Monday, March 14, 2011

How Does One Know They Are "In Love"?

For some reason this question is always on my mind because I really want to know how you feel when you are truly in love with someone?

I have been in a real relationship with one man and I say I loved him and all that, but I honestly don't know if I was ever "in love" with him. I had feelings for him and I cared for him very deeply but I don't understand how you know when you are in love. Some people say you just feel it, but how does it feel? Do you wish to be around the person all the time? Is the person on your mind 24/7? I always think about my future and when I do meet a man and get serious with him how will I know if its more than like.

Besides my ex boyfriend, I told one other guy I loved him because I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure. A friend recently told her boyfriend she loved him and I was so happy for her, but again I wondered how she knew.  I wish there was a simple answer to this question but I don't think there is. Most people will say that you just know when it happens. I just hope if and when it does happen for me, I am able to recognize it and not mistaken it for just caring for the person.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Quick Getaway

Today I am heading out to Miami with my Besty Ash, my sis, n my homegirl for a wknd getaway. It's crazy because when my friend first asked me to go I kept saying no but I'm glad she talked me into it. I need a little relaxation in my life and some good ol nice sun and drinks. I will be back Sunday so I'll be sure to fill y'all in on how that goes. Peace out everyone!!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Smiling with Sadness

This morning on my way to the train station, my best friend's mother told me that I always look so sad and its understandable but not to worry because everything will fall into place in my life. I just smiled and said thank you and went to catch my train.

On my train ride into work, I started to think about my life and of course I teared. I mean NEVER did I think my life would be the way it is right now. I won't complain too much because there are a lot of people out there who are going through much WORSE than me, but I still can't help but feel sad. I think about losing my father way before I expected, not being in school working on my masters, not having a real steady job in finance or accounting, not being able to live at home, etc etc. They say that God doesn't put you through things if he knows that you can't overcome them, but I wonder when will I be able to overcome these boulders in my road to success and happiness.

I try to keep a smile on my face, despite how I feel on the inside because I am tired of complaining. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me and I am especially tired of feeling sorry for myself. My best friend says its totally understandable for me to be sad because I have been through a lot and even though that may be true, I hate being sad. I was always the happy one growing up and even if I came across problems in my life, I would always find a solution on my own or with the help of my dad. Now that he's gone I sometimes feel all alone. My mom is still here but everytime I speak to her I hear and feel the sadness in her voice that she can't do more for us and herself.

I have very big dreams and goals that I would like to accomplish and I just hope that things will get better very soon for me so that when I am smiling, there is nothing but happiness behind it.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Trifling Family

My weekend started off really bad. I got into a big altercation with my oldest sister for taking my money after I told her not to and this stupid girl had the nerve to call the cops on me. So for the first time in my life I was arrested and taken to jail. I don't think I can explain all the emotions that were going through my body and mind throughout this whole ordeal. I felt rage, anger, sadness, and betrayed. Despite me cursing her out or breaking things, it shouldn't have gotten to the point where she had to call the cops. I more so feel this way because she said she felt like her life was threatened but she didn't call them until about 10-15min after this whole fiasco happened.

My experience at the precinct and at bookings wasn't so horrible, but it was still bad. The cell at the precinct was so cold and the toilet looked so nasty and smelled bad. I was there for about 5hrs before I was finally taken to bookings. At bookings, I shared a cell with about 20 other women that were in there for various reasons and although I spoke to a few, it was not where I wanted to be. The fact that I had to pee in the open space or sleep on a mat on the floor was very disgusting to me. The only good thing was there was heat so I wasn't as cold as before. I wasn't able to see a judge until around 6pm and since this was my first encounter with the law and the whole scenario was so ridiculous I was let go. BUT, there is an order of protection which means I can't stay at my house if that girl that I once referred to as my sister is there. I'm just so over her and I will no longer consider her family. In my eyes, she died the night I got arrested. I may be overreacting but that's just how I feel. After this encounter with jail, I know for a fact that I don't ever want to go through this again (even though I knew this before).

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I'm Getting Old

Tomorrow I will be celebrating my 24th birthday!!! I'm very excited. A lot of people may not take their birthday's very serious, but I do. I get very excited when my birthday is approaching and I make plans to celebrate with friends and family, shop for a whole new outfit (outfits) and think about what I may want as gifts lol.

Last year around this time there was nothing but sadness in my household for 2 reasons. One reason was because that was the first year I was celebrating my birthday without my father being around. The second reason was the earthquake that took place in Haiti. It was bad enough that I was still mourning my father's death, but when I heard about the earthquake I got really sad again. I found out about 5min before the clock turned 12am to Jan 14, that my 5yr old cousin died in Haiti from the earthquake. This news was very devastating to me because this little girl was living with me for a few years and was recently sent back to Haiti to live with her mother because there wasn't anyone around to watch her. Her father, my uncle, was distraught because he felt if he had only kept her here in NY with him, she would still be alive today. So this week I mourn my cousins death as well as celebrate my life.

It seems like something sad always occurs around my birthday. Tomorrow night, my friends and I will be partying to celebrate, but on Saturday morning we will be going to a funeral to mourn the death of my friend's grandmother. I will be happy for seeing another full year in this world, but I will remember those around me that have made their way home to heaven.

So HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY TO ME!! Jan 14 I will officially be 24yrs old.

New Zodiac Sign

So apparently the earth's alignment has shifted causing a new zodiac sign to come about and everyone's sign to change. This new sign discovered is called "Ophiuchus". Apparently, the gradual tilt of the Earth has caused pre-existing zodiac dates to be inaccurate.  This new sign is represented by a serpent tamer and it applies to those born between November 29 and December 17.

With this new discovery, everyone is wondering if they have a new zodiac sign now and if so, what is it. Well here is the list of the new zodiac signs with the dates :

Capricorn Jan 20 - Feb 16
Aquarius Feb 16 - March 11
Pisces March 11 - April 18
Aries April 18 - May 13
Taurus May 13 - June 21
Gemini June 21 - July 20
Cancer July 20 - Aug 10
Leo Aug 10 - Sept 16
Virgo Sept 16 - Oct 30
Libra Oct 30 - Nov 23
Scorpio Nov 23 - Nov 29
Ophiuchus Nov 29 - Dec 17
Sagittarius Dec 17 - Jan 20

However, there is a twist to this whole new discovery. These changes only apply to people born after the year 2009. So everyone that was born before this year will remain the sign that they knew and loved. Weird right?? What are your thoughts about this?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Its Never Easy

Its NEVER easy to say to goodbye to a loved one!!!!

No matter the circumstance, when a loved one is lost, its never easy. They could be really sick and on their death bed, but when you get the news they passed away, it still feels like someone is squeezing your heart. Of course we hate seeing our loved ones suffering but the thought of them dying is never easy. Despite the visits to the hospital and the diagnosis given by doctors, in our mind everything will go back to normal soon. All that is going on is a big nightmare and you're waiting to wake up.

But when you get that phone call, text message, or visit and the news is that the person is gone, its like a reality check. You ask yourself "Is this really happening?"

Losing a loved one is never easy but its something we all will have to go through. I went through it plenty of times but the worst was when it was my dad. Now one of my closest friends is going through it and I will be right by her side whenever she needs me. You go through a lot of emotions and the only way to get through it is with the help of friends and family.

R.I.P. to my girl's grandma!!!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Doctors Have No Choice

I just finished watching last night's season premiere of Grey's Anatomy and it really got me thinking. For those who haven't seen it: There was a shooter at a college and 24 students got shot not including the shooter and the police officer who was able to take down the shooter. Not known to anyone until a while into the surgery, they were operating on the shooter and 2 of the doctors decided that they did not want to save this man's life. They walked out of the OR and went to go help other victims. At the end of the day all 26 victims were saved, thank God.

Sad to say, this happens a lot. The person who is the cause of a shooting or a car accident or whatever tragedy occurred is brought into the hospital because they have gotten injured as well. The only difference is that doctors don't have a choice but to try and save the person's life. As a doctor, you take an oath to do all that you can do to save someone (so I've been told). So no matter how much you may blame the person or hate that person, you have to try and keep them alive. Some may agree with this because time behind bars is a better punishment than death. To many people, death is like the easy way out and they want you to suffer and live with your actions for the rest of your life. But how do you try and save the life of someone who may have injured or killed someone close to you? I think doctors are faced with hard decisions everyday of their lives and I must commend them on being able to put their personal feelings to the side and do the right thing.

Women Are Ready...Men Aren't

Last night I was talking to a friend about relationships (what else is new right lol). The discussion was basically about women being ready to settle down at an earlier age then men. At the age of 23, females are already thinking about possibly getting married and creating a family, while men are more focused on the girl with the big butt that just walked by. This makes it really hard for females who are looking for the right one. Now don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of women out there who are just looking for a good time at that age as well. But, majority of the women out there are looking for THE ONE, the guy they can see themselves spending the rest of their lives with, the one that they can raise their child with.

It seems that if a woman is thinking about settling down, she needs to go to a man that is much older than she is. I'm sure this isn't always the case, but men are thinking about falling in love and getting married at the age of 27 or older. Why is that? I would love to get married one day and start a family, but I do want to get my career started before I do so. But that doesn't mean I don't want to meet a man and begin the foundation of what can lead to a blissful life with him. It would be nice if it could happen with a man in my age group, but the way that men seem to think nowadays I don't think that is possible. People say age aint nothing but a number, and although this may be true, it is still frowned upon when a woman dates a man who is much older than her. It would be nice if men and women were on the same page with this subject. What are your thoughts????

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Guest Blogger: The Reinvention of the Modern Day Black Man...

Yesterday I decided to check out a friend's blog to support and see his angle on different subjects. I came upon a really interesting blog entry that I must share with everyone:

DO NOT tell me to reach for the damn Sky, when there are footprints on the EFFIN moon!!!:
What standards would a 24 year old college graduate use to measure himself? They say the best standards to measure yourself by are your own, and that to live up to another’s standards is irrational. That’s usually a great rule of thumb when everyone else’s standards are higher than your own. What happens when your standards for yourself are higher than most? When this occurs, you become your own worst enemy. Constantly pushing yourself maybe harder than you need to, resulting in lapses of self-doubt. To make you feel better, they always say “Ronald, you’re doing a lot better than a lot of people.” But then again, I’m also doing worse than a lot of people. So I find myself in a constant limbo, caught between the living up to my sometimes irrationally high standards, and a world who settles for mediocrity, in which I REFUSE to conform to. Living in a society where you have 24 year old millionaires and 24 year olds who have been in prison for 10 years, its hard to find where you fit on the spectrum of success. This is something I struggle with damn near everyday. And all the time I tell myself just to be comfortable at my own pace, and reassure myself that I will get what I need to done. The problem with that is: I have a hard time dealing with the notion of “Comfort”.  I find being comfortable a form of settling, therefore I can never be comfortable with what I have, with what I’ve done, regardless of who I’m doing better than. “Don’t tell me to reach for the sky, when there are footprints on the moon.” I don’t know who said that, but it sums up my insatiable appetite for progress. The same goals that others reach and feel a sense accomplishment, I reach and wonder what would have happened if I worked harder, focused more, and then I’m already eyeballing my next move. The question of my life: is it better to be satisfied and be happy with what you have? Or to never be satisfied and never be happy because you are well aware that there are always going to be higher plateaus that you know you can reach if you just work harder?

This entry really had me thinking because many people set standards for themselves or goals they would like to reach and once they have accomplished it, they are satisfied. But, why not try to surpass that goal or standard? There are many people in this world who tend to settle instead of trying to go above and beyond. I have yet to reach the goals that I have set for myself, but I do know that I probably won't be satisfied when I do. I will always try and go beyond those goals just to continue testing myself and see how far I can go.

What are your thoughts about this? Have you reached the goals you have set for  yourself? If so, did you just stop and settle with where you are at or did you set even higher goals to be reached? 
I have included the link to my friends blog so feel free to check it out

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Bringing In the New Year


For the first time in about 6yrs I brought in the new year at home with my family. It actually wasn't very exciting to me because I was actually in bed. But at about 2am we gathered at my friend's house for food, drinks and laughs. It was actually the best way to spend my first day in the new year. I love my girls dearly and couldn't picture my life without them. We stayed up til 9am just having a good time and went straight to the mall to shop afterwards. New Years day we got all dressed up and partied. I couldn't have spent the beginning of the new year doing anything else. I look forward to more good times with my friends this year.

How did you bring in the new year??