The Ex pt 2

I don't know how to feel about Stuy trying to come back into my life after us not speaking for a year. I mean are you for real right now. You just so happened to be thinking about me at 5am one morning after not thinking or speaking to me for so long. WTF!!!!

Like an idiot, I have been speaking to him since that day though. I don't know what the reason is, but I find myself drawn to him like I was in the past. We've spoken about a lot including our relationship, why we broke up, and what's going on in our lives now. He says I should've done more to keep us together. If I had cared about the relationship I would've kept calling until I was forgiven for allowing the guy to kiss on my neck. We talked and talked and I guess we pretty much got over it.

Now lets speed up a bit. This man has the nerve to say that I still belong to him. WHAT!!! Ok let me back track and walk yall through this part of the conversation.

Stuy: soo u coming 2 check me nxt time u in da city?
Me: umm idk. I mean we can probably link somewhere n catch up
Stuy: hmm. Idk how 2 feel about that
Me: wat u mean? whats the prob
Stuy: im not saying theres a prob. just feel like ur actin brand new
Me: how?
Me: we've been talkin normal this whole time
Stuy: yea but wen i asked u 2 check me u gave me a funny style response
Me: im not bein funny wit it. i was kind of caught off guard n im like i dont think it b rite 2 come 2 ur crib...cuz thats how i took "come check u"
Stuy: why dont u think it b right to come to my crib?
Me: idk. i figure itll b easier 2 talk in a public area face to face. y r u against us meeting somewhere to talk?
Stuy: im not against us meeting n a public place. it jus thru me 4 a loop cuz u neva had a prob coming to the crib b4.
Stuy: That's something that was never an issue

Let's fast forward this convo

Stuy: u got a bf??
Me: no
Me: just talkin
Stuy: wat happened to him?
Stuy: hmm, how serious r yall??
Me: what happened to who
Stuy: whoeva u talkin 2
Me: he around
Stuy: how long yall been talkin??
Me: one since the summer...the other 2 not too long
Stuy: woooowww
Stuy: how many of em r u fuckn & suckn???
Me: I've had sex once wit da guy from the summer...thats bout it
Stuy: hmm yea ok
Me: im dead ass. that was like last month n b4 that I hadnt had sex in 9 months
FAST FORWARD
Stuy: im dissapointed in ur answer
Me: y
Stuy: im da only dick that should b in u
Me: so i was suppose to practice abstinence wen we broke up?
Stuy: yup pretty much. If u aint fuckn or suckn me, ya legs n lips should remin closed
Stuy: u belong to "Stuy"
Me: nahh im not property
Stuy: naw u mine. all mine
Stuy: idc how long its been since weve spoken, youll always b mine

First off yes people he's that rude with that whole fuckn n suckn nonsense. but can u believe this guy. Like did he really think I was going to sit around waiting on him?? I think the worst part is the fact that I like when he says things like that. I like the fact that he still cares and/or likes me.

I know I'm crazy but since that day we speak pretty much everyday. I dont know if I want us to be an item again, but I doubt it. But once again I'm drawn to the attention he gives. Now the question is will I go see him when I go home in a couple weeks???

Scared/Happy/Excited...

Yesterday it dawned on me that I will be graduating from COLLEGE in about a month.!!!! Now of course I'm excited because I'm getting my degree, but I am also scared as hell.

Most may ask what am I so scared about: THE REAL WORLD!!! I mean I have been in school all of my life and I am about to be finished and I have to get a full time job and start paying bills and loans and such. I think what scares me the most is the fact that I don't really have any definite plans after graduation. I mean I want to get a job, get a place, get a car; basically all the norms that everyone wants. But its easier said then done.

I sometimes feel like a failure when I speak to my schoolmates and they tell me they got the job that WE interviewed for, while I didn't. I mean I don't have anything real lined up for when I graduate. I am still interviewing but I'm scared that I won't find something before leaving this institution.

Besides the whole job thing, my living arrangements has me feeling some type of way as well. I mean if I am moving back to NY, I can always go live with one of my sisters (cause living with my mother or father is not an option in my book lol), but in all honesty I DON'T WANT TO!!!! One of my sisters has a baby and she lives in a studio apartment. That's good and all for her and the baby, but where do I fit in. Sleeping on the same bed as her, living out of my suitcase, never having any privacy. I DO NOT...I repeat I DO NOT want to be living like that. Then there's the other sister who has a better living arrangement, but in the end there would still be no privacy and I may still have to live out of my suitcase. It's like no matter where I go in NY I will be living out of my suitcase feeling like a VISITOR and who really wants to feel like that. The only solution is to get my own place but we all know how expensive it is to live on your own in NY and I know for a fact I'm not ready for that yet (unless my parents are paying, then I'm all for it lol).

But if I were to move to another state for a job, then I would be getting my own apartment because I'd be on my own. The only thing with that is it would most likely be cheaper then a NY apartment. However I WANT TO COME BACK TO NY. I'm tired of being away from home and missing out on events and sh*t. Even if eventually I do have to leave, I'll be ready (hopefully). ughhh this is just too much.

But first thing first, I need to secure a job ASAP!!! That's my main concern. I'm actually willing to move to another state because I don't want to make the same mistake I made earlier this year by letting a job slip right out of my hands. Pray for me!!!!