Tuesday, March 24, 2009

What If I Went to School in NYC

Everyday I wonder to myself what if I had stayed in NYC for school....how different would my life be? Would I have made different decisions regarding my major, my friends, my relationship status and so forth. Idk

I love the friends I have met between the 2 colleges I have gone to. I love my Dani Gurl, Nellz, Vee, Tia, Henz, Webby, JO, Jevin, Dee, Chris etc. They made my life in Coby so much better and enjoyable. Then I think of my friends in Clark...I love Shan, Phil, TT, Akela, etc because they helped this down south transition become successful. But what if I had decided to go to a CUNY school or a school in LI or anywhere close to home? Who would my friends be...other than the ones who were there b4 I started college?

My main issue is on my relationship status. Would I have a boyfriend? I can honestly say I have never been in a serious relationship for different reasons. In hs I was so focused on this one guy for all 4yrs that I wasnt able to go out there and meet new pple...new men and that is something I will regret forever because he was a total waste of time. Smh at me not realizing that much earlier.

But now I sit and think about these past 4yrs in college and I was never in a "serious" relationship. I just did the whole "I talk to him" thing and left it at that. Don't get it twisted, I wanted a relationship but different factors kept that from happening. The main one was the fact that I was away at school. Although Coby was still in NY, it was a 4hr drive from Brooklyn which made it long distance to me. I didn't want to talk to anyone seriously back home because I didn't want to do the long distance relationship where I couldn't see them whenever I wanted to and also have them questioning what I was doing on campus. I started talking to a guy that I met thru my best friend and I really liked him but I kept him at a distance. When he told me he wanted me to be his girl, I shut him down. One reason was because of the distance and the other was because I was also talking to someone on campus whom I had very deep feelings for. That didn't last either because he graduated and went even further away for school to actually have a relationship with me.

Now I'm in ATL and find myself with a similar scenario. I want a bf but I will not do the long distance thing, especially with me being so far. I mean to get home I have to fly and the same if he wanted to come see me. I know if you want something to work you have to be willing to do those things but I have so many concerns regarding that. Like what happens when he is in need of some sex and I am millions of miles away, is he going to go to someone else to get his needs taken care of? Will I be able to trust him? I just didn't want to have to go thru all these emotions and uncertainties so I just stayed to myself.

But I do talk to people and I just make it my duty to see them when I come back home to visit.

Lets introduce the main guy I'm talking to Harlem, whom I really like. I do actually want us to be more than just "talking" but he doesn't want this because he doesn't feel he has the time for a relationship. I do respect this because he is very focused on his school work as well as his full time job, but like I said b4 I really do like this guy. If I had stayed home, would we have been a couple? That's something I will never know but I really wish the answer would be yes. I've been talking to Harlem for quite sometime now and nothing major has really happened but he's done things that has caused me to question how he actually feels about me, which has also casted him out in the eyes of my sis Ash. I will get into detail later about our encounters and what's making me hold on to him.

I guess I will never be able to answer my what if questions but they will always be wandering in the back of my mind. Would I be in a happy committed relationship? Would I have met the goals I'm aiming for now at a quicker pace? So much thoughts with no answers. All I can think about is what I would've done differently if I had stayed home to make me "happy".

1 comment:

  1. Time reveals all che, Let time decide your fate