I went to visit daddy today. I never looked at that man and felt so crushed before in my life.
First off we get to the hospital and my mom waits in the hall because she hasn't spoken to my dad since they seperated. I walk into the room and my brother is already in there and he's talking to the doctor about the procedure my dad just went through for his dialysis. After he leaves my dad asks where my mom is and I'm like she's in the hallway...she doesn't know if she should come in or not. So he goes tell her to come...go get her. Now I was shocked because my dad has always made it his duty to avoid seeing or being around my mom. So I bring her into the room and he says hi and she gives him a kiss on the cheek. Then we all start talking and he tells us about what they did to him and all that.
Now I feel myself tearing up and I'm trying to fight it so that it won't come down. I succeed the first couple of times but it became too unbearable. No matter how much I tried to look up to get it to go back down, it wouldn't and came down. My brother seen it and I tried to quickly wipe it away because I really didn't want my dad to see me cry but it was too late. So I turned around and tried to wipe my tears away and my dad is like Shay why you crying, I'm fine. My brother says she not crying she just has allergies lol. Of course my dad is like hey do I look stupid to you.
I felt kind of bad though because we are suppose to be strong for him and we're not suppose to cry in front of him and I wasn't able to do that. I am always the strong one and I let a moment of weakness slip out. I know sometimes you just can't help it but I should've fought harder. I just couldn't bear the sight. He looked so small and frail and like he wasn't in control anymore and idk...
After a while my brother took me out in the hall for us to talk and he's like you should've never cried in front of him and I'm like I know but it's not like I planned it. I kind of vented to my brother too. I told him we aren't suppose to see daddy like this. He's suppose to be the strong one, the funny one, the one who acts like a big kid with us. But instead he's layed up in the hospital trying to get better, not really knowing if he will.
My dad keeps putting up this big front as if everything is okay but I know he's dying inside. I know he doesn't want us to see him this way and it hurts me so much. I try not to think about it because everytime I do I cry and I don't want to.
When we were leaving, I could tell in his eyes he didn't want us to go. He didn't want us to leave him in the hospital by himself. I could tell he wants to just come home...but he can't. I wish this pain coul just go away and things could go back to the way they were..but will it????