Its Never Easy

Its NEVER easy to say to goodbye to a loved one!!!!

No matter the circumstance, when a loved one is lost, its never easy. They could be really sick and on their death bed, but when you get the news they passed away, it still feels like someone is squeezing your heart. Of course we hate seeing our loved ones suffering but the thought of them dying is never easy. Despite the visits to the hospital and the diagnosis given by doctors, in our mind everything will go back to normal soon. All that is going on is a big nightmare and you're waiting to wake up.

But when you get that phone call, text message, or visit and the news is that the person is gone, its like a reality check. You ask yourself "Is this really happening?"

Losing a loved one is never easy but its something we all will have to go through. I went through it plenty of times but the worst was when it was my dad. Now one of my closest friends is going through it and I will be right by her side whenever she needs me. You go through a lot of emotions and the only way to get through it is with the help of friends and family.

R.I.P. to my girl's grandma!!!

Thanksgiving

Happy Belated Thanksgiving everyone!!! I hope everyone enjoyed the time spent with friends and family and lets not forget....THE FOOD!!!

I had a GREAT GREAT Thanksgiving. Well, it really started off Wednesday after work. I went out for drinks with my sister and best friend and then ended up at a friend's birthday party. I was getting drink after drink and loving it. Of course that caused me to make a phone call to have a happy ending lol.

Yesterday I laid in bed until the food was ready and went over to my brothers house and hung out with the fam. I originally was going to go visit my aunt but then I changed my mind and went out with friends. First stop was my home girl grandmother's house where we hung out and told jokes and planned our next vacay. Then this guy came who I was talking to and he just cut me off out of nowhere after meeting me once. He proceeded to ask my homegirl who I was because my hair is different (I have bangs now) and I know he felt really lame (yessss lol). Then I went to visit my other best friend and then ended the night at my other home girl house where we played gestures. It was a great night. Only bad thing is I'm at work now and I only had 3hrs of sleep. But hey I'm young right.

Happy New Year!!!!

First and foremost let me say happy new year to all my followers and readers. I hope everyone had a nice time bringing in 2010.

My night turned out pretty well. Went to work that day and then brought in the new year with one of my bffs Ash n my close friend britt n her fam. Made sure we aint well and then headed to another friend's house for some drinks. We then went to this place downtown brooklyn called Dumbo Loft.

Now I'm thinking this is going to look like some lounge, not taking into consideration that in the name it clearly says "loft" lol. We get inside and I'm disappointed. First of all the place was just one big gigantic room with nothing but empty space. Then to top it off, we got there around 2am and the place was pretty much empty so I automatically figured the night was gonna be a drag. But slowly people started coming and then it got pretty crowded. Then to make the night even better, a friend came and purchased about 9 bottles of champagne so we were feeling nice and the dj was doing his thing on the spinners.

Then for a brief moment, I got upset. I received a call from Stuy but because of the music I told him to just text me. He says to me he wants me to come over and I reply when and the idiot says ASAP. So I remind him that I am at a party and that cannot happen. He then tells me that I am fronting on my man and that I'm stupid and he's gonna go do him. I knew he was drunk because of the way he was texting but I didn't really care. I was about to respond with a harsh message but ash took my phone and just told him to enjoy his night and I'm going to enjoy my party.

I quickly forgot about the incident and went back to enjoying my time at the party. At the end of the night we were taking pictures and then decided it was time to go. There was a girl in the corner that was super drunk and hunched over in deep slumber and ash decided to mock her. Well you know they say God dont like ugly, so he decided to punish her. She slipped on the slippery fall and did like a triple axle on the floor and landed on the floor on her face. We all just turned our head like omg!!!! Then krys yelled out help her and just when I was about to, I seen these guys run over and help her up. It might've been the funniest thing in the world and if she wasn't so drunk, I know her ass would've been soooooo embarrassed. But then we realized that she cut her hand deeply and was bleeding.

Other than that lil funny mishap, we enjoyed ourselves and brought in the new year right. I love my girls and my fam and hope that this year will bring nothing but happiness in my life. 2009 was a good year for me due to my graduation from college but it ended badly with the death of my father. I look forward to the new memories I will be making this year and I hope everything works out in my favor.

Graduation Parties

Well it's known that my gurls and I have just graduated from college (WOOHOO LOL), so this weekend was dedicated to us celebrating. Friday night was my homie graduation party @ Club Prime and Saturday was the other homie's graduation/birthday party at her crib.

Friday night was fun. While on the line, Chocolate came and he was talking to Ashy. He said wassup to me but no hug (I was a lil offended but whatever). So we finally get in the club and link up with the rest of the gurls and of course millions of pictures were taken. One thing I was a lil taken aback about was the price of the drinks. I ordered goose n orange juice and that crap was $14. Now I know this is typical in NY but understand I have been partying in ATL and I have yet to pay over $10 for a drink out there.

I should mention that Chocolate didn't end up coming in because they were charging him $40 to get in when he was really only suppose to pay $20. I was disappointed (I was really disappointed lol) but it was whatever I guess. lol

Around 2:30am Ashy had to go cuz she had to pick up the boo and I wasn't ready to leave so she left alone. Now I don't want you guys to think I'm grimey because I kept asking if she was cool with that cuz if she wasn't I would leave with her. I mean it was one of my closest friend's party so of course I didn't wana leave until it was over but Ashy is like my sis so I didn't want her getting mad at me, but she said she was cool and I just made sure she texted me when she got to the car, when she picked him up, and when she got home lol.

Saturday night was the backyard party and I had a blast as well. All the homies were there and guess who came thru......CHOCOLATE!!!!! lol. So me n Ash are walking to the crib from the car and we see him standing there talking to some girl and I already felt some type of way lol, but it turned out to be my homegurl. So he gives Ash a big hug and doesn't say anything to me ERRRR. When he looks at me I said hey Chocolate but he didn't say anything so I was like wow ok I won't be saying anything else to him for the rest of the night.

So me n Ash go upstairs to get some food and drinks and as we was eating, Chocolate comes up and starts talking to Ash. I just mind my business and eat my food. So then Ash says Shay, Chocolate says you didn't say anything to him tonight and I'm like wow are you serious. I definitely said hi to him and he ignored me. So he's like no you didn't, I kept looking at you waiting to catch your eye to say wassup and you made it your duty to not look at me. (lmao) I'm like no when I seen you look at me (once) I said "Hi Chocolate" and you just turned away as if I was nothing and he's like nah I didn't hear you. So then he comes and stands by me and gives me a hug and we talk for a bit. (The butterflies were on full mode at this time lol).

The night goes on and its full of pics and jokes and cake and drinks lol. Then Ash tells me she's leaving and I'm like ok (once again I'm not leaving cuz this is my close friend party). So I go to put my bag down and when I come back, she's gone. So I'm using my homeboy phone to call her but she not pickin up. So I get Chocolate to call her and she said she had left and he's like bring your ass back over here. Then he hooks my arm to his and we walk to go meet up with her ( I was feeling special and freaking paparazzi caught it on camera lol). I should add that he came with a date (and shorty was not cute to me...and I'm definitely not hating. I just think he could do better but I heard that's his ride or die so whatever!!!). While we were walking I asked if this is ok...is he gonna get into trouble with shorty he came with and of course he said no. He a grown ass man and can do whatever he wants lol.

So we get to the car and he talks for a bit and then he leaves. So I'm talking to Ash and then she says she has to go and when I say give me a hug she says no because she's mad at me but rather not talk about it now. So of course I went to the bestie and tried to get her input and that's when I realized that because I was trying to entertain everyone, I neglected Ash. Knowing everyone at a party isn't all its cracked up to be. But overall, THIS WAS A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!

Senior Week..The Beginning

I came back to Atlanta yesterday just so that I could partake in the senior festivities. (As you can see I'm putting my frequent flyer miles to use lol)

Last night we went to this club called Tongue & Lounge. Can you say POPPIN!!!!!!! We had a blast and I had about 4 drinks. Now let me back track here. This event was suppose to be open bar all night for ladies and we arrive around 12 or 1 in the morning. We go to the bar now to start the night right and there's no open bar. ERRHHH So we find the one of the people throwing the parties and ask wassup with this and they said open bar all night ended at 12. UMMM Sweetie if it was open bar all night, it shouldn't end til the club closes. But of course I didn't let that stop me. Just paid my money and got my drinks lol

Now I have this friend and me and him are always together. Everyone thinks we go out because of this but of course we just tell them its only friendship. So at the party my homeboy grabs me and pushes me onto my friend and says dance with him and stands in front of me so I couldn't move lol. People are too funny. Then at the end of the night he kept pushing me onto my friend so I could stay on his lap.

I should tell you guys that I do have a thing for my friend and after that I kept texting him so that we could stay the night together. Of course we didn't but I wanted to. I mean is it bad that I want this out of my system since we are graduating and we might not see eachother ever again???

Well tonight is the black and white affair at the Velvet Room and I got my dress and shoes ready. I'll let yall know how this evening turns out.

Just Say It From the Beginning!!!!!

So random friend hits me up today basically saying he wants to see me while I'm home. Now this friend, we'll call him ENY, is cool peoples and use to give me advice and such when I was dealing with Stuy. After Stuy and I broke up, ENY and I started talking and such. That summer we engaged in a sexual encounter lol. But then it seemed like he started acting funny. Like before we had sex, we use to talk everyday and he use to make sure he was the last person I spoke to at night before going to bed.



When the phone calls slowed and he always had an excuse for not wanting to chill I said f*** it. I'm not down for this shit and left him alone.



So he hits me up today:



ME: What's wrong with a 2 piece?

ENY: Nothing....I wanna see u wearing 1 in person

ME: That won't happen unless u go on vacay or the beach w/me

ENY: I can't see u with no clothes?

ME: Nope

ENY: why not?

ME: cuz I'm not fuckin u so y would I let u c me naked



Then he basically tells me he wants to have sex with me...or would like to



ME: We're friends

ENY: We weren't friends before?

ME: Yea but I had liked u then n I thought u did 2. But afta we had sex u was actin funny

ENY: No I wasn't actin funny. I did like you

ME: U was 2 me....made it seem like all u wanted was the sex. So I said wateva and left it at that

ENY: U deserve 2 know shit...it wasn't about the sex...I was feeling u...4real. But I had 2 much problemz...with fam, girls...everything was goin wrong and I needed time 2 just handle my shit 2 be honest. I didn't want 2 get involved knowin my head wasn't gonna be all there. I never wanted 2 disrespect u in anyway

ME: If that was the case u shoulda said it from jump n left us as friends. U shouldn't have had sex with me. But it is wat it is n its the past



Like I just don't understand men sometimes. If you feel you were going thru so much to the point where you don't want to build on anything with someone new, why not just say something from jump so that the female can know what she's getting herself into and if she even wants to be in that situation????? Well it's the past and that's where its staying. We will continue to just be FRIENDS, nothing more and nothing less!!!

You Always Need Your Own

So I live in an apartment with 3 other girls and its all good..sometimes. One of the roommates we don't even talk to so she doesn't even really count but the other 2 girls are my friends.

When I moved into this place, they was already living here from the previous year so the place already had appliances including living room tv, dishes, cups, decorations and whatever. So therefore, I didn't need to purchase anything. The only thing I did think about actually getting was my own tv for my room because I hate when I want to watch something but I can't because everyone else doesn't want to watch it and just basically competing for the tv.

Lets look at these past 2 days. Yesterday I was in the living room watching tv (Gossip Girl) when they both came home with their homeboy. At first one of them was cool with what I was watching and was basically asking me questions about it and sh**. Then the other comes in like omg do we have to watch this and I just ignored her and continued watching the tv. Gossip Girl finishes and One Tree Hill comes on. So I start watching it and they say omg do we have to watch this, we just sat here and watched your other show can we watch something else. Now I'm annoyed because the rule has always been if someone is watching tv you just sit thru and watch it because the person was there first. Then all of a sudden they want to watch the game as if we ever watch basketball. I was annoyed and said this wouldn't be happening if I had just gotten my own tv like I had planned to or if I would've brought the tv daddy got me but noooo smh.

Tonight they leave and go whereever and I'm home watching tv in the peace and quiet and I am definitely enjoying it. So College Hill comes on and thats the show I was waiting to watch and here they come talking ridiculously loud and shit and having this dumb ass discussion. Now I'm all for healthy discussions and stuff but it's just so rude when you know someone is watching television or something and here you come talking real loud making it impossible to hear. Had it been one of them, they would've been quick to be like they watching tv but they don't seem to respect that I am. ughh I so cant wait to graduate and head back up north and away from them.

Brooklyn Getaway

I'm back in ATL after a nice getaway back home to Brooklyn. I must say it was exactly what I needed because I was beyond stressed in school with all the homework and group projects and presentations, which aren't even over yet. I was a little stressed at home though because I had things to do for school, and I was only able to complete one which I completely bullshitted (excuze my language).

Let's get a recap of what happened at home. I partied like 3 days, went out to eat, shopped, chilled with the fam, and umm met someone lol.

First off the sis Ash took me out to Squadz (if your from bk I'm sure you heard of the place) and I seen some old faces. Music was definitely popping and drinks were good, so I had a pretty good night. That was thurs night. Friday spent the day with the lil sis, and yes people she seems to be doing well to me despite that whole suicide letter. We went shopping and she tried on some prom dresses but in the end she didn't get any of em cuz mom dukes didnt like lol. Friday night I ended up back in Squadz for the homie Jenell bday and that was a GREAT night. It was like a hs reunion because everyone was there. Music was great, drinks were coming from left and right. I must say the highlight of the night to me was when this man who was by our table the whole night approached me when we were leaving and whispered in my ear "If I was 6ft tall I'd definitely take you home tonight". lol Sat chilled with the sis n moms and spent the day at the salon. Then that night went to Benihana (I so love that place).

Sunday pretty much was another highlight of my break. Met up with this guy, lets call him Brownsville. He came thru and scooped me up, but we didnt really do anything since I had plans for the night. He was already kind of on my bad side because the night before he kind of played himself. But we drove around and then he dropped me off at the bestest crib. We was talking in the car for quite sometime and he kept kissing my hand, which was cool. The only thing that's kind of umm different about him is all the tats. I mean this guy has tattoos everywhere on his body; neck, arms, hand, chest...you name it he has it. I mean I find tats very sexy but with all that he has how in the hell would I ever let him come chill with me at the crib when mom or dad come thru. They would be like what the hell (yall know how caribbean esp. haitian parents are).

Anyway after I left him went and partied with the HS crew again and it was so much fun. Took pics and was acting a damn fool imitating songs and sh**. Good times. That night I also realized I actually do like my homeboy. I always found him attractive but he was just the homie. But that night, idk, I kind of felt something for him, but of course the bestest told me not to even think about it because he's a jerk, which I already knew. I doubt I act on it tho because I know how he is with females, and I also know that I wouldn't want to ever ruin the friendship because we usually can talk about anything. Doesn't it suck when you develop feelings for a friend but know you could never act on it ughhh.

Self-Conscious Drunk

Any one that knows me knows that I am usually a shy individual who doesn't really speak much. Then once I get use to the people, I open up more and tend to act more like myself (sometimes). I am this way because I don't like to be judged, especially when I'm the one judging myself the most.

I don't really like to party because I don't want to dance half the time, unless there are some drinks in my system. When I was in HS I played the corner all the time, and don't let me find a seat lol. This is a bad thing, but its the truth. Usually when I go to a party and I don't drink, I don't have as much fun. Don't get me confused for an alcoholic though; I don't drink to get drunk. A majority of the time, the liquor doesn't have an effect on me but I act as though it does. I can count on one hand the amount of times I actually got drunk.

Last night, my housemates and I threw a house party and had a bowl of alcohol and punch. We had a mike for people to sing on and music was blasting and everyone was just having a good time. My housemates started to feel the effects within their first cup, but of course I didn't. I actually may have gotten a lil tipsy by like the 3rd or 4Th cup, but it wasn't nothing to me at all. But in all honesty I used the fact that I was drinking to my advantage and started acting carefree dancing with everyone and singing on the mike, things I would never do if I wasn't "intoxicated".

Today we are discussing last night's events and they were all like Shay you were drunk and of course I said no I wasn't. We go back and forth because they don't believe me just because of my actions from last night. I try to explain to them, yet again, that I have a high tolerance level but they swear they know me. They bring up the time we went to the club and I had 2 drinks and I was acting carefree. So then I end up telling them I use alcohol as an excuse as to why I act this way, but in actuality I know what I'm doing. I just don't care. So Shan says how bout you just loosen up.

To me that's easier said then done because as I mentioned before I care about how people judge me. I sometimes feel stupid doing things, but with drinks in my system I can blame it on the a-a-alcohol lol. I judge myself severely and therefore I think others do as well. The main reason is because I'm so tall and not the skinniest person in the world so I feel I need to pick my actions carefully. Unlike most people, I don't like to be the center of attention; I become extremely nervous.

I always wonder if I will change, but I really don't know. Most of my friends I'm use to being around all the time so I act carefree. But with my new roommates I'm meeting new people all the time so I go into shy mode. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing but I will try and see if I can work on it. But I wonder if others do the same thing as me and use alcohol as an excuse to really be themselves and strip away all the shyness.