Can it get any worse??

The other day my mom called me crying saying how my dad fell and now he's dying. Not quite the call I wanted..but I didn't quite understand. So I call my brother and he tells me that the nurse or doctor left the side bars down on the bed and my dad fell off and now has internal bleeding. WHAT??? He said he didn't know the full story but he's about to head to the hospital. Unfortunately I couldn't go because I had to go to work but my sister was going also. She left work early. So my mom calls me back and asks if I'm going to the hospital and I say no I have work and she starts cursing me out. Long story short I hung up cuz she was getting me tight. But I wasn't too mad at her because I knew the reason she was so mad was because she couldn't go see my dad for herself and it was hurting her.

So that night I get home but my sis was already asleep so I didn't know what the doctor said. The next morning as soon as we wake up my sister is like take a seat cuz I have something to tell you. Now my heart is pounding like hell because I knew it was about daddy dearest. Then she goes on to tell me the news.

"Dad has a bloodclot in his lungs and his abdomen is bleeding. He had a stroke on the left side of his brain and he's lucky to not be paralyzed on the left side of his body. He also has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, which has already spread thoughout his whole body. They said they are going to go through with surgery to stop the bleeding in his abdomen because if it leaks to his head he will become a vegetable. As for the cancer, there is nothing they can do because it is too late. He has less than 6 months to live and he will be lucky if he makes it to thanksgiving. Therefore, they will release him in a couple of weeks so that he can spend his time in the comfort of his home and with family."

My heart must've dropped 5 notches with every blow and tears were just streaming down my face. How could this have happened? What do they mean they can't do anything for him? IT just wasn't making any sense to me. All I kept thinking was I can't lose my daddy, he has to be around for a lot more years. He has to be there to walk me down the aisle, to see my children.

Yesterday he told my sister he feels like giving up. He's just so tired. I went to see him and he was talking to me like normal but I don't expect him to tell me anything like that because I'm a softy and in the end I'm the closest to him. I know I don't want to see him suffer but I can't bare to lose him either. I just need God to hear me out on this and help my dad through this.

Hospital Visit

I went to visit daddy today. I never looked at that man and felt so crushed before in my life.

First off we get to the hospital and my mom waits in the hall because she hasn't spoken to my dad since they seperated. I walk into the room and my brother is already in there and he's talking to the doctor about the procedure my dad just went through for his dialysis. After he leaves my dad asks where my mom is and I'm like she's in the hallway...she doesn't know if she should come in or not. So he goes tell her to come...go get her. Now I was shocked because my dad has always made it his duty to avoid seeing or being around my mom. So I bring her into the room and he says hi and she gives him a kiss on the cheek. Then we all start talking and he tells us about what they did to him and all that.

Now I feel myself tearing up and I'm trying to fight it so that it won't come down. I succeed the first couple of times but it became too unbearable. No matter how much I tried to look up to get it to go back down, it wouldn't and came down. My brother seen it and I tried to quickly wipe it away because I really didn't want my dad to see me cry but it was too late. So I turned around and tried to wipe my tears away and my dad is like Shay why you crying, I'm fine. My brother says she not crying she just has allergies lol. Of course my dad is like hey do I look stupid to you.

I felt kind of bad though because we are suppose to be strong for him and we're not suppose to cry in front of him and I wasn't able to do that. I am always the strong one and I let a moment of weakness slip out. I know sometimes you just can't help it but I should've fought harder. I just couldn't bear the sight. He looked so small and frail and like he wasn't in control anymore and idk...

After a while my brother took me out in the hall for us to talk and he's like you should've never cried in front of him and I'm like I know but it's not like I planned it. I kind of vented to my brother too. I told him we aren't suppose to see daddy like this. He's suppose to be the strong one, the funny one, the one who acts like a big kid with us. But instead he's layed up in the hospital trying to get better, not really knowing if he will.

My dad keeps putting up this big front as if everything is okay but I know he's dying inside. I know he doesn't want us to see him this way and it hurts me so much. I try not to think about it because everytime I do I cry and I don't want to.

When we were leaving, I could tell in his eyes he didn't want us to go. He didn't want us to leave him in the hospital by himself. I could tell he wants to just come home...but he can't. I wish this pain coul just go away and things could go back to the way they were..but will it????

Daddy is in the Hospital

Last night I was chilling with Stuy and my brother im's me and tells me my dad is in the hospital. This caught me totally off guard so I call my sister and she's like yeah he is but she doesn't know anything. So I took my chances and I called him and he picked up(thank god). SoI'm like what happen and he said he wasn't feeling good and was throwing up and couldn't bring himself to go to work so my aunt took him to the emergency room. So then he said they're gonna keep him over night to run tests and such so I'm like okay...even though inside I was worried.

So this morning I call him and I'm like what's going on now and he says that they said they are most likely going to have to keep him for the rest of the week to run dialysis. I don't know what that means but it has me scared on the inside. I know people always say you should not think of the worst but I can't help it. I just don't want to get that phone call with inevitable news because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I guess I just have to pray for the best and hope my dad is alright. I am extremely close to him and the pain of losing him would be unbearable. I know he has kidney problems and he is also diabetic but I know GOD will watch over him. Keep my daddy in yall prayers please!!!