to go to a CUNY school or a school in LI or anywhere close to home? Who would my friends be...other than the ones who were there b4 I started college?

My main issue is on my relationship status. Would I have a boyfriend? I can honestly say I have never been in a serious relationship for different reasons. In hs I was so focused on this one guy for all 4yrs that I wasnt able to go out there and meet new men and that is something I will regret forever because he was a total waste of time. Smh at me not realizing that much earlier.

But now I sit and think about these past 4yrs in college and I was never in a "serious" relationship. I just did the whole "I talk to him" thing and left it at that. Don't get it twisted, I wanted a relationship but different factors kept that from happening. The main one was the fact that I was away at school. Although Coby was still in NY, it was a 4hr drive from Brooklyn which made it long distance to me. I didn't want to talk to anyone seriously back home because I didn't want to do the long distance relationship where I couldn't see them whenever I wanted to and also have them questioning what I was doing on campus. I started talking to a guy that I met thru my best friend and I really liked him but I kept him at a distance. When he told me he wanted me to be his girl, I shut him down. One reason was because of the distance and the other was because I was also talking to someone on campus whom I had very deep feelings for. That didn't last either because he graduated and went even further away for school to actually have a relationship with me.

Now I'm in ATL and find myself with a similar scenario. I want a bf but I will not do the long distance thing, especially with me being so far. I mean to get home I have to fly and the same if he wanted to come see me. I know if you want something to work you have to be willing to do those things but I have so many concerns regarding that. Like what happens when he is in need of some sex and I am millions of miles away, is he going to go to someone else to get his needs taken care of? Will I be able to trust him? I just didn't want to have to go thru all these emotions and uncertainties so I just stayed to myself.

But I do talk to people and I just make it my duty to see them when I come back home to visit.

Lets introduce the main guy I'm talking to Harlem, whom I really like. I do actually want us to be more than just "talking" but he doesn't want this because he doesn't feel he has the time for a relationship. I do respect this because he is very focused on his school work as well as his full time job, but like I said b4 I really do like this guy. If I had stayed home, would we have been a couple? That's something I will never know but I really wish the answer would be yes. I've been talking to Harlem for quite sometime now and nothing major has really happened but he's done things that has caused me to question how he actually feels about me, which has also casted him out in the eyes of my sis Ash. I will get into detail later about our encounters and what's making me hold on to him.

I guess I will never be able to answer my what if questions but they will always be wandering in the back of my mind. Would I be in a happy committed relationship? Would I have met the goals I'm aiming for now at a quicker pace? So much thoughts with no answers. All I can think about is what I would've done differently if I had stayed home to make me "happy".

Monday, March 23, 2009

Knowing From the Start

I often find myself thinking about my sister and how her life turned out. Don't get me wrong, she's happy for the most part but I know deep inside she's very sad. Let me explain...

She was in a long relationship with a man that she fell in love with and even played "stepmother" to his son. Everything seemed to be well between them until that day came when she read the words "POSITIVE" on a stick. She called and told me and I was just as shocked and wanted to know what she was going to do. I mean she was 22 (23 now), just starting nursing school, and didn't have a real income to start a lifen with a child on her own.

We kept going through the dilemma on whether she should keep the child or not. Honestly, I didn't want her to keep it because I didn't want to see her struggle, but in the end it was her decision. Lets not get it twisted, I love my nephew with all myheart. One day she would say she's going to abort, then the next day she'd say she's keeping it. In the end, she kept the baby.

Now lets talk about this so called "baby father" of hers. When he found out, he automatically demanded that she get rid of the baby and if she didn't, then "THE RELATIONSHIP WAS OVER!!!!". Excuse my language but WHAT THE FU**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now i knew I didn't really like this man for a reason, but damn. So when she finally told him she was keeping it, she broke up with him. (Praise the Lord). But of course with this being his baby, he would always be around. I doesn't it. Well throughout the pregnancy, I must have encountered my sister crying a million times because this man was always making it his duty to make her life hell.

Let's speed up. He didn't come to the hospital for the birth nor did he sign the birth certificate. Talk about CREEP. So now he calls himself a dad because he visits maybe once or twice a month...three times if we're lucky UGHHHH. He didn't even want to spend more than $20 on a baby mattress SMFH.

Here's my issue: I knew this was exactly how it was going to be once he told her to get rid of it and he wanted no part with the baby. But my sis felt she could handle taking care of the baby on her own (with the help of our family of course). Yea this is working out and everything, but I feel bad for my nephew in the long run as well as my sister. She calls me crying at times about this whole situation and its not like I can just say "Told you this was going to happen". That would just be plain wrong! I sit there and listen and offer the advice or can or try my best to console her but it hurts me so much to know I can't fix this problem for her like I always use to do when we were growing up.

Then I think about baby Nasir and my heart aches for him. I know he's going to grow up hating his father for the way he treated his mother as well as how he acted towards him and will act towards him in the future. Not that I feel bad for the bastard but its really not a healthy relationship.

This just makes me wonder for the millionth time ( yea i know thats not a word), why do women feel they don't need a man to be there for them and their child. Even if you don't need them emotionally, what about financially or vice versa. I'm just not with the whole " I can do it myself" thing. I mean sure a lot of women do make it themselves but its usually not by choice. If you know from jump the man in your life doesn't want the baby, why keep it and know you are about to be in the struggle of your life. I guess to each its own but that's just my opinion especially with how I see this whole ordeal is affecting my sister and the baby.

Wrong Decision??

So everyday I think about future with this major I chose. I'm a finance major because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MATH!!!!! Most would call me a geek...but I'm use to it lol. Anyway I tend to find great difficulty in my finance courses and I tend to wonder if this major just isn't for me or if I'm just not giving it my all. I try and study, which isn't something I'm good at because I get bored very quickly and the material is very very boring. The only thing I really like about this major is doing the calculations.

So this is my senior year and I have to land a job before leaving this school. Well I don't HAVE to but it would be more beneficial to me if I did. I don't want to graduate and then be stuck working retail for the rest of my life.

I must have been on over a dozen interviews this year but I haven't gotten an offer yet. I'm even willing to do internships because I know the economy is bad and I don't have any experience in the finance field. My very 1st interview this year went real well and I was offered a second interview, but like an idiot I turned it down because I felt I wasn't ready. The man told me I had to come to his office and take a test, then if I passed the test I would be flown to Florida for a 3-day interview, which consisted of a luncheon with all the executives of the company as well as all the other candidates for the position. The 2nd day all the candidates would be interviewed, and the 3rd day we would have to take a test. Then the executives would meet to discuss each candidate and express whether they feel the individual was right for the job.

This long process was like a complete turnoff to me. I was just like why the hell do we have to go thru this long *ss process. I think I was more scared tho because I was just beginning to take finance courses and I didn't feel I was qualified and I would be wasting my time. Then the location of the position just completed my decision. I was told I wouldn't know where I would be working unil I was offered the job. I could be relocated to any of the 50 states. Like wat???? Can you honestly see me living in Utah, Kentucky, Missouri??? I think not!!!!

With all that being said, I turned down the opportunity and I regretted it ever since. What if that would've been my time to shine? What if it could've been the beginning to a great future and a wonderful experience? Now I'm back to square one just interviewing and hoping to get call backs..ughh

Do you think I made a bad decision? Should I have just seized the moment and went thru with this process?

Sunday, March 22, 2009


So I'm new to this whole blogging thing and I don't really know what to expect. I read others blogs and see its a great way to vent and just get things off your chest but I still wonder if I'll have much to say. I spoke to a friend today about it and I said what if my blogs are boring lol. Dani said well if its based on your thoughts and feelings, who's to say its boring, which is sooo true. So here I am. Bare with me because this will not be consistant, it will be based on experiences, thoughts, feelings, mood, the whole shibang. lol. It's crazy because I've always been the type to either keep everything bottled inside, or just vent to someone who is very close to me. But I'm going to make this change and see how it works out.

I will officially begin tomorow with whats on my mind...