How Does One Know They Are "In Love"?

For some reason this question is always on my mind because I really want to know how you feel when you are truly in love with someone?

I have been in a real relationship with one man and I say I loved him and all that, but I honestly don't know if I was ever "in love" with him. I had feelings for him and I cared for him very deeply but I don't understand how you know when you are in love. Some people say you just feel it, but how does it feel? Do you wish to be around the person all the time? Is the person on your mind 24/7? I always think about my future and when I do meet a man and get serious with him how will I know if its more than like.

Besides my ex boyfriend, I told one other guy I loved him because I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure. A friend recently told her boyfriend she loved him and I was so happy for her, but again I wondered how she knew.  I wish there was a simple answer to this question but I don't think there is. Most people will say that you just know when it happens. I just hope if and when it does happen for me, I am able to recognize it and not mistaken it for just caring for the person.

Women Are Ready...Men Aren't

Last night I was talking to a friend about relationships (what else is new right lol). The discussion was basically about women being ready to settle down at an earlier age then men. At the age of 23, females are already thinking about possibly getting married and creating a family, while men are more focused on the girl with the big butt that just walked by. This makes it really hard for females who are looking for the right one. Now don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of women out there who are just looking for a good time at that age as well. But, majority of the women out there are looking for THE ONE, the guy they can see themselves spending the rest of their lives with, the one that they can raise their child with.

It seems that if a woman is thinking about settling down, she needs to go to a man that is much older than she is. I'm sure this isn't always the case, but men are thinking about falling in love and getting married at the age of 27 or older. Why is that? I would love to get married one day and start a family, but I do want to get my career started before I do so. But that doesn't mean I don't want to meet a man and begin the foundation of what can lead to a blissful life with him. It would be nice if it could happen with a man in my age group, but the way that men seem to think nowadays I don't think that is possible. People say age aint nothing but a number, and although this may be true, it is still frowned upon when a woman dates a man who is much older than her. It would be nice if men and women were on the same page with this subject. What are your thoughts????

A Real Date

So I'm laying in bed chatting with some of my girls and we begin helping my best friend figure out what she's going to wear to her date tonight. She was thinking of going with some jeans and heels or something low key since she doesn't know where she's going and the weather outside is pretty nasty. But then my homegirl tells her to wear a dress and some heels, preferable green because that's the guys favorite color. The convo then goes into how her ex would just say he's taking her out and she would always wear a dress because she never knew where they would be going and that's when it hit me, I'VE NEVER HAD A REAL DATE BEFORE.

Now don't get me wrong, I've gone out with plenty of guys and stuff but I never really had that real date vibe. When the guy comes and picks you up from your house and drives to this really nice restaurant and you enjoy your night with each other and all that mushy stuff. I wonder if I just don't know how to pick these males or something. Every time I do go out with a guy its usually to the movies or we just chill at his crib. Although I do enjoy doing these things, I would really like to go on that nice real date where I can put on a really nice outfit with some heels and he takes me out to a nice place and we get to know each other. Hopefully one day this can happen for me.

Why Did I Get Married 2

Last night was bonding night with all 3 of my sisters and we went to go see "Why Did I Get Married 2" and then went to dinner. It was really a nice time and drama free thank God.

Now this movie was GREAT!!!! I would definitely recommend it to any and everyone because it is a must see. It had me laughing throughout the whole movie and it brought me to tears in certain scenes. I would like to go into detail but I really don't want to ruin it for anyone so I'll try to keep it vague.

Angela was her usual crazy self and was out of control with her mouth, and once again her husband couldn't do anything about it. Sheila and Troy were beautiful together and I was happy things were working out in her favor but there's a move she pulled in the movie and all I kept saying to myself was, "Did this girl not see Soul Food?" smh. They went through an issue that a lot of married couples go through and that men have a problem with, which is a man's pride. Patricia and Gavin always seemed to be the couple that had their ish together but this movie proved that they were going through way more than everyone else and it just became too much for them to handle. Their relationship teaches a lesson that if you hold all your feelings inside, one day you will blow up and everything will come out and there will be some serious consequences. I was taken aback by this consequence, but I guess it gave the movie the "juice" that made it soooo realistic. Terry and Diane's relationship seemed to do pretty well as well but that "cheating" that was done could cause some serious havoc. I too feel that the worst scenario is when emotions are involved. Mike also teaches a vital lesson as to what happens when dealing with 80/20.

If you haven't seen this movie yet, I don't know what you're waiting for. I may even go see it again in the theaters and I am definitely buying it on dvd to go with my "Why Did I Get Married". For those of you who did see the movie, what did you think???

Way Too Observant

I've come to realize that I am entirely way too observant towards other people. Last night I was hanging out with Mr. P and I found myself depicting things to him about himself. Although I tried not to seem like I was judging too much or anything I was voicing what I usually look for in a guy. Like for instance, his jeans are a little baggier than I would like but I have seen him in fitted jeans and they look nice on him and he needs wear jeans like that more often. I also asked him if he dresses up sometimes and he replied no; the only time he wore a suit was to go to a funeral a couple years ago. So I asked if he wears shoes or cardigans and such and he said not really, but he does see himself changing phases and whatnot.

So today I'm talking to my best friend and I'm letting her know about the convo and my observations and everything and other lil stuff that might make me seem petty and she said to me that I am way too observant and I shouldn't let these things mess up something that can be good for me.

In all honestly I don't think I'm letting these things ruin us because I am still around him, I just can't help to let my mind wander. Is it bad that I just like to see guys dressed certain way? But I am going to try and stop "observing" and just enjoy my time with Mr. P and wait to see if we will work out.

I Just Don't Know What I Want

There is a slight possibility that Stuy is back in the picture.

Ok let me rewind. The other day we are speaking and he says he wants to see me so we decide to hang out today by his crib. So throughout the day I am pampering myself (both for myself and for him i have to admit) and I hit him up to confirm that we will be seeing each other later in the evening. He then says "Be at my house at 645pm and if you're not, don't bother coming". I was like wtf!!! So I text back and tell him he is being rude and is all that necessary and he says he's just letting me know from jump. Fine!!!

I go home after the hair salon and try and kill time and then I leave my crib at 6 so I can get there on time. I then realize I may be running late and even though I don't want to admit it, I didn't want to not be able to see him or chill. Luckily I made it by his house at 647 and everything.

When I get inside, I just had a rush of feelings shoot inside of me and I'm thinking damn he looks good. I'm nervous as hell and I'm sitting at the edge of the bed with my coat and bag on my lap just looking at the television. Long story short, we end up talking and such n such and in the end he ask why aren't we together and he tells me he misses me and asks me what is it that I want??? The only question I wasn't able to answer was "what do I want" because I honestly don't know. It's like I miss this man and I love him and I'm comfortable with him, but I'm not quite sure if I want to be with him EXCLUSIVELY. I wish there was a sign to let me know what I should do.

There's Someone Else/ Is This the End???

I apologize in advance for this long blog lol

Like any other night I'm on the phone with Stuy talking about my birthday, which is coming up, and the dress I'm ordering for the party. Then out of nowhere he says that things haven't been working out between us and he feels its because there are other people in both of our lives because he knows there is someone else in his life. Due to this other person being in his life, he hasn't been giving our relationship 100% of his time. Now at this point I am in shock because I totally wasn't expecting it, nor was I expecting him to tell me that he was talking to someone else.

So then he goes on to say that we need to put everything out there because there are some things that he has lied about and he's sure there are things that I need to let out as well. He then asks me if I have been with anyone else and I ask if he's referring to while we were an item or when we are broken up. He replies any time and I say yes I have been but it was while we wasn't together and the guy is someone from my past. I know he's hurt by my confession but in the end I really didn't cheat on him. It happened after he broke up with me. He then goes on to tell me about the "other girl".

She is a friend of his!. They met 4yrs ago when he first started school in Connecticut (she lives (lived) out there) and they have just been friends. 2yrs ago she moved to North Carolina but they remained friends. Then 2-3 months ago, they started speaking as more then friends and when she would come to NY to visit, he would chill with her. Every time there is a problem between me and him, he would just talk to her instead of dealing with the situation or just coming to me to voice his concerns. She will soon be moving back to Connecticut and he really cares for her and he LOVES her.

Now my mouth his wide open and I am in shock. I couldn't believe this. I mean I had a feeling he may have still been talking to someone else but I didn't think it would be to that extent. He claims he hasn't had sex with shorty, they just hang out or talk on the phone.

This may sound crazy but I honestly was mad and hurt that it wasn't just a girl he was fucking. The reason for this is because when you meet someone and the relationship is based on sex, you can let that go if you return to your shorty or whatever. But when you build an emotional connection with someone, you are in deep. You don't want to just drop the person and you feel safe with them. He goes on to ask if I am willing to work things out with him or if what he has confessed to me is too much and all this other nonsense.

MY FEELINGS ON THE SITUATION:

I don't think I can work things out with him. He has built an emotional connection with some next girl and he deeply cares for her and loves her. The whole time he was telling me about her and comparing me to her he kept saying this, but all he was saying about me was that he cared for me. Now I feel like that's some what I sign that he doesn't love me anymore (even though he really didn't come right out and say it). Now the main reason I don't think I can "work things out" is because this girl isn't going anywhere, she's always going to remain in his life. The reason for this is because technically THEY ARE FRIENDS!!! They were friends from jump so I know he's not about to cut a friend (he cherishes) out of his life for me just because I'm not comfortable with the situation. He has also admitted that she is always going to be in his life as well and that doesn't sit too well with me because how do I know that every time we are going through problems he isn't running to her or when he tells me he has to work on days he's usually off he's not chilling with her. Stuy says its all a matter of trust but if you've been lying to me all this time about this girl, how am I suppose to trust that you aren't going to lie to me now about the role she plays in your life. Then I thought about it and I realized he said he been talking to her for about 3 months now which means this so called "relationship" started in October. Now in October we was a couple. He broke up with me when I was in MIA for about 3 days for a stupid ass reason and we got back together when I came back to Brooklyn. He admitted that he had started talking to someone but she was no longer in his life because he "loved me so much". Then at the end of October/early November, he broke up with me because my male best friend came into town and I told him I was going to hang out with him and he wasn't trying to hear that. So now I question when did his relationship with this girl start? I just don't know if I can deal with all of that. I want to be in a happy relationship and I feel like there is always something keeping that from happening when it comes to Stuy. I think its time I really moved on, and leave him in my past.

I'm just furious he waited until a week before my birthday to tell me that. A week before a special day I wanted to spend with him. I kept having a gut feeling that I would be sad for my birthday and that it would be because of him, but I kept hoping I would be wrong. But I guess you should always trust that gut feeling. :-(

Does anyone feel I am overreacting? Should I just respect the fact that he told me and work things out with him or is it best I just cut my losses and find someone else? What are your thoughts on this situation??

No Crying on the Boatride

Last night I went on a boatride for Ash birthday. We all looked real nice and the boat was nice also. It had 3 floors and a buffet and like 3-4 bars.

I got on the boat and was taking professional pictures and then I wanted to take pics on my own camera. This couldn't happen because I forgot my camera in the car. I was pissed and sad because I always have to have pics (yea I know I'm dramatic).

We all chilling on the 3rd floor of the boat and it was cool. Music was nice and we was taking pics and dancing and stuff. So then we all sat down and I took a look around at the people I came with. Ash was with her bf, my sis was with hers, and a couple of my other homegirls were. Then this feeling just hit me and I became sad. Neqs asked me if I was ok and I'm like yea I'm fine...and then I felt my eyes water up. I decided to just look up to make them go away before anyone sees and then Ash taps me and asks if I was ok. I look at her and say yes (bad move). She saw my eyes glistening and was like n your not and then the tears fell. I tried to wipe them away but she kept asking what's wrong and I'm like I'm fine. So she tells her bf and they both are trying to cheer me up. So he's like you need a drink and I'm like no I'm good and he's like I'll get you juice or alcohol, you choose and I'm like nah I'm good. So Ash is like no get her a drink. So he's like I'm going down there to get something, come with me and I'm like no I don't want to walk through these people with tears in my eyes and of course Ash pushes me to go with him.

We get to the bar and he's talking to me about alcohol and how I'm no match for him and I really appreciated it because it cheered me up. It was also real cool because sometimes I don't know if he likes me or not and I'm always telling Ash that.

So I know everyone is wondering why I was crying and the reason is because I felt lonely all over again. I mean I was with all my friends and we were having a good time but I just wanted what they had for a sec. I wanted to have a bf and be there with him and dance with him and just have a nice time and take pics with him. I think it really hit me because I never had that in my life and I am 22years old. I know that was the wrong time to be thinking about that but I couldn't help it due to my surroundings.

After the boatride I was telling Stuy and he was like damn babe I wish you told me it was a couple thing and he felt bad. But then we get on the topic that we aren't official and he's like I don't be acting as if I even want to be official with him. Truth be told I really don't know if I want it...with him that is....

Fresh Start is Needed

Ok I know all I've been talking about is my relationship problems (if you would even call them relationships) but I just can't help it. I need to vent.


We all know the cancellation of last night's plans (read previous blog), so when I made plans with Stuy for today, I was expecting everything to go as planned. NOT!! First off I had to get my hair done all alone this morning because mom dukes decided to stay at work and not inform me lol. This took a major toll on my schedule of events for the day. The plan was for me to go to the hair salon at like 9/10am so that I could be finished by 12pm and then Stuy could come over so we could chill. SMH I didn't end up leaving my house until 1230pm and then had to go by daddy house and then the salon. I ended up finishing my hair at like 245pm and I gave him the directions to my house. He calls me about an hour later saying he doesn't knw if he's coming and he'll call me back and let me know. UUGHH

When I didn't hear from him I figured he wasn't coming so I got comfy in bed. He then tells me to come meet him because he's almost here. On my way, I see my mother and sister and I'm like damn this heffa is home early. I tell him and he gets mad. I'm like you can still come over because my sis doesn't care. But does he....NOOO. He leaves with an attitude and that led to arguing for the next few days.

By day 4 we had a long discussion and I decided maybe he should just stay in my past. He acted as if the decision didn't affect him but kept speaking to me about it. But my mind was made up. WE WERE OVER!!

Next day I don't hit him up at all...what's the point?? We're over. He calls me late that night but I was sleeping and the morning after I text him and we started discussing us again. So we are trying it out..yet again. I don't know what my problem is....

Just Say It From the Beginning!!!!!

So random friend hits me up today basically saying he wants to see me while I'm home. Now this friend, we'll call him ENY, is cool peoples and use to give me advice and such when I was dealing with Stuy. After Stuy and I broke up, ENY and I started talking and such. That summer we engaged in a sexual encounter lol. But then it seemed like he started acting funny. Like before we had sex, we use to talk everyday and he use to make sure he was the last person I spoke to at night before going to bed.



When the phone calls slowed and he always had an excuse for not wanting to chill I said f*** it. I'm not down for this shit and left him alone.



So he hits me up today:



ME: What's wrong with a 2 piece?

ENY: Nothing....I wanna see u wearing 1 in person

ME: That won't happen unless u go on vacay or the beach w/me

ENY: I can't see u with no clothes?

ME: Nope

ENY: why not?

ME: cuz I'm not fuckin u so y would I let u c me naked



Then he basically tells me he wants to have sex with me...or would like to



ME: We're friends

ENY: We weren't friends before?

ME: Yea but I had liked u then n I thought u did 2. But afta we had sex u was actin funny

ENY: No I wasn't actin funny. I did like you

ME: U was 2 me....made it seem like all u wanted was the sex. So I said wateva and left it at that

ENY: U deserve 2 know shit...it wasn't about the sex...I was feeling u...4real. But I had 2 much problemz...with fam, girls...everything was goin wrong and I needed time 2 just handle my shit 2 be honest. I didn't want 2 get involved knowin my head wasn't gonna be all there. I never wanted 2 disrespect u in anyway

ME: If that was the case u shoulda said it from jump n left us as friends. U shouldn't have had sex with me. But it is wat it is n its the past



Like I just don't understand men sometimes. If you feel you were going thru so much to the point where you don't want to build on anything with someone new, why not just say something from jump so that the female can know what she's getting herself into and if she even wants to be in that situation????? Well it's the past and that's where its staying. We will continue to just be FRIENDS, nothing more and nothing less!!!

Men Are Just As Sensitive

Last night I stayed on the phone with Stuy til 5am. Majority of the time we weren't even talking. My eyes were closed (I was sooo tired) and we were just holding on to the phone. He was listening to music and we would say or ask something every few minutes. Its sad though because I knew I was tired but I didn't want to get off the phone. I was comfortable with just having him on the other end.

Well we ended up getting on the topic of when I come home (next wk baby lol) and us seeing each other. He still doesn't agree with the fact that I want to meet in public grounds, away from his house. So we are talking and he makes a comment about sex and I say sometimes you make it seem like thats all you want from me. BIG MISTAKE!!! He got so upset and was like how could you say that to me. He was soo mad and was basically acting like an ass for the rest of the time we were on the phone. He said we really don't need to be dealing with eachother if I think he only wants me for sex. He doesn't lack it that much for him to feen to get it from me.

My whole thing is he took my comment the wrong way because I didn't say he only wants me for sex. I was just pointing out that sometimes the comments he makes have made me feel as though that's all he wants, but I know it isn't. It was just a way for me to let him know he needs to watch what he says to me sometimes because of how it makes me feel. So at the end of the convo I ask if he misses me (which we always ask eachother) and he says no. I'm like wow are you serious and he's like yea and I'm like you know what let's just get off the phone and he's like ok so I hang up.

Now I'm mulling all this over and I'm like I just don't understand why he got upset because to me he's misinterpreting what I was saying. So the roomie says because he actually cares for me and it hurt him for me to say all he wants me for is sex. Men are just as sensitive as females and when they really care about a female and the female says something hurtful, they really take it to heart. So I apologized!!

But I wanna know do you guys agree, are men just as sensitive as women when it comes to someone they really care for?

What Should I Do??

Stuy and I have been talking on a regular basis now and I have to admit I like it. I am remembering why I did like him so much; we always had good convo and he always seemed like he genuinely cared about me and what I had to say and what was going on in my life.



So last night we stayed up talking til 430am (mind you I had to wake up at 645am for my 8oclock class) but that didnt stop me. I told him how I really felt then and now...Im only going to elaborate on the important parts of the conversation:

Stuy: wen u ready to change 4 me, leme kno
Stuy: until then idk wat to tell u Shay
Me: y do i need to change 4 u. thats y we didnt work...u wasnt satisfid wit me. u wanted me to change. 2 b the person u wanted, 2 do all u asked n wanted
Stuy: OMGGGGGG
Stuy: thats not the case. i dont want u 2 change but damn, atleast muthafuckn compromise. u so stuck in ya fuckn ways u dont realize ur impossible to deal wit and THATS y we didnt work
Me: not every situation can b compromised. u just want so much its ridiculous
Stuy: if i want too much wats the point in even talkin to me??
Me: u really want me 2 answer that
Stuy: yes i do
Me: becuz i still have feelings 4 u. u did shit 2 me that hurt n there were plenty of times i wanted 2 call it quits but i couldnt. n the way we ended was the only way 2 try n let u go. but wen u hit me up my feelings came bak. i rememba all ur ways yet the attraction n shit is still there
Stuy: damn, i aint know that

Then he wanted to know wat did he do to hurt me and I gave him like 3 examples and situations we was in that affected my feelings towards him.

Stuy: im not saying i was the perfect partner while we was together, but i neva knew the shit i did bothered u like that. u really kept ya feelings to yaself alot. im sorry 4 da shit i did, i neva meant to hurt u. i cared about u tho. although i did some shit @ times, i treated u good. and thought that would b enuff to keep u happy

We ended up talking on the phone after that for the next 2 hrs about us. He then asked if I am willing to drop the other guys in my life to fuck with him again??? Ummm idk is what I said.

We started talking and shit and it felt like normal times again...the good times when shit was sweet between us and it felt real good because I still do have feelings for him but idk if I'm willing to drop the others to give us a go again because I dont know if he's worth it. I mean would I be like those dumb girls who deserve to be treated badly because they go back to the men who hurt them?? Is it really a wise decision to invest my time in him again?? Im actually leaning towards a yes because it just feels so right but in the end I dont know. I need advice...even though in the end it is my decision. THIS IS JUST SO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Ex pt 2

I don't know how to feel about Stuy trying to come back into my life after us not speaking for a year. I mean are you for real right now. You just so happened to be thinking about me at 5am one morning after not thinking or speaking to me for so long. WTF!!!!

Like an idiot, I have been speaking to him since that day though. I don't know what the reason is, but I find myself drawn to him like I was in the past. We've spoken about a lot including our relationship, why we broke up, and what's going on in our lives now. He says I should've done more to keep us together. If I had cared about the relationship I would've kept calling until I was forgiven for allowing the guy to kiss on my neck. We talked and talked and I guess we pretty much got over it.

Now lets speed up a bit. This man has the nerve to say that I still belong to him. WHAT!!! Ok let me back track and walk yall through this part of the conversation.

Stuy: soo u coming 2 check me nxt time u in da city?
Me: umm idk. I mean we can probably link somewhere n catch up
Stuy: hmm. Idk how 2 feel about that
Me: wat u mean? whats the prob
Stuy: im not saying theres a prob. just feel like ur actin brand new
Me: how?
Me: we've been talkin normal this whole time
Stuy: yea but wen i asked u 2 check me u gave me a funny style response
Me: im not bein funny wit it. i was kind of caught off guard n im like i dont think it b rite 2 come 2 ur crib...cuz thats how i took "come check u"
Stuy: why dont u think it b right to come to my crib?
Me: idk. i figure itll b easier 2 talk in a public area face to face. y r u against us meeting somewhere to talk?
Stuy: im not against us meeting n a public place. it jus thru me 4 a loop cuz u neva had a prob coming to the crib b4.
Stuy: That's something that was never an issue

Let's fast forward this convo

Stuy: u got a bf??
Me: no
Me: just talkin
Stuy: wat happened to him?
Stuy: hmm, how serious r yall??
Me: what happened to who
Stuy: whoeva u talkin 2
Me: he around
Stuy: how long yall been talkin??
Me: one since the summer...the other 2 not too long
Stuy: woooowww
Stuy: how many of em r u fuckn & suckn???
Me: I've had sex once wit da guy from the summer...thats bout it
Stuy: hmm yea ok
Me: im dead ass. that was like last month n b4 that I hadnt had sex in 9 months
FAST FORWARD
Stuy: im dissapointed in ur answer
Me: y
Stuy: im da only dick that should b in u
Me: so i was suppose to practice abstinence wen we broke up?
Stuy: yup pretty much. If u aint fuckn or suckn me, ya legs n lips should remin closed
Stuy: u belong to "Stuy"
Me: nahh im not property
Stuy: naw u mine. all mine
Stuy: idc how long its been since weve spoken, youll always b mine

First off yes people he's that rude with that whole fuckn n suckn nonsense. but can u believe this guy. Like did he really think I was going to sit around waiting on him?? I think the worst part is the fact that I like when he says things like that. I like the fact that he still cares and/or likes me.

I know I'm crazy but since that day we speak pretty much everyday. I dont know if I want us to be an item again, but I doubt it. But once again I'm drawn to the attention he gives. Now the question is will I go see him when I go home in a couple weeks???

The Ex

Strangest thing happened this morning, my ex boyfriend hits me up...at 5 in the morning!!! EERRR

Let me not be rude and tell yall about this guy "Stuy". We met about 3yrs ago during my sophomore year in college. He was cool peoples and he use to take me out all the time or we would just chill by his place. We even found a spot with a beautiful sight and it became "our spot". But everything wasn't so dandy with him. We argued way too much! It was ridiculous actually. Everyday we spoke, and everyday we argued, sometimes over serious issues and other times over dumb shit. He was an extremely jealous person and got mad at everything I did. He didn't like me partying, hanging out with male friends, etc.

Despite all of this, we was off-and-on for about 2yrs. I can't reall say it's because I was really attracted to him because he's not my type at all. After our first date, I really hadn't planned on meeting up with him again, but we did. I think as our relationship developed, I became more attracted to the attention he showed me and the sex.

Well one night I went to a house party and my friends and I ended up playing truth or dare and I allowed my homeboy to kiss/suck on my neck. There was a lot more dares but I declined because I had a boyfriend. Well I was always honest with Stuy(sometimes brutally honest just to start an argument smh) and I told him about the party and truth or dare game. Of course he was upset, but at this point in our relationship I was pretty much fed up with him because of all of our problems. In a way I wanted to break up with him but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, so I found ways to upset him (I know that was wrong of me). We might have broken up dozens of time but we always wound up right back together. I should also point out that none of my friends liked him at all because of all the things he's done to me like stand me up on dates, cheat, etc.

Anyway he wasn't really happy with the events of that night and didn't really want to talk to me so we got off the phone. Now earlier that day he had asked me to call him in the morning to wake him up so I was still planning on doing so. Well the next morning I did just that and called him. He picked up and had a big ass attitude and didn't even thank me or anything, he was just plain rude. That was the last time I spoke to him. That was last year.

Since then I deleted him off my aim and out of my phone book because I knew we would never speak again, not that way anyway. I did say happy birthday to him via facebook tho. So understand I was shocked as hell this morning when my phone vibrates and I check and see its him. Of course I didn't respond at that moment, I just rolled around and went right back to sleep. But I did respond when I woke up at 645am and I asked "Are you sure you're im'n the right person?" I mean what am I suppose to think? We haven't spoken in about a year and you hit me up saying "What's up babygirl" like we are cool and shit and nothing ever happened. Let's see what happens....

Getting Back Home

I remember people always telling me that if a man really likes you or cares for you, he will always make sure you get home safely after hanging out with him.

According to these people, if you are chilling by a man's house and you are getting ready to leave, he will either drive you home (if he has a car) or he will put u in a cab and PAY FOR IT!! If a man allows you to take public transportation from his house, then he obviously doesn't care for you that much...especially if its late.

Well I encountered this problem when chilling with Harlem. One time he came and picked me up from a cookout and we went back to his place to hang out. In my mind I'm thinking ok he's picking me up from here and we are in Harlem and I live in Brooklyn so of course he's bringing me home because it is late (he picked me up after 9pm). So 12am rolls around and I'm like ok its getting late and I have to work in the morning so I should get home. Now I'm thinking he's going to drive me home because I LIVE ALL THE WAY IN BROOKLYN and he wouldn't want me to get on the train at this time coming from his house. WRONG!!! He walks me to the train station and gives me a hug and kiss and tells me to call him when I get home. I just said ok and left. Now on the train I'M PISSED. I didn't understand why he didn't drive me home or put me in a cab for that matter. I was too embarassed to tell my friends, so I told my sister and she was just like wow.

I didn't say anything about the whole situation for a while but then one day we were having an argument and I brought it back up. He wanted me to come over and I asked well how would I be getting home because I refuse to take the train home and he's like well it depends on the time you leave cuz if it's late I'm not gonna feel like driving all the way to your side of town. HHHMMM. So I'm like then its up to you when I leave since your the one driving. So we go back and forth about this and I bring up that night I took the train home. I told him that someone once told me that if a guy really likes a girl he will make sure she gets home by either bringing her home or putting her in a cab. He's like he was too tired to drive me home and he thought about putting me in a cab but that would've been like $45. Now I'm real pissed and of course the argument escalates and blah blah blah.

So I'm wondering, how do a majority of males feel about this? Do you males agree with the statement that a man who likes a woman would always find a way to get her home? If a man doesn't is that a way of letting you know he doesn't really care about you?

What If I Went to School in NYC

Everyday I wonder to myself what if I had stayed in NYC for school....how different would my life be? Would I have made different decisions regarding my major, my friends, my relationship status and so forth. Idk



I love the friends I have met between the 2 colleges I have gone to. I love my Dani Gurl, Nellz, Vee, Tia, Henz, Webby, JO, Jevin, Dee, Chris etc. They made my life in Coby so much better and enjoyable. Then I think of my friends in Clark...I love Shan, Phil, TT, Akela, etc because they helped this down south transition become successful. But what if I had decided to go to a CUNY school or a school in LI or anywhere close to home? Who would my friends be...other than the ones who were there b4 I started college?



My main issue is on my relationship status. Would I have a boyfriend? I can honestly say I have never been in a serious relationship for different reasons. In hs I was so focused on this one guy for all 4yrs that I wasnt able to go out there and meet new pple...new men and that is something I will regret forever because he was a total waste of time. Smh at me not realizing that much earlier.



But now I sit and think about these past 4yrs in college and I was never in a "serious" relationship. I just did the whole "I talk to him" thing and left it at that. Don't get it twisted, I wanted a relationship but different factors kept that from happening. The main one was the fact that I was away at school. Although Coby was still in NY, it was a 4hr drive from Brooklyn which made it long distance to me. I didn't want to talk to anyone seriously back home because I didn't want to do the long distance relationship where I couldn't see them whenever I wanted to and also have them questioning what I was doing on campus. I started talking to a guy that I met thru my best friend and I really liked him but I kept him at a distance. When he told me he wanted me to be his girl, I shut him down. One reason was because of the distance and the other was because I was also talking to someone on campus whom I had very deep feelings for. That didn't last either because he graduated and went even further away for school to actually have a relationship with me.



Now I'm in ATL and find myself with a similar scenario. I want a bf but I will not do the long distance thing, especially with me being so far. I mean to get home I have to fly and the same if he wanted to come see me. I know if you want something to work you have to be willing to do those things but I have so many concerns regarding that. Like what happens when he is in need of some sex and I am millions of miles away, is he going to go to someone else to get his needs taken care of? Will I be able to trust him? I just didn't want to have to go thru all these emotions and uncertainties so I just stayed to myself.



But I do talk to people and I just make it my duty to see them when I come back home to visit.

Lets introduce the main guy I'm talking to Harlem, whom I really like. I do actually want us to be more than just "talking" but he doesn't want this because he doesn't feel he has the time for a relationship. I do respect this because he is very focused on his school work as well as his full time job, but like I said b4 I really do like this guy. If I had stayed home, would we have been a couple? That's something I will never know but I really wish the answer would be yes. I've been talking to Harlem for quite sometime now and nothing major has really happened but he's done things that has caused me to question how he actually feels about me, which has also casted him out in the eyes of my sis Ash. I will get into detail later about our encounters and what's making me hold on to him.

I guess I will never be able to answer my what if questions but they will always be wandering in the back of my mind. Would I be in a happy committed relationship? Would I have met the goals I'm aiming for now at a quicker pace? So much thoughts with no answers. All I can think about is what I would've done differently if I had stayed home to make me "happy".