Scared/Happy/Excited...

Yesterday it dawned on me that I will be graduating from COLLEGE in about a month.!!!! Now of course I'm excited because I'm getting my degree, but I am also scared as hell.

Most may ask what am I so scared about: THE REAL WORLD!!! I mean I have been in school all of my life and I am about to be finished and I have to get a full time job and start paying bills and loans and such. I think what scares me the most is the fact that I don't really have any definite plans after graduation. I mean I want to get a job, get a place, get a car; basically all the norms that everyone wants. But its easier said then done.

I sometimes feel like a failure when I speak to my schoolmates and they tell me they got the job that WE interviewed for, while I didn't. I mean I don't have anything real lined up for when I graduate. I am still interviewing but I'm scared that I won't find something before leaving this institution.

Besides the whole job thing, my living arrangements has me feeling some type of way as well. I mean if I am moving back to NY, I can always go live with one of my sisters (cause living with my mother or father is not an option in my book lol), but in all honesty I DON'T WANT TO!!!! One of my sisters has a baby and she lives in a studio apartment. That's good and all for her and the baby, but where do I fit in. Sleeping on the same bed as her, living out of my suitcase, never having any privacy. I DO NOT...I repeat I DO NOT want to be living like that. Then there's the other sister who has a better living arrangement, but in the end there would still be no privacy and I may still have to live out of my suitcase. It's like no matter where I go in NY I will be living out of my suitcase feeling like a VISITOR and who really wants to feel like that. The only solution is to get my own place but we all know how expensive it is to live on your own in NY and I know for a fact I'm not ready for that yet (unless my parents are paying, then I'm all for it lol).

But if I were to move to another state for a job, then I would be getting my own apartment because I'd be on my own. The only thing with that is it would most likely be cheaper then a NY apartment. However I WANT TO COME BACK TO NY. I'm tired of being away from home and missing out on events and sh*t. Even if eventually I do have to leave, I'll be ready (hopefully). ughhh this is just too much.

But first thing first, I need to secure a job ASAP!!! That's my main concern. I'm actually willing to move to another state because I don't want to make the same mistake I made earlier this year by letting a job slip right out of my hands. Pray for me!!!!

Wrong Decision??

So everyday I think about future with this major I chose. I'm a finance major because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MATH!!!!! Most would call me a geek...but I'm use to it lol. Anyway I tend to find great difficulty in my finance courses and I tend to wonder if this major just isn't for me or if I'm just not giving it my all. I try and study, which isn't something I'm good at because I get bored very quickly and the material is very very boring. The only thing I really like about this major is doing the calculations.

So this is my senior year and I have to land a job before leaving this school. Well I don't HAVE to but it would be more beneficial to me if I did. I don't want to graduate and then be stuck working retail for the rest of my life.

I must have been on over a dozen interviews this year but I haven't gotten an offer yet. I'm even willing to do internships because I know the economy is bad and I don't have any experience in the finance field. My very 1st interview this year went real well and I was offered a second interview, but like an idiot I turned it down because I felt I wasn't ready. The man told me I had to come to his office and take a test, then if I passed the test I would be flown to Florida for a 3-day interview, which consisted of a luncheon with all the executives of the company as well as all the other candidates for the position. The 2nd day all the candidates would be interviewed, and the 3rd day we would have to take a test. Then the executives would meet to discuss each candidate and express whether they feel the individual was right for the job.

This long process was like a complete turnoff to me. I was just like why the hell do we have to go thru this long *ss process. I think I was more scared tho because I was just beginning to take finance courses and I didn't feel I was qualified and I would be wasting my time. Then the location of the position just completed my decision. I was told I wouldn't know where I would be working unil I was offered the job. I could be relocated to any of the 50 states. Like wat???? Can you honestly see me living in Utah, Kentucky, Missouri??? I think not!!!!

With all that being said, I turned down the opportunity and I regretted it ever since. What if that would've been my time to shine? What if it could've been the beginning to a great future and a wonderful experience? Now I'm back to square one just interviewing and hoping to get call backs..ughh

Do you think I made a bad decision? Should I have just seized the moment and went thru with this process?