Thursday, April 30, 2009


I had 3 finals today back to back to back..ok there was an hour break between each lol. But can you say "Overwhelmed"!!!!

Ok so the first final was at 10am and it was in Security Analysis and Portfolio Management. Now this class isn't as bad as it sounds, I actually enjoy it and I'm doing pretty good (could be doing better if my bad memory syndrome didn't kick when it wants to). So I studied all night for this final and I woke up extra early this morning for this final because I want an A not a B in the class. So show time comes and she gives us the test (mind you it's only 3 of us taking it because we're the only seniors in the class) and the first page has me dumbfounded already. I go through the test and it isn't that bad. Now I get to this question and I felt that was going to be an easy 10pts right there because we just covered the material and I remember all the formulas...NOT!!! I get stumped on the first formula and without answering the first part of the question, I can't finish the other 2 parts. I'm heated at this moment. After the test, I check my notes and I felt so stupid because what I was missing in the formula was so basic and I was so mad I couldn't remember it. Don't you hate when that happens???

Second final was in International Finance. I'm already not doing too well in this class (I think only 2 people in the class are doing good...shame right) and I'm counting on this final to help me get a B at least. (Understand I hate C's people). This man hands us the test and I'm like WHAT THE F***!!!!!!!!! The test was hard as hell (pray for me). So I finish the test and as I'm walking out the door he says "See you in May". I'm like I hope that's not sarcasm!!!

Last final today was in Spanish and it wasn't too bad. Tomorrow morning I have a final in Insurance. I really don't want to take the final but I have a B avg in the class and I'm shooting for an A. All I need to do is get a 83 on the final...that shouldn't be too hard.

Now my real estate teacher decides to give us a group project as a final where we have to analyze the cost and taxes in investing in a certain property and we have to email it to him by 5pm tomorrow evening. UGHH

Well wish me luck!!!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I Need More Results

I've been doing this diet thing for quite some time now, and I have something to show for it (I lost 10lbs) but I'm still not satisfied. I actually don't really see the results (ok I'm lying sometimes I do lol).

But my main concern is my abs. I don't have the biggest stomach in the world but I would rather a flat one so that I can wear 2-piece bathing suits in the summer time and be able to sit without seeing a role lol. But most importantly, I don't want to have to suck in my stomach (which everyone does, for the most part).

Well I've been going to the gym for the past 2 months and I changed my eating habits to make sure I can see results but I feel like there's something missing. I have to admit I do cheat sometimes, but I try and stay focused. I was going to do the whole personal trainer thing but LA Fitness is just so expensive. So I work out all alone and try and do what I think will help as well as take some workout classes. I asked one of the trainers today for some suggestions to work on my abs and he gave me some pretty good workouts so I'm hoping I can see some results soon. I also have a free workout session with him Friday (bring on the pain lol).

I'm looking to lose about 25 more pounds and maybe then I'll be satisfied. Now if only I could make myself get a bigger butt lmao....

College is Over

So tomorrow (or should I say today since its 1am) is the last day of classes. Now I'm beyond excited because this has been one of the most stressful years in life. I've never had so much work to do while keeping a part time job on the side and still be able to have time for friends, family, and boys. Although I'm happy that school is pretty much over, I can't help to feel a tad bit sad. I mean this marks the end of my college life (not including finals, senior week, and graduation). This will be the last time I will be known as an undergrad; my last time taking classes for a while (not including testing to be a licensed agent lol).

I'm excited and ready to go, but I now have to worry about finals on thursday and friday. The only one I'm really worried about is International Finance because that class is no joke. I'm trying to keep my head in the books, but I have a mild case of ADD lmao. Three finals on thursday and two on friday. WISH ME LUCK PEOPLE!!!! SHAY NEEDS THAT DEGREE

Monday, April 27, 2009

Men Are Just As Sensitive

Last night I stayed on the phone with Stuy til 5am. Majority of the time we weren't even talking. My eyes were closed (I was sooo tired) and we were just holding on to the phone. He was listening to music and we would say or ask something every few minutes. Its sad though because I knew I was tired but I didn't want to get off the phone. I was comfortable with just having him on the other end.

Well we ended up getting on the topic of when I come home (next wk baby lol) and us seeing each other. He still doesn't agree with the fact that I want to meet in public grounds, away from his house. So we are talking and he makes a comment about sex and I say sometimes you make it seem like thats all you want from me. BIG MISTAKE!!! He got so upset and was like how could you say that to me. He was soo mad and was basically acting like an ass for the rest of the time we were on the phone. He said we really don't need to be dealing with eachother if I think he only wants me for sex. He doesn't lack it that much for him to feen to get it from me.

My whole thing is he took my comment the wrong way because I didn't say he only wants me for sex. I was just pointing out that sometimes the comments he makes have made me feel as though that's all he wants, but I know it isn't. It was just a way for me to let him know he needs to watch what he says to me sometimes because of how it makes me feel. So at the end of the convo I ask if he misses me (which we always ask eachother) and he says no. I'm like wow are you serious and he's like yea and I'm like you know what let's just get off the phone and he's like ok so I hang up.

Now I'm mulling all this over and I'm like I just don't understand why he got upset because to me he's misinterpreting what I was saying. So the roomie says because he actually cares for me and it hurt him for me to say all he wants me for is sex. Men are just as sensitive as females and when they really care about a female and the female says something hurtful, they really take it to heart. So I apologized!!

But I wanna know do you guys agree, are men just as sensitive as women when it comes to someone they really care for?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

You Always Need Your Own

So I live in an apartment with 3 other girls and its all good..sometimes. One of the roommates we don't even talk to so she doesn't even really count but the other 2 girls are my friends.

When I moved into this place, they was already living here from the previous year so the place already had appliances including living room tv, dishes, cups, decorations and whatever. So therefore, I didn't need to purchase anything. The only thing I did think about actually getting was my own tv for my room because I hate when I want to watch something but I can't because everyone else doesn't want to watch it and just basically competing for the tv.

Lets look at these past 2 days. Yesterday I was in the living room watching tv (Gossip Girl) when they both came home with their homeboy. At first one of them was cool with what I was watching and was basically asking me questions about it and sh**. Then the other comes in like omg do we have to watch this and I just ignored her and continued watching the tv. Gossip Girl finishes and One Tree Hill comes on. So I start watching it and they say omg do we have to watch this, we just sat here and watched your other show can we watch something else. Now I'm annoyed because the rule has always been if someone is watching tv you just sit thru and watch it because the person was there first. Then all of a sudden they want to watch the game as if we ever watch basketball. I was annoyed and said this wouldn't be happening if I had just gotten my own tv like I had planned to or if I would've brought the tv daddy got me but noooo smh.

Tonight they leave and go whereever and I'm home watching tv in the peace and quiet and I am definitely enjoying it. So College Hill comes on and thats the show I was waiting to watch and here they come talking ridiculously loud and shit and having this dumb ass discussion. Now I'm all for healthy discussions and stuff but it's just so rude when you know someone is watching television or something and here you come talking real loud making it impossible to hear. Had it been one of them, they would've been quick to be like they watching tv but they don't seem to respect that I am. ughh I so cant wait to graduate and head back up north and away from them.

Monday, April 20, 2009

So Called Managers

Yesterday work was pretty annoying. I was especially annoyed at the managers working that day because they just dont do shit. I mean working retail your job is to run clothes from the fitting room back to their designated places on the sales floor while giviing customer service and yada yada yada.

So we have this new manager. He's kind of in training because we are opening up a store in Orlando and he is going to be there. This man has been with the company for 8yrs and use to be a manager at one of the NJ stores and then ended up leaving to work in recruiting for the company. I guess now he's training to remember how to manage a store or whatever. We will refer to him as "Lazy" lol.

So Saturday was the first time I met and worked with this man and right off the back I knew I didnt like it and he just wasnt management material. I had a rack on the floor and I was running my clothes and I was just about done when he comes out with more clothes for ME TO RUN. Excuze me ur hands dont look broke sir. Mind you I was scheduled to take my 15 at that time. But I dont say anything and just run the clothes. Now I go back to the fitting room and once again he picks up clothes and hands it to me saying here run these. WTF!!! So I just look at him and ignore him and continue talking to my coworkers. So my homeboy is like Shay he's talking to you, I'm like I know. So I take the clothes from him finally and he goes and runs 2 FU**EN CLOTHING. So I'm in the fitting room venting to my coworkers like wat da hell is wrong with this man. So he comes back and I'm like fixing up these dresses to take with me to run. He comes to me like are you going to run those, yea I am as soon as I get those 2 dresses. Then he gonna say well you could've ran those garments in your hand and came back for the other stuff. So my smart ass say Well I like to run a handful of clothes at a time (because his ass doesnt seem to do that). Then I get the dresses and leave. This muthfucka gonna come to me on the floor like Shay is there a problem and I'm like nope and he says "You know I'm a manager right?" Yes I do. 'Crickets' 'Crickets'. I'm waiting for his point and he has none. I wanted to say do you know your a manager cuz you sure as hell dont seem like it but I dont want no problems lol.

Now yesterday I have the pleasure of working with him again lol. So I'm scheduled to be in the fitting room and we are beyond backed up with clothes everywhere and we need runners. This dumbass is not doing shit and I'm catching a serious 'tude with his ass. I'm rude as hell so I was trying to control myself with him and the tatted up manager. So at the end of the night we are having our store meeting and one of my coworkers says well what do you do when people arent doing their job and tatted manager says you voice your concerns to them and/or a manager. So homegirl says well what if it's a manager lmfao. This b**** shuts her mouth quick so I put in my 2 cents. So of course they decide Shay is rude and we need to sit down and have a talk with her.

So I get pulled into the managers office and they both say how they feel negative vibes coming from me and whats the prob. I say well I feel lik some managers aint doing they job and I'm referring to lazy over here and I basically run down everything. They try to give me some bullshit and Im like yall are hypocrites and yall need to do yall job. Til then dont come at me with anything because in the end I am doing my job. Boy were they upset. But o well

Dont you just hate when managers feel because they have that title they have something over you? Doesn't work for me people...not at this job anyway. I have about 3 more wks with them anyway so they can kick rocks. I DARE 4 THEM TO COME AT ME AGAIN LOL

What Should I Do??

Stuy and I have been talking on a regular basis now and I have to admit I like it. I am remembering why I did like him so much; we always had good convo and he always seemed like he genuinely cared about me and what I had to say and what was going on in my life.

So last night we stayed up talking til 430am (mind you I had to wake up at 645am for my 8oclock class) but that didnt stop me. I told him how I really felt then and now...Im only going to elaborate on the important parts of the conversation:

Stuy: wen u ready to change 4 me, leme kno
Stuy: until then idk wat to tell u Shay
Me: y do i need to change 4 u. thats y we didnt work...u wasnt satisfid wit me. u wanted me to change. 2 b the person u wanted, 2 do all u asked n wanted
Stuy: thats not the case. i dont want u 2 change but damn, atleast muthafuckn compromise. u so stuck in ya fuckn ways u dont realize ur impossible to deal wit and THATS y we didnt work
Me: not every situation can b compromised. u just want so much its ridiculous
Stuy: if i want too much wats the point in even talkin to me??
Me: u really want me 2 answer that
Stuy: yes i do
Me: becuz i still have feelings 4 u. u did shit 2 me that hurt n there were plenty of times i wanted 2 call it quits but i couldnt. n the way we ended was the only way 2 try n let u go. but wen u hit me up my feelings came bak. i rememba all ur ways yet the attraction n shit is still there
Stuy: damn, i aint know that

Then he wanted to know wat did he do to hurt me and I gave him like 3 examples and situations we was in that affected my feelings towards him.

Stuy: im not saying i was the perfect partner while we was together, but i neva knew the shit i did bothered u like that. u really kept ya feelings to yaself alot. im sorry 4 da shit i did, i neva meant to hurt u. i cared about u tho. although i did some shit @ times, i treated u good. and thought that would b enuff to keep u happy

We ended up talking on the phone after that for the next 2 hrs about us. He then asked if I am willing to drop the other guys in my life to fuck with him again??? Ummm idk is what I said.

We started talking and shit and it felt like normal times again...the good times when shit was sweet between us and it felt real good because I still do have feelings for him but idk if I'm willing to drop the others to give us a go again because I dont know if he's worth it. I mean would I be like those dumb girls who deserve to be treated badly because they go back to the men who hurt them?? Is it really a wise decision to invest my time in him again?? Im actually leaning towards a yes because it just feels so right but in the end I dont know. I need advice...even though in the end it is my decision. THIS IS JUST SO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, April 18, 2009


After about dozens of meetings for our group presentation, we finally presented on Thursday. The presentation was based on the group trying to start a business and we had to ask investors for money to start up the business.

Our group chose to begin a catering company. We talked about this project so many times just so that we could ensure a successful presentation. I was the CEO of the company and the leader of the group. I assigned everyone a role and told them what they had to do.

I should probably mention that I hate group projects because people don't like to do their part of the project. Let's start off with one of the girls not showing up to any of the meetings and no one really knew who she was. She missed the first 4-5 meetings smh.

Anyway week after week we would meet up to discuss this project and every week I told everyone to have their part so that we can go over it and edit it where ever needed. I actually saw that this project was going to be a success because we was taking the time out to think about everything and thinking of the questions the investors might ask so that we could be well prepared. So you would think we had a good presentation and everything went as planned right....WRONG!!!!!!!!

First of all, everyone didn't have their part until the day before the presentation. So we meet that afternoon to put the paper together, which wasn't suppose to be a hard task because all I had to do was take everyone's part and just put it in. Well people still hadn't finished their part nor had we done the slides for the presentation. Then people had to go to class so we didn't finish everything that afternoon, so we decided to meet that evening after classes to ensure that everything gets done.

We meet up that evening and people's parts still aren't done so therefore the paper isn't complete. Like what the FU**...yall had all this time and this still aint done. So then I'm like let me just start working on the powerpoint. I begin but then people don't know what part they want to put on the slide to talk about to the investors. Now its like 11pm and the library closes at 12am. Everyone's laughing and joking but I just want to get this thing done because the presentation is at 1215pm the next day.

So we don't end up finishing the slides but one of the group members says he'll go home and work on the slides. So I say ok just send me the end result in the morning so I can make sure everything is good. This man sends me the paper and the powerpoint an hour before class. So I put on my suit and head to the library. I open up the paper first and I'm in shock. The professor says write a 5-7pg business plan and we have a 13pg business plan. These people had so much unnecessary information in the paper and I had to do tho gete editing. I was only able to get it down to 10pgs smh.

Next, I open the powerpoint up and again I am not happy. My part was of course in order but then I start looking over the slides for my group members. The marketing plan was in paragraphs on the slide and it was about 3-4 slides. I'm like what the fuckkkk (excuzee my language). I call my group members and tell them to meet me in the library asap (mind you it's like 1130 now and class is at 1215. I start deleting unnecessary information yet again to try and shorten up the slides. When I get to the competetive analysis I'm upset again because it's not how I wanted it to be at all. What ticked me off the most was when I got to the final slide, the financial plan. This man had up Year 1-4 revenues for the company AND THAT WAS IT. I'm beyond heated and I'm like I know this isn't what you're planning on showing the class and the investors. Where are all the other numbers, the expenses, the rate of return, the expected projections. Where are all the things that belong on a balance sheet.

Needless to say time ran out and we had to go to class. By this time I dont want to present at all because I felt like the presentation was going to be a joke. AND IT WAS. My group members didnt seem to have a good grasp on their own information and when it came time for questions and answers they couldn't answer any of the questions. I had to answer everything!!! The main comment that pissed me off was when they said something about the financial plan and the fact that we didnt have no numbers up.

I dont know our grade on this project yet but I dont think its good. I mean we watched 6 groups present from previous weeks and knew what the investors were looking for and still didnt come close to satisfying it. I felt like we should've done better because we met and discussed these things too many times for us to fail the way we did. This is one of the main reasons why I HATE GROUP PROJECTS!!!!

I'm really trying to get use to it because I know this is how its going to be in the real world when I begin my career. I know to always do things myself if I want them done right because in the end I'm being judged. I learned a valuable lesson but I hope my grade doesn't suffer too much.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Ex pt 2

I don't know how to feel about Stuy trying to come back into my life after us not speaking for a year. I mean are you for real right now. You just so happened to be thinking about me at 5am one morning after not thinking or speaking to me for so long. WTF!!!!

Like an idiot, I have been speaking to him since that day though. I don't know what the reason is, but I find myself drawn to him like I was in the past. We've spoken about a lot including our relationship, why we broke up, and what's going on in our lives now. He says I should've done more to keep us together. If I had cared about the relationship I would've kept calling until I was forgiven for allowing the guy to kiss on my neck. We talked and talked and I guess we pretty much got over it.

Now lets speed up a bit. This man has the nerve to say that I still belong to him. WHAT!!! Ok let me back track and walk yall through this part of the conversation.

Stuy: soo u coming 2 check me nxt time u in da city?
Me: umm idk. I mean we can probably link somewhere n catch up
Stuy: hmm. Idk how 2 feel about that
Me: wat u mean? whats the prob
Stuy: im not saying theres a prob. just feel like ur actin brand new
Me: how?
Me: we've been talkin normal this whole time
Stuy: yea but wen i asked u 2 check me u gave me a funny style response
Me: im not bein funny wit it. i was kind of caught off guard n im like i dont think it b rite 2 come 2 ur crib...cuz thats how i took "come check u"
Stuy: why dont u think it b right to come to my crib?
Me: idk. i figure itll b easier 2 talk in a public area face to face. y r u against us meeting somewhere to talk?
Stuy: im not against us meeting n a public place. it jus thru me 4 a loop cuz u neva had a prob coming to the crib b4.
Stuy: That's something that was never an issue

Let's fast forward this convo

Stuy: u got a bf??
Me: no
Me: just talkin
Stuy: wat happened to him?
Stuy: hmm, how serious r yall??
Me: what happened to who
Stuy: whoeva u talkin 2
Me: he around
Stuy: how long yall been talkin??
Me: one since the summer...the other 2 not too long
Stuy: woooowww
Stuy: how many of em r u fuckn & suckn???
Me: I've had sex once wit da guy from the summer...thats bout it
Stuy: hmm yea ok
Me: im dead ass. that was like last month n b4 that I hadnt had sex in 9 months
Stuy: im dissapointed in ur answer
Me: y
Stuy: im da only dick that should b in u
Me: so i was suppose to practice abstinence wen we broke up?
Stuy: yup pretty much. If u aint fuckn or suckn me, ya legs n lips should remin closed
Stuy: u belong to "Stuy"
Me: nahh im not property
Stuy: naw u mine. all mine
Stuy: idc how long its been since weve spoken, youll always b mine

First off yes people he's that rude with that whole fuckn n suckn nonsense. but can u believe this guy. Like did he really think I was going to sit around waiting on him?? I think the worst part is the fact that I like when he says things like that. I like the fact that he still cares and/or likes me.

I know I'm crazy but since that day we speak pretty much everyday. I dont know if I want us to be an item again, but I doubt it. But once again I'm drawn to the attention he gives. Now the question is will I go see him when I go home in a couple weeks???

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Ex

Strangest thing happened this morning, my ex boyfriend hits me 5 in the morning!!! EERRR

Let me not be rude and tell yall about this guy "Stuy". We met about 3yrs ago during my sophomore year in college. He was cool peoples and he use to take me out all the time or we would just chill by his place. We even found a spot with a beautiful sight and it became "our spot". But everything wasn't so dandy with him. We argued way too much! It was ridiculous actually. Everyday we spoke, and everyday we argued, sometimes over serious issues and other times over dumb shit. He was an extremely jealous person and got mad at everything I did. He didn't like me partying, hanging out with male friends, etc.

Despite all of this, we was off-and-on for about 2yrs. I can't reall say it's because I was really attracted to him because he's not my type at all. After our first date, I really hadn't planned on meeting up with him again, but we did. I think as our relationship developed, I became more attracted to the attention he showed me and the sex.

Well one night I went to a house party and my friends and I ended up playing truth or dare and I allowed my homeboy to kiss/suck on my neck. There was a lot more dares but I declined because I had a boyfriend. Well I was always honest with Stuy(sometimes brutally honest just to start an argument smh) and I told him about the party and truth or dare game. Of course he was upset, but at this point in our relationship I was pretty much fed up with him because of all of our problems. In a way I wanted to break up with him but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, so I found ways to upset him (I know that was wrong of me). We might have broken up dozens of time but we always wound up right back together. I should also point out that none of my friends liked him at all because of all the things he's done to me like stand me up on dates, cheat, etc.

Anyway he wasn't really happy with the events of that night and didn't really want to talk to me so we got off the phone. Now earlier that day he had asked me to call him in the morning to wake him up so I was still planning on doing so. Well the next morning I did just that and called him. He picked up and had a big ass attitude and didn't even thank me or anything, he was just plain rude. That was the last time I spoke to him. That was last year.

Since then I deleted him off my aim and out of my phone book because I knew we would never speak again, not that way anyway. I did say happy birthday to him via facebook tho. So understand I was shocked as hell this morning when my phone vibrates and I check and see its him. Of course I didn't respond at that moment, I just rolled around and went right back to sleep. But I did respond when I woke up at 645am and I asked "Are you sure you're im'n the right person?" I mean what am I suppose to think? We haven't spoken in about a year and you hit me up saying "What's up babygirl" like we are cool and shit and nothing ever happened. Let's see what happens....

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Brooklyn Getaway

I'm back in ATL after a nice getaway back home to Brooklyn. I must say it was exactly what I needed because I was beyond stressed in school with all the homework and group projects and presentations, which aren't even over yet. I was a little stressed at home though because I had things to do for school, and I was only able to complete one which I completely bullshitted (excuze my language).

Let's get a recap of what happened at home. I partied like 3 days, went out to eat, shopped, chilled with the fam, and umm met someone lol.

First off the sis Ash took me out to Squadz (if your from bk I'm sure you heard of the place) and I seen some old faces. Music was definitely popping and drinks were good, so I had a pretty good night. That was thurs night. Friday spent the day with the lil sis, and yes people she seems to be doing well to me despite that whole suicide letter. We went shopping and she tried on some prom dresses but in the end she didn't get any of em cuz mom dukes didnt like lol. Friday night I ended up back in Squadz for the homie Jenell bday and that was a GREAT night. It was like a hs reunion because everyone was there. Music was great, drinks were coming from left and right. I must say the highlight of the night to me was when this man who was by our table the whole night approached me when we were leaving and whispered in my ear "If I was 6ft tall I'd definitely take you home tonight". lol Sat chilled with the sis n moms and spent the day at the salon. Then that night went to Benihana (I so love that place).

Sunday pretty much was another highlight of my break. Met up with this guy, lets call him Brownsville. He came thru and scooped me up, but we didnt really do anything since I had plans for the night. He was already kind of on my bad side because the night before he kind of played himself. But we drove around and then he dropped me off at the bestest crib. We was talking in the car for quite sometime and he kept kissing my hand, which was cool. The only thing that's kind of umm different about him is all the tats. I mean this guy has tattoos everywhere on his body; neck, arms, hand, name it he has it. I mean I find tats very sexy but with all that he has how in the hell would I ever let him come chill with me at the crib when mom or dad come thru. They would be like what the hell (yall know how caribbean esp. haitian parents are).

Anyway after I left him went and partied with the HS crew again and it was so much fun. Took pics and was acting a damn fool imitating songs and sh**. Good times. That night I also realized I actually do like my homeboy. I always found him attractive but he was just the homie. But that night, idk, I kind of felt something for him, but of course the bestest told me not to even think about it because he's a jerk, which I already knew. I doubt I act on it tho because I know how he is with females, and I also know that I wouldn't want to ever ruin the friendship because we usually can talk about anything. Doesn't it suck when you develop feelings for a friend but know you could never act on it ughhh.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

NY For the Weekend

As previously mentioned I am back home in the NYC for the wknd. Im excited because its somewhat relaxation time. Lets not include the two group projects I'm sort of working on from home ughh.

I went on an interview today. It was actually the 2nd interview with the company and it went pretty well. I have a final interview with them in May after graduation. I think I'm going to get the job, but let's not jinx it. I'm still job hunting and interviewing just to have options.

Well my weekend is going to consist of hanging with some of my girls, party here and there, visiting people I haven't seen in a while and dinner with the fam. O and how could I forget about church on sunday; my mother would so kill me if I didn't go. I have a couple of dates lined up as well, hopefully they don't annoy me and I cancel or something.

I will try and keep yall updated on my weekend but I'm not promising anything. Hanging with some of my sisters now and who knows what I'm doing tonight.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Missing Out

I was suppose to go home this past weekend for my aunt's surprise birthday party. I had it all planned out that I would fly home on thursday, get the hair, nails, eyebrows n feet done, and be ready to have some fun with the fam (something that hasn't been done in a very long time). I already had a dress and shoes for the event. I WAS READY!!! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it.

My genius of a boss decided to do schedules 3 wks in advance and I had to work this wknd, so I had to kiss my plans goodbye. At first I was mad because I really wanted to go home but then I'm like whatever I'll see everyone next time. I figured it would be the same family members that I see all the time, just with some real good food and some nice haitian music (something I haven't experienced in a while). Then we had the house party so I was all good and didn't really care I didn't go.

So yesterday I call my dad, aunt and sister to find out how the party went. Boy did they all make me jealous. Turns out all my family from my dad's side came out for this shindig. People traveled to NY from Florida, Boston, Canada, and whereever else just to come and surprise my aunt. (And my a** couldn't come from ATL ugh). I herd it was a really nice event and all my cousins were there having fun and yet again I was missing.

This is the bad part about going far away to school. I always seem to miss out on the events that are going on back at home either because I have to work or I don't have the money to buy a plane ticket. I must've missed out on like 5 fiestas because I wasn't in town and each time everyone is asking my dad and sister, Where's Shay? That's only family functions, let's not even get into how many parties I've missed out with friends. I have to find out what people had on, who was acting a fool, was there any drama, and everyother thing a nosy person like myself would like to know. I mean I haven't seen a majority of my family in eons and here comes a big event where everyone comes out and I'm missing. So nerve racking.

This is one of the reasons why I want to move back home after graduation. I'm tired of missing out on family and friend events all because I'm far away. I just hate missing out and not being apart of the memories and the pictures and stuff.

On a brighter note, I WILL BE COMING BACK HOME IN 2 DAYS!!!! lol

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Self-Conscious Drunk

Any one that knows me knows that I am usually a shy individual who doesn't really speak much. Then once I get use to the people, I open up more and tend to act more like myself (sometimes). I am this way because I don't like to be judged, especially when I'm the one judging myself the most.

I don't really like to party because I don't want to dance half the time, unless there are some drinks in my system. When I was in HS I played the corner all the time, and don't let me find a seat lol. This is a bad thing, but its the truth. Usually when I go to a party and I don't drink, I don't have as much fun. Don't get me confused for an alcoholic though; I don't drink to get drunk. A majority of the time, the liquor doesn't have an effect on me but I act as though it does. I can count on one hand the amount of times I actually got drunk.

Last night, my housemates and I threw a house party and had a bowl of alcohol and punch. We had a mike for people to sing on and music was blasting and everyone was just having a good time. My housemates started to feel the effects within their first cup, but of course I didn't. I actually may have gotten a lil tipsy by like the 3rd or 4Th cup, but it wasn't nothing to me at all. But in all honesty I used the fact that I was drinking to my advantage and started acting carefree dancing with everyone and singing on the mike, things I would never do if I wasn't "intoxicated".

Today we are discussing last night's events and they were all like Shay you were drunk and of course I said no I wasn't. We go back and forth because they don't believe me just because of my actions from last night. I try to explain to them, yet again, that I have a high tolerance level but they swear they know me. They bring up the time we went to the club and I had 2 drinks and I was acting carefree. So then I end up telling them I use alcohol as an excuse as to why I act this way, but in actuality I know what I'm doing. I just don't care. So Shan says how bout you just loosen up.

To me that's easier said then done because as I mentioned before I care about how people judge me. I sometimes feel stupid doing things, but with drinks in my system I can blame it on the a-a-alcohol lol. I judge myself severely and therefore I think others do as well. The main reason is because I'm so tall and not the skinniest person in the world so I feel I need to pick my actions carefully. Unlike most people, I don't like to be the center of attention; I become extremely nervous.

I always wonder if I will change, but I really don't know. Most of my friends I'm use to being around all the time so I act carefree. But with my new roommates I'm meeting new people all the time so I go into shy mode. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing but I will try and see if I can work on it. But I wonder if others do the same thing as me and use alcohol as an excuse to really be themselves and strip away all the shyness.