Tuesday, January 26, 2010

What Does the Future Hold??

During my brief time in the Bahamas and on the plane rides to and from I thought about my life a lot, more so my love life. Even though being in a relationship isn't one of my main concerns at this moment, I often think about when I will be in a real relationship.

One night during dinner, my friends were talking about their recent ex's and how they dealt with trying to get over these men, their feelings and what's going on now pertaining to their status and I just sat there real quiet. I didn't have any input to add to the conversation because I was never in their positions, and I can't help but think why? I mean I'm an attractive girl and I have many good qualities, yet I always seem to be single. I talk to guys here and there and I recently did just break up with my "boyfriend" but it just doesn't seem to be the same to me. I don't think I've ever been in love honestly. I mean there was this guy back in college and I had real deep feelings for him, I still do actually, n I do love him but I really don't know if I was (am) in love with him. Then this recent ex I know I wasn't in love with him. I just want to experience the real love. I want to have a man in my life to share my joys and pain with, someone I can just open up to and do things with and introduce to my family and meet his family and actually work on building a future together.

I often say I don't believe in forever because of all the failed marriages that I know about and especially my parents marriage, but truth is I want that forever love. I keep asking if God will send a man my way for me to have this connection with, and I honestly don't know if it will happen. Most people will say that I'm still young and I shouldn't be worrying about that, but I want it soon. I want to just start my life (career, marriage, kids). But the real question is, is this ever going to happen for me, and if so, WHEN??? I'm always in a daze just thinking about it and it makes me feel incomplete.....

Bahamas Getaway

This past wknd I went on a cruise to the Bahamas with 3 of my closest friends. It was a surprise n last minute thing for me because that was my bday gift from them and I was soo very happy. We flew out to fort lauderdale and then took a cab to miami and boarded the ship. From then on it was nothing but fun in the sun. We got our tan, did games with other people on the ship, took lots n lots of pictures, dinners and shopped. It was a good experience and a much needed getaway for me from all that stress in my life. When I got a massage, the lady told me I have a lot of knots in my shoulders and I knew that was from stress. Now I'm back in NY and we are planning our next 2 trips and tryna get our money right for the trips and for other things.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Today I will be celebrating my 23rd birthday and I just want to thank God for allowing me to see another year. Even though this age is not that big of a deal, I will never forget it for 2 reasons. One important reason is that this is the 1st year in my whole life that I will have to celebrate my birthday without my father in my life, whether its in person or him just calling to wish me a happy birthday. The second reason is the tragedy that is going on in Haiti.

As many people know I am Haitian and I do have family there and many of them cannot be found at the moment. I'm praying that they are alright but the sadness comes from the fact that I received news 10min before my birthday that my little cousin died in the earthquake. I was very shocked because she is very young and didn't get the chance to live her life yet. But we all know God does things the way he feels is best so I will try not to question Him.

I will still go on celebrating my birthday today and this weekend because I do cherish my life and I'm grateful I'm still alive and healthy to do so. So once again HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

There's Someone Else/ Is This the End???

I apologize in advance for this long blog lol

Like any other night I'm on the phone with Stuy talking about my birthday, which is coming up, and the dress I'm ordering for the party. Then out of nowhere he says that things haven't been working out between us and he feels its because there are other people in both of our lives because he knows there is someone else in his life. Due to this other person being in his life, he hasn't been giving our relationship 100% of his time. Now at this point I am in shock because I totally wasn't expecting it, nor was I expecting him to tell me that he was talking to someone else.

So then he goes on to say that we need to put everything out there because there are some things that he has lied about and he's sure there are things that I need to let out as well. He then asks me if I have been with anyone else and I ask if he's referring to while we were an item or when we are broken up. He replies any time and I say yes I have been but it was while we wasn't together and the guy is someone from my past. I know he's hurt by my confession but in the end I really didn't cheat on him. It happened after he broke up with me. He then goes on to tell me about the "other girl".

She is a friend of his!. They met 4yrs ago when he first started school in Connecticut (she lives (lived) out there) and they have just been friends. 2yrs ago she moved to North Carolina but they remained friends. Then 2-3 months ago, they started speaking as more then friends and when she would come to NY to visit, he would chill with her. Every time there is a problem between me and him, he would just talk to her instead of dealing with the situation or just coming to me to voice his concerns. She will soon be moving back to Connecticut and he really cares for her and he LOVES her.

Now my mouth his wide open and I am in shock. I couldn't believe this. I mean I had a feeling he may have still been talking to someone else but I didn't think it would be to that extent. He claims he hasn't had sex with shorty, they just hang out or talk on the phone.

This may sound crazy but I honestly was mad and hurt that it wasn't just a girl he was fucking. The reason for this is because when you meet someone and the relationship is based on sex, you can let that go if you return to your shorty or whatever. But when you build an emotional connection with someone, you are in deep. You don't want to just drop the person and you feel safe with them. He goes on to ask if I am willing to work things out with him or if what he has confessed to me is too much and all this other nonsense.

I don't think I can work things out with him. He has built an emotional connection with some next girl and he deeply cares for her and loves her. The whole time he was telling me about her and comparing me to her he kept saying this, but all he was saying about me was that he cared for me. Now I feel like that's some what I sign that he doesn't love me anymore (even though he really didn't come right out and say it). Now the main reason I don't think I can "work things out" is because this girl isn't going anywhere, she's always going to remain in his life. The reason for this is because technically THEY ARE FRIENDS!!! They were friends from jump so I know he's not about to cut a friend (he cherishes) out of his life for me just because I'm not comfortable with the situation. He has also admitted that she is always going to be in his life as well and that doesn't sit too well with me because how do I know that every time we are going through problems he isn't running to her or when he tells me he has to work on days he's usually off he's not chilling with her. Stuy says its all a matter of trust but if you've been lying to me all this time about this girl, how am I suppose to trust that you aren't going to lie to me now about the role she plays in your life. Then I thought about it and I realized he said he been talking to her for about 3 months now which means this so called "relationship" started in October. Now in October we was a couple. He broke up with me when I was in MIA for about 3 days for a stupid ass reason and we got back together when I came back to Brooklyn. He admitted that he had started talking to someone but she was no longer in his life because he "loved me so much". Then at the end of October/early November, he broke up with me because my male best friend came into town and I told him I was going to hang out with him and he wasn't trying to hear that. So now I question when did his relationship with this girl start? I just don't know if I can deal with all of that. I want to be in a happy relationship and I feel like there is always something keeping that from happening when it comes to Stuy. I think its time I really moved on, and leave him in my past.

I'm just furious he waited until a week before my birthday to tell me that. A week before a special day I wanted to spend with him. I kept having a gut feeling that I would be sad for my birthday and that it would be because of him, but I kept hoping I would be wrong. But I guess you should always trust that gut feeling. :-(

Does anyone feel I am overreacting? Should I just respect the fact that he told me and work things out with him or is it best I just cut my losses and find someone else? What are your thoughts on this situation??

Monday, January 4, 2010

Blessing or Curse Waiting to Come Out??

So I was recently introduced to an older man about 2 months ago @ this little bar/club place in brooklyn. We exchanged numbers and text each other every day. He's really cool but the fact that he's about 10yrs older than me prevents me from putting any feelings into this "friendship".

Now I know when you guys read the title you must think I'm referring to sexual terms but I'm talking about financial wise. This guy barely knew me and was already offering me things.

One day it was pouring rain and I went to work that day and we were talking and I was telling him I have to invest in some rain boots because my feet gets wet in some of my regular footwear. He says ook and asks if I seen any that I like and I tell him I like the burberry ones and he later says that he wants to buy them for me. I agree after a few conversations but I never got them so I just figured he was all talk. He then lets me know that he wants to get me something for christmas and so I devise a list and tell him to choose whatever he wants to give me. On that list I put a macbook, an ipod, a bag, a pair boots, and something else. He asks me out of everything what are 2 things that I want the most and I reply the macbook and ipod but its expensive. He asks me how much and I tell him 999 and he says ok thats not a prob. Now I'm thinking this man is all talk because he didn't get me the rainboots which were wayyyyy cheaper then the macbook.

Then one night he says he's gonna come give me the money and I go outside and he hands me 1300 in cash. We talk a bit and at the end of the night he tells me to go and get the laptop tomorrow. I left him still in shock that this man really gave me the money for it and so very grateful.

A week later I let him know that I will be getting my hair done and I will be putting in "personality pieces" and the good kind so that it can last for my bday and he gives me money to get it done. Now my birthday is coming up in a wk and he's offering to buy everything that I need including all 3 outfits and shoes.

Now all this is great and I'm so very thankful and I'm trying not to take advantage because I look at this as God helping me out because I did depend on my father my whole life and now that he's gone I'm having problems with so many things (I'll leave that for a later blog). Here's the problem: I think he likes.....or should I say LOVES..me a lil too much. Yes bloggers, this man told me he loves me and he barely knows me and the most he's ever gotten from me is a hug. This kind of scares me but he lets me know that although he wouldn't mind if this was a sexual relationship as well, he's fine with us being just friends. He feels I am a genuine person and it hurt him when I told him about my father and he hates to hear that I'm sad or stressed. Now all I'm wondering is whether this is a gift or a curse that will later show itself.

By the way...he has a gf that lives with him and their 10yr old daughter. But remember there is nothing sexual btwn us.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Happy New Year!!!!

First and foremost let me say happy new year to all my followers and readers. I hope everyone had a nice time bringing in 2010.

My night turned out pretty well. Went to work that day and then brought in the new year with one of my bffs Ash n my close friend britt n her fam. Made sure we aint well and then headed to another friend's house for some drinks. We then went to this place downtown brooklyn called Dumbo Loft.

Now I'm thinking this is going to look like some lounge, not taking into consideration that in the name it clearly says "loft" lol. We get inside and I'm disappointed. First of all the place was just one big gigantic room with nothing but empty space. Then to top it off, we got there around 2am and the place was pretty much empty so I automatically figured the night was gonna be a drag. But slowly people started coming and then it got pretty crowded. Then to make the night even better, a friend came and purchased about 9 bottles of champagne so we were feeling nice and the dj was doing his thing on the spinners.

Then for a brief moment, I got upset. I received a call from Stuy but because of the music I told him to just text me. He says to me he wants me to come over and I reply when and the idiot says ASAP. So I remind him that I am at a party and that cannot happen. He then tells me that I am fronting on my man and that I'm stupid and he's gonna go do him. I knew he was drunk because of the way he was texting but I didn't really care. I was about to respond with a harsh message but ash took my phone and just told him to enjoy his night and I'm going to enjoy my party.

I quickly forgot about the incident and went back to enjoying my time at the party. At the end of the night we were taking pictures and then decided it was time to go. There was a girl in the corner that was super drunk and hunched over in deep slumber and ash decided to mock her. Well you know they say God dont like ugly, so he decided to punish her. She slipped on the slippery fall and did like a triple axle on the floor and landed on the floor on her face. We all just turned our head like omg!!!! Then krys yelled out help her and just when I was about to, I seen these guys run over and help her up. It might've been the funniest thing in the world and if she wasn't so drunk, I know her ass would've been soooooo embarrassed. But then we realized that she cut her hand deeply and was bleeding.

Other than that lil funny mishap, we enjoyed ourselves and brought in the new year right. I love my girls and my fam and hope that this year will bring nothing but happiness in my life. 2009 was a good year for me due to my graduation from college but it ended badly with the death of my father. I look forward to the new memories I will be making this year and I hope everything works out in my favor.