Thursday, November 19, 2009

Are We Skipping Holidays??

As we all know Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and as normal human beings we are all looking forward to that good ol home cooked meal. But I got hit with major disappointment yesterday, NOONE IN THE FAMILY IS COOKING!!!!

My mother and aunts all said they aren't cooking this year because of the death of my father and although I can understand, I'm just beyond sad. I really want to eat and although I can go over to other people's houses, there's nothing like that meal that is cooked in your own home. Next they are going to say no christmas or birthdays. This is outrageous!!!!

I refuse to eat chinese food next thursday lol.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Overreacting As Usual

Everything has been going good with me and Stuy lately and I've been pretty happy. But of course that wasn't going to last.

Thursday we're on the phone talking and I mention to him that my male best friend is visiting from Atlanta on Sunday and I plan on chilling with him on MONday after work. He automatically says no I'm not and I'm like yes I am. He goes on to say that he's not okay with that and I'm like well that's my best friend and I haven't seen him in mad long so I will be chilling with him Monday. Then he says he finds it funny that I have time to chill with this guy but I never have time for him. Like are you really serious?? This guy goes to school from Monday-Thursday and works Monday-Friday and I work mostly Monday-Friday. The only time we really get to see each other is on the weekends or if I go see him in the week right quick so I was annoyed he even put that blame on me. I ended up hanging up the phone on him.

Friday I call him on my lunch break, but I notice that he is being shady. When I question him he says no he's not. He finally admits that he is still upset about the day before and the fact that I'm disrespecting him because I said I'm going to chill with my friend. I personally don't think its disrespectful and I'm like I respect you enough to tell you. I could've just went n hung out and then told you after...or not at all. In the end he says if I plan no chilling with my friend, then we are over and to not call him again. So I said well I am goingto chill with my friend and that's that. So he says its over and I hang up.

So I'm asking pple if they agree with it disrespectful to hang out with my best friend and everyone agrees with me.

Later that night, Stuy starts texting me as if nothin even happened, mind you its like 4am. I question him and ask why are you texting me and he says wow he can't text me. We keep going back and forth and in the end he's like give me my fuckin money and get your ipod. So I say fine. So to me we are over.

When I'm heade to him, he asks me to bring him food cuz he's sick and hungry and even though I didn't want to, I did anyway. We end up talking about everything and I guess you can say we worked it out, but I let it be known that we are not back together. I really don't know if I want to be with him anymore.

One of the reasons is because he admitted to me that he started talking to another girl when I went to Miami in October. I'm in utter shock right now. Then he has the nerve to say that we was broken up...I'm like we broke up for 2 fuckin days and you started talkin to some next girl. He says that nothing happened between him and her, they just hung out twice but idk how to grasp that. I mean you didn't just meet this girl. She must have been around prior to you supposedly "talking to her". So right now, I'm keeping my distance.

What do you guys think about everything??

Sunday, November 1, 2009


I tend to find myself always sad nowadays and sometimes its unbearable. I think about all thats going on in my life and I wonder where did I go wrong. What am I doing (or not doing) to be happy? I don't really speak on my feelings because I don't like to look weak nor do I like sympathy from pple but there is just but so much an individual can take.

I've spoken to my 2 besties about this and they suggested that I get a notebook and write about everything that is going on in my life whether its good or bad and makes me sad or happy and to give it to someone I trust and allow them to read it. Then when they are finished, I can have someone to talk to who may truly understand what is going on with me.

I think that was a great idea but I have yet to actually do it. I always look at blogging as a way to get things off my chest but then again there are some things I rather not reveal to the world about myself.

I have always had a sadness within me that I can barely explain to pple but with the death of my father, it has gotten worse. I try to do things that will make me happy (at least I think) but in the end I find myself unsatisfied. I'm at a party and still somewhat sad. I just hope I can find a way to cope with this before it gets "uncontrollable".

It Felt So Real

"Your father's coming home tomorrow so make sure that this house is clean. We don't need him coming home to a mess after being gone for about 2months." says mother

We all decided on what we would clean in the house to make everything spotless for daddy when he arrives. We did the laundry, cleaned both bathrooms, cleaned all 3 rooms, swept and vacuumed the hallway and stairs. We polished the wood and mopped the floors and cleaned all the dishes and made the bed and had everything ready for his arrival. We were all excited and couldn't wait to see that man walk through those doors, back into our happy home.

I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face and said I would wake up bright and early and shower and be sitting at the door when he walked in. But unfortunately, I overslept.

Next thing I know I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I wiped my eyes and sat up in bed. My bedroom door slowly opened and in walked the most important man in the whole wide world!!!! I screamed, "DADDY!!!!!!" and jumped out of bed and ran to him and gave him the tightest hug.

"Shay let him go. You're hurting him. Let him get to his bed to rest" said mommy.

I let him go and walked him to my room with a big smile on my face. I was happy for the first time in months. My daddy was home and everything was going to be okay. The cancer was gone and all his problems were no more. I couldnt have asked for anything more.

I opened my eyes and realized where I was and looked towards the door waiting for it to open. But it never did. I then realized I wasn't living in my big house anymore and my dad wasn't going to walk in through that door. I was all alone and the happiness I felt in that dream wasn't going to happen. I cried. I cried the same way I cried on September 13 when I got the text message saying that daddy was gone. I cried my eyes out and felt the pain all over again. I just wanted him to come back in my life but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I cried until I went back to sleep...went back to darkness.

Will this pain ever go away??
Will I ever be happy again??