"Your father's coming home tomorrow so make sure that this house is clean. We don't need him coming home to a mess after being gone for about 2months." says mother
We all decided on what we would clean in the house to make everything spotless for daddy when he arrives. We did the laundry, cleaned both bathrooms, cleaned all 3 rooms, swept and vacuumed the hallway and stairs. We polished the wood and mopped the floors and cleaned all the dishes and made the bed and had everything ready for his arrival. We were all excited and couldn't wait to see that man walk through those doors, back into our happy home.
I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face and said I would wake up bright and early and shower and be sitting at the door when he walked in. But unfortunately, I overslept.
Next thing I know I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I wiped my eyes and sat up in bed. My bedroom door slowly opened and in walked the most important man in the whole wide world!!!! I screamed, "DADDY!!!!!!" and jumped out of bed and ran to him and gave him the tightest hug.
"Shay let him go. You're hurting him. Let him get to his bed to rest" said mommy.
I let him go and walked him to my room with a big smile on my face. I was happy for the first time in months. My daddy was home and everything was going to be okay. The cancer was gone and all his problems were no more. I couldnt have asked for anything more.
I opened my eyes and realized where I was and looked towards the door waiting for it to open. But it never did. I then realized I wasn't living in my big house anymore and my dad wasn't going to walk in through that door. I was all alone and the happiness I felt in that dream wasn't going to happen. I cried. I cried the same way I cried on September 13 when I got the text message saying that daddy was gone. I cried my eyes out and felt the pain all over again. I just wanted him to come back in my life but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I cried until I went back to sleep...went back to darkness.
Will this pain ever go away??
Will I ever be happy again??
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Birthday Fiasco
So Stuy's birthday passed recently (more like last month lol) and as the female in his life I was suppose to do something with him so I suggested dinner. Then he responds that if we're only doing dinner then we should just do dinner with his family. Whoaaa buddy lol. I told him I had to get back at him with that one...I mean seriously was I ready to meet the fam?? Eventually I agreed and said ok we can all do dinner and I asked what restaurant were we going to. At first he was like he doesn't know. The day before his birthday he tells me that his mom is going to cook and we will be having dinner at his parents house. Inside I'm freaking out like what did I just get myself into lol.
The day of his bday I put on this nice long black n white dress (my short dresses would've been inappropriate i think lol) and I head over to his grandmother's house to go see him. He greets me at the door and tells me how beautiful I look (I was very hype...its nice to get compliments lol). We hang out and go get some food. I try and pay for his food and he kept refusing and putting my money away, which was nice but I really wanted to pay. Back at his house we end up doing us (if you know what I mean lol) and then we just lay in the bed in the nude and talk. Then the inevitable happens....his grandmother comes home and just opens his door. I freaked!!!! His body was sort of covering my lower body so it was really just my chest exposed so I just put my arm over my chest and cover my eyes and keep repeating "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" and he screams out "grandma, you don't knock" and she is in shock and just closes the door.
Now I'm like okay well now I'm definitely not going to dinner. Like I just experienced a very embarrassing moment and then for me to go and sit at the dinner table like nothing happened...hell no. For all I know this lady will just keep thinking "look at this little whore". He suggested I come to his parent's house and if I do feel uncomfy I can leave and he'll tell everyone that something came up so I agreed.
That walk to his parents' house was like walking to my doom, I was beyond nervous. When we get there, he introduces me to everyone and his sister asks why we took so long and this dummy gonna say its shay's fault...I wanted to die. His grandmother was sitting right there and I know she automatically thought about what she had walked into.
But all in all the night went well and his family was pretty cool and it seemed like they shared everything with eachother which was nice. After that night he asked me how would I feel about us becoming official and I said that would be nice so guys....I now have a boyfriend lol.
The day of his bday I put on this nice long black n white dress (my short dresses would've been inappropriate i think lol) and I head over to his grandmother's house to go see him. He greets me at the door and tells me how beautiful I look (I was very hype...its nice to get compliments lol). We hang out and go get some food. I try and pay for his food and he kept refusing and putting my money away, which was nice but I really wanted to pay. Back at his house we end up doing us (if you know what I mean lol) and then we just lay in the bed in the nude and talk. Then the inevitable happens....his grandmother comes home and just opens his door. I freaked!!!! His body was sort of covering my lower body so it was really just my chest exposed so I just put my arm over my chest and cover my eyes and keep repeating "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" and he screams out "grandma, you don't knock" and she is in shock and just closes the door.
Now I'm like okay well now I'm definitely not going to dinner. Like I just experienced a very embarrassing moment and then for me to go and sit at the dinner table like nothing happened...hell no. For all I know this lady will just keep thinking "look at this little whore". He suggested I come to his parent's house and if I do feel uncomfy I can leave and he'll tell everyone that something came up so I agreed.
That walk to his parents' house was like walking to my doom, I was beyond nervous. When we get there, he introduces me to everyone and his sister asks why we took so long and this dummy gonna say its shay's fault...I wanted to die. His grandmother was sitting right there and I know she automatically thought about what she had walked into.
But all in all the night went well and his family was pretty cool and it seemed like they shared everything with eachother which was nice. After that night he asked me how would I feel about us becoming official and I said that would be nice so guys....I now have a boyfriend lol.
Family Feud
Now there's always been drama in my family because my father's side of the family doesn't get along with my mother's side...and that's being nice. I should say my father's side HATES my mother's side. But you would think that these grown adults would put their differences aside at this time and just get through with the planning of my father's funeral arrangements....but nooooo.
Now to top things off, there's threats being made and my mother and some of her family and friends dont think she should go to the funeral or the wake. Now everytime they ask me my opinion on this matter, I say that I think that she should go. I don't care how many times they threaten or talk about my mother, I feel like they would talk about her even more if she didn't show up to her own husband's services. But in the end the decision is up to her and she's going to do what she wants to do.
I just feel like this isn't a time to be worried about drama and everything. I think this is a time to be focused on my father and my father alone and everyone that is dealing with all this other nonsense just doesn't matter to me. I'm so over everyone. Tomorrow is the wake and Saturday is the funeral and burial so we will see if everything is going to go as smoothly as I would like. I will keep yall posted.
Now to top things off, there's threats being made and my mother and some of her family and friends dont think she should go to the funeral or the wake. Now everytime they ask me my opinion on this matter, I say that I think that she should go. I don't care how many times they threaten or talk about my mother, I feel like they would talk about her even more if she didn't show up to her own husband's services. But in the end the decision is up to her and she's going to do what she wants to do.
I just feel like this isn't a time to be worried about drama and everything. I think this is a time to be focused on my father and my father alone and everyone that is dealing with all this other nonsense just doesn't matter to me. I'm so over everyone. Tomorrow is the wake and Saturday is the funeral and burial so we will see if everything is going to go as smoothly as I would like. I will keep yall posted.
Monday, September 14, 2009
He's Really Gone!!! R.I.P. Daddy
I really can't believe he's gone....
So yesterday started off normal for me, but it ended in the worst way possible. I was at work just doing my normal routines and then my sister calls me but since I was on the floor I couldn't pick up the phone so I texted her and asked her what happen. I was about to get off in like 10-15min so when she texted me, I didn't look at my phone right away. I go and clock out of work and then I look at my phone and the message read "Dad pass away in the hospital". When I say my heart literally stopped, I mean it. I was shocked so I called her to see if I read it correctly and my brother picked up. So I'm like what did Jess just texted me and he's like just come home...come home now. And that's how I knew it was the truth. I automatically called Ash to tell her and thats when the tears started flowing. I was like "Ash my father died today" and she was like where are you and I let her know I was leaving my job headed home and she said she would meet me there.
On the trainI was listening to my RnB playlist and I just had my hands over my eyes to keep the tears from falling. When I finally got service people were asking me if everything was ok on twitter and right when krys hit me up the worst song came on...."Dance with my father" by Beyonce. The tears just began streaming down my face and I knew everyone was looking at me on the train but I just knew I needed to get home.
When I got in front of my house I saw that there were a bunch of people at my house and the tears began again but I got it together to walk into the house. I was only able to say hi to one of the guests and my oldest sis and I broke down and started crying and ran up the stairs to my mom's room. My mom and sis came up to console me but I just had to get out the house. I was getting texts and bbms and phone calls from people and I just couldn't believe this was happening.
Ash came to the house andwas just holding me and I was just crying on her shoulders. We all knew this day would come but not this soon. Steph came later and we talked and everything. I was really happy that so much people reached out to me but in the end the pain is crazy. I had a real special relationship with my dad and it makes me miss him more and more each day.
Now we have to plan the funeral and go through this family drama and I dont know how I will make it. I just wish things would go back to normal when my parents were together and everyone was happy.
I love you daddy and I will miss you. You will always be in my heart and I knowyou are in a better place now watching over me. May you rest in peace!!!!
So yesterday started off normal for me, but it ended in the worst way possible. I was at work just doing my normal routines and then my sister calls me but since I was on the floor I couldn't pick up the phone so I texted her and asked her what happen. I was about to get off in like 10-15min so when she texted me, I didn't look at my phone right away. I go and clock out of work and then I look at my phone and the message read "Dad pass away in the hospital". When I say my heart literally stopped, I mean it. I was shocked so I called her to see if I read it correctly and my brother picked up. So I'm like what did Jess just texted me and he's like just come home...come home now. And that's how I knew it was the truth. I automatically called Ash to tell her and thats when the tears started flowing. I was like "Ash my father died today" and she was like where are you and I let her know I was leaving my job headed home and she said she would meet me there.
On the trainI was listening to my RnB playlist and I just had my hands over my eyes to keep the tears from falling. When I finally got service people were asking me if everything was ok on twitter and right when krys hit me up the worst song came on...."Dance with my father" by Beyonce. The tears just began streaming down my face and I knew everyone was looking at me on the train but I just knew I needed to get home.
When I got in front of my house I saw that there were a bunch of people at my house and the tears began again but I got it together to walk into the house. I was only able to say hi to one of the guests and my oldest sis and I broke down and started crying and ran up the stairs to my mom's room. My mom and sis came up to console me but I just had to get out the house. I was getting texts and bbms and phone calls from people and I just couldn't believe this was happening.
Ash came to the house andwas just holding me and I was just crying on her shoulders. We all knew this day would come but not this soon. Steph came later and we talked and everything. I was really happy that so much people reached out to me but in the end the pain is crazy. I had a real special relationship with my dad and it makes me miss him more and more each day.
Now we have to plan the funeral and go through this family drama and I dont know how I will make it. I just wish things would go back to normal when my parents were together and everyone was happy.
I love you daddy and I will miss you. You will always be in my heart and I knowyou are in a better place now watching over me. May you rest in peace!!!!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Just So Much
So much has been happening in my life and I just haven't had the time to blog about em. From now on I'm going to try the whole blogging from my phone thing to stay up on it. I will bring yall up to speed with the shananagans going on with this blasted family of mine and my life in general so stay tuned people. Shay needs to vent lol
Thursday, August 13, 2009
We are Not Family Anymore
I can't stand my father's sisters....they irk me sooooo much. As we all know my dad is in the hospital and the other day my mother went to visit him...even though he told her not to. I guess he told his sister and she decided to make my father a private patient, without telling us. By doing this, only 8 people can be put on the list to visit my dad. Here's the ridiculous part...this heffa had the nerve to put my name as well as my brother's name but leaves out my other2 sisters. UUUMMM EXCUZe me woman, are you serious right now??? So I go visit my dad n he asks for my sister but I didn't want to tell him what was going on. Then my brother n sister call me and say they're on their way. My bro gets there first then my sis calls and tells us to come downstairs cause they weren't letting her up.
So we go downstairs and the security guy tells us where to go to speak to the administration of the hospital. So of course my sis is beyond upset and we're trying to explain the situation to the people and they tell us that she would have to go speak to our father because only he can reverse this whole thing. So we head upstairs and my father's sis is still there and the lady says she has to leave, and my bro told her he was upset that her sis had the nerve to not put all my dad's kids on the list. So in the end we get my dad to reverse the whole thing and put himself back as a public patient.
Then my bro goes to the "aunt" n tells her she can come back in and she's like no she won't come in there as long as we are in there. UUM seriously??? WEll if thats the case, enjoy the hallway. Of course my dad is upset about this but I was like all this is your fault. You are the person with the most power and you choose not to use it. Now the family is broken and cannot be fixed because we don't like your sisters.
So now sh** is definitely bad but I knew this was going to happen. It is what it is and if they feel they can't be around us, then so be it. We never have to speak again for all I care. I HATE FAKE PEOPLE!!!!
So we go downstairs and the security guy tells us where to go to speak to the administration of the hospital. So of course my sis is beyond upset and we're trying to explain the situation to the people and they tell us that she would have to go speak to our father because only he can reverse this whole thing. So we head upstairs and my father's sis is still there and the lady says she has to leave, and my bro told her he was upset that her sis had the nerve to not put all my dad's kids on the list. So in the end we get my dad to reverse the whole thing and put himself back as a public patient.
Then my bro goes to the "aunt" n tells her she can come back in and she's like no she won't come in there as long as we are in there. UUM seriously??? WEll if thats the case, enjoy the hallway. Of course my dad is upset about this but I was like all this is your fault. You are the person with the most power and you choose not to use it. Now the family is broken and cannot be fixed because we don't like your sisters.
So now sh** is definitely bad but I knew this was going to happen. It is what it is and if they feel they can't be around us, then so be it. We never have to speak again for all I care. I HATE FAKE PEOPLE!!!!
The Heart n Mind
I'm in a dilemma....I don't know if I want to be with Stuy or not :(
Let me start from the beginning...
On Sunday we met up after work to go to the movies and everything was good. We was having light convo and enjoyed the movie. After the movie, we were walking to the train station and he came to the topic of what he wants in a female. He's like how he wants a girl who will be there for him, someone who will bail him outta jail if need be. Now this whole time we were joking around so when he said that I'm like ok well goodluck with that cause I don't have no bail money and we started laughing. Then I said well if I had it I probably would bail you out, I'd be there for you. Then it turned serious and he's like he wants this n that and I was just like ok. Well that wasn't the answer he was looking for and he got real upset with me and stopped talking to me. The whole train ride was silent. We reach his stop and he didn't get off so that he can take me to mine. We get off the train at my stop and he doesn't even walk me all the way up to where my 2nd train was coming. So I stand there with him, mind you he says nothing to me the whole time. About 5-10min later, he just walks away and goes back down the stairs to his train. He said absolutely nothing to, just walked away. So I went up to my train.
That night he doesn't hit me up to see if I got home safe or nothing. WE didn't speak for the next 2 days n then last night I tell him that since he walked away from me and I haven't heard from him since it means we're over so enjoy your birthday on monday and have a blessed life. Of course that leads us into talking about our problem and now the question is do we work this out or let it go.
I honestly don't know what I want to do. I feel like my mind is telling me to do one thing and my heart is telling me to do another. The way I look at it is the heart thinks emotionally which can cause problems, whereas the mind thinks logically which can be both good and bad. My heart tells me to work it out with him because I do care for him and I would miss him a whole lot if we stopped talking, but my mind says let it go because there are just too many problems and I don't think I see "us" in the long run. I just don't know what to do...
Let me start from the beginning...
On Sunday we met up after work to go to the movies and everything was good. We was having light convo and enjoyed the movie. After the movie, we were walking to the train station and he came to the topic of what he wants in a female. He's like how he wants a girl who will be there for him, someone who will bail him outta jail if need be. Now this whole time we were joking around so when he said that I'm like ok well goodluck with that cause I don't have no bail money and we started laughing. Then I said well if I had it I probably would bail you out, I'd be there for you. Then it turned serious and he's like he wants this n that and I was just like ok. Well that wasn't the answer he was looking for and he got real upset with me and stopped talking to me. The whole train ride was silent. We reach his stop and he didn't get off so that he can take me to mine. We get off the train at my stop and he doesn't even walk me all the way up to where my 2nd train was coming. So I stand there with him, mind you he says nothing to me the whole time. About 5-10min later, he just walks away and goes back down the stairs to his train. He said absolutely nothing to, just walked away. So I went up to my train.
That night he doesn't hit me up to see if I got home safe or nothing. WE didn't speak for the next 2 days n then last night I tell him that since he walked away from me and I haven't heard from him since it means we're over so enjoy your birthday on monday and have a blessed life. Of course that leads us into talking about our problem and now the question is do we work this out or let it go.
I honestly don't know what I want to do. I feel like my mind is telling me to do one thing and my heart is telling me to do another. The way I look at it is the heart thinks emotionally which can cause problems, whereas the mind thinks logically which can be both good and bad. My heart tells me to work it out with him because I do care for him and I would miss him a whole lot if we stopped talking, but my mind says let it go because there are just too many problems and I don't think I see "us" in the long run. I just don't know what to do...
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