Saturday, June 12, 2010

Settling Shouldn't Be an Option

I just finished this book called "A Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Zane and it really made me think about some things. The book focused around 2 separate couples who had nothing to do with each other and gave a description about their relationships. The first couple was Brooke and Patrick and they had a very weird but common relationship. Brooke was in love with Patrick and Patrick claimed that he loved her as well but he had a weird way of showing it. He disrespected her by calling her all sorts of things like bitch, fat, sloppy etc... whenever she didn't do things he wanted her to do and he never stood up for her when it came to his parents or family friends. No matter how many times he disrespected Brooke, she would leave but she always came back. She even witnessed him sleeping with another woman and she came back to him after leaving for a few weeks.

This relationship is really what had me thinking because its not an unusual scenario. Many women (and men for that matter) find themselves in this predicament where they know that they are in an unhealthy relationship and that they do deserve better, yet they continue to stay with their significant other. In the book Brooke's friend makes a comment that all men step out on their ladies at some point in the relationship and you just have to accept the fact because it is inevitable. I don't know how many women actually believe that, but I know I wouldn't stand for it. I don't think all men cheat, although a majority do, I do think there are men out there that are faithful. As for women that actually believe that they should just accept the fact that their man is cheating on them and just turn the other cheek, news flash, you need to move on. I don't think anyone should feel that they need to stay in a relationship because they can't do better or anything. There is someone out there for everyone and just because a relationship isn't working out doesn't mean that you need to stay in it to just wait and see if things will get better. You can't change someone if they don't want to change for themselves.

Brooke kept going back to Patrick believing that she would never find a man better than him, but once she finally doing something with her life, she realized that she could do better and ended up with a better man who respected her.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ashamed and Embarrassed

As I mentioned before, my trip to LA was pretty good. I had a good time with my friends but the trip also brought out some deep emotions that I never really acknowledged before.

Now I have never really dwelled on the fact that I don't walk around with designer bags, shoes or accessories because in the end I can't afford that type of stuff right now. There has been times where I'm with friends and they have on their expensive purses and glasses and I'm rocking regular stuff and I feel a lil "unfortunate", but the feeling would fade as soon as it comes. Well on this particular trip, this wasn't the case. We practically went to the mall everyday that we was in LA and my friends made it their duty to buy plenty of things each and every time. In my case, I didn't buy anything because I knew I didn't have much money due to me just coming from Mexico 2 days before going to LA. So I just gave my opinion on things that they were purchasing and just stayed to myself really.

Well 2 days ago we were at the mall and they are shopping yet again and just picking up things and just charging it and it hit me that I probably wouldn't be able to do that for years. Then I just thought of how things were a lil easier with my daddy around and the water works started. I had my dark shades on that day so I just made sure to keep it from my friend. As she was shopping for glasses she offered to buy me a pair but I declined. I just didn't want the pity so I just walked away. The next morning I was going through my cash and realized that I had enough to pay for the hotel, valet and eat breakfast. So I tell my friend I wouldn't have enough for dinner and she said ok that wont be a problem. We went to the mall again that day and my friend insisted on buying me a pair of shoes and she did. I was grateful but deep down, I was still ashamed because I didn't have the money to buy it myself. She also ended up paying for my breakfast that day (and I was very confused on why she did so but when I tried to question it, she told me to hush so I left it alone). That evening as we were getting ready for dinner, she asked me if I was going to carry a bag and I replied that I wouldn't and she asked well how am I gonna carry my stuff and I just shrugged. She went on to ask how am I going to pay for dinner and that just struck a cord in me. My sensitive ass started to silently cry. I'm not quite sure what made me cry, but I think everything was just becoming too much for me. I felt like that was her way of letting me know that she didn't want to pay for me and she was tired of having to do so, I cried because my father would hate to see me depending on other people, I cried because I was embarrassed and felt little next to my friends (even though I know I shouldn't have felt that way). I called my sis and told her the situation and we decided that I just wouldn't eat anything but the lil heifer betrayed me and ended up telling my friend why I was upset and she got mad that I didn't tell her.

I've come to the point where now I don't want to ever feel like that again. Even though I hate my job, thats the way I can have some type of financial security. I also have decided to refrain from doing anything when not having the proper cash flow. I have always allowed my friend to pay for me when she insisted I come out even after telling her I wouldn't be able to pay but I am going to put an end to that. I can't keep allowing myself to feel so little. I will try and get my ish together because I know my dad is looking down on me and isn't happy at what he is seeing.


I haven't blogged in what feels like ages mostly because I didn't really have anything to discuss. Everything in my life has been blah and I have been through an emotional roller coaster but nothing too serious.

Well I have gone on vacations with my girls. For memorial wknd I went to Cancun, Mexico and had a blast. Our hotel was nice and we met some new pple and drank day in and out. Every single one of my friends got drunk at least once, except for my alcoholic ass. I must've had like 10 shots, and drinks after drinks and I never got a buzz.. Of course we took millions of pictures and we got closer as we always do everytime we go on vacation together.

Two days after I came back from Mexico, I went to Los Angeles to celebrate my best friend's 23rd bday and we had a lot of fun there as well. Although it was just 3 of us that went, we were still able to have a good time and take just as many pics as we would have if all the girls were there. I loved LA but it isn't somewhere to visit if you are not financially stable so of course I did have my emotional roller coaster there as well, which I will discuss on another blog.

Now I am back home and tomorrow I go back to the hell hole I call my job. I hate that job but it's the only thing that is keeping money in my pocket so until I find a new gig (which I hope will happen really soon), I am stuck there. Pray for me pple because I need something soon before I have a complete meltdown.