Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ashamed and Embarrassed

As I mentioned before, my trip to LA was pretty good. I had a good time with my friends but the trip also brought out some deep emotions that I never really acknowledged before.

Now I have never really dwelled on the fact that I don't walk around with designer bags, shoes or accessories because in the end I can't afford that type of stuff right now. There has been times where I'm with friends and they have on their expensive purses and glasses and I'm rocking regular stuff and I feel a lil "unfortunate", but the feeling would fade as soon as it comes. Well on this particular trip, this wasn't the case. We practically went to the mall everyday that we was in LA and my friends made it their duty to buy plenty of things each and every time. In my case, I didn't buy anything because I knew I didn't have much money due to me just coming from Mexico 2 days before going to LA. So I just gave my opinion on things that they were purchasing and just stayed to myself really.

Well 2 days ago we were at the mall and they are shopping yet again and just picking up things and just charging it and it hit me that I probably wouldn't be able to do that for years. Then I just thought of how things were a lil easier with my daddy around and the water works started. I had my dark shades on that day so I just made sure to keep it from my friend. As she was shopping for glasses she offered to buy me a pair but I declined. I just didn't want the pity so I just walked away. The next morning I was going through my cash and realized that I had enough to pay for the hotel, valet and eat breakfast. So I tell my friend I wouldn't have enough for dinner and she said ok that wont be a problem. We went to the mall again that day and my friend insisted on buying me a pair of shoes and she did. I was grateful but deep down, I was still ashamed because I didn't have the money to buy it myself. She also ended up paying for my breakfast that day (and I was very confused on why she did so but when I tried to question it, she told me to hush so I left it alone). That evening as we were getting ready for dinner, she asked me if I was going to carry a bag and I replied that I wouldn't and she asked well how am I gonna carry my stuff and I just shrugged. She went on to ask how am I going to pay for dinner and that just struck a cord in me. My sensitive ass started to silently cry. I'm not quite sure what made me cry, but I think everything was just becoming too much for me. I felt like that was her way of letting me know that she didn't want to pay for me and she was tired of having to do so, I cried because my father would hate to see me depending on other people, I cried because I was embarrassed and felt little next to my friends (even though I know I shouldn't have felt that way). I called my sis and told her the situation and we decided that I just wouldn't eat anything but the lil heifer betrayed me and ended up telling my friend why I was upset and she got mad that I didn't tell her.

I've come to the point where now I don't want to ever feel like that again. Even though I hate my job, thats the way I can have some type of financial security. I also have decided to refrain from doing anything when not having the proper cash flow. I have always allowed my friend to pay for me when she insisted I come out even after telling her I wouldn't be able to pay but I am going to put an end to that. I can't keep allowing myself to feel so little. I will try and get my ish together because I know my dad is looking down on me and isn't happy at what he is seeing.


  1. I feel the same. It seems as if the roles are reversed for my friends and I. I use to be the one footing their bills when we would go out in high school and college, maybe now they want to return the favor by insisting to pay when we head out.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  2. Yea it use to be like that with me as well, but I always thought the older I got the better my financial life would be but that doesn't seem to be the case. But its all in God's hands and I'm sure He has his plans for me.