This morning on my way to the train station, my best friend's mother told me that I always look so sad and its understandable but not to worry because everything will fall into place in my life. I just smiled and said thank you and went to catch my train.
On my train ride into work, I started to think about my life and of course I teared. I mean NEVER did I think my life would be the way it is right now. I won't complain too much because there are a lot of people out there who are going through much WORSE than me, but I still can't help but feel sad. I think about losing my father way before I expected, not being in school working on my masters, not having a real steady job in finance or accounting, not being able to live at home, etc etc. They say that God doesn't put you through things if he knows that you can't overcome them, but I wonder when will I be able to overcome these boulders in my road to success and happiness.
I try to keep a smile on my face, despite how I feel on the inside because I am tired of complaining. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me and I am especially tired of feeling sorry for myself. My best friend says its totally understandable for me to be sad because I have been through a lot and even though that may be true, I hate being sad. I was always the happy one growing up and even if I came across problems in my life, I would always find a solution on my own or with the help of my dad. Now that he's gone I sometimes feel all alone. My mom is still here but everytime I speak to her I hear and feel the sadness in her voice that she can't do more for us and herself.
I have very big dreams and goals that I would like to accomplish and I just hope that things will get better very soon for me so that when I am smiling, there is nothing but happiness behind it.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Monday, March 7, 2011
Monday, November 29, 2010
Meltdown
Last night I had a complete meltdown. I think one day I am going to go completely crazy and throw a temper tantrum.
It started with watching tv in dear old mommy's room when she says she wants to take a nap before going to church. So I said okay and went into my sisters room/where I sleep/ex living room and go on my computer and watch tv with my sisters. They then leave for church leaving me with the tv and peace and quiet. Now last night there were 3 good things on tv at the same time, documentary on Nicki Minaj, Soul Train Awards, and Real Housewives of Atlanta. So I'm flipping back and forth trying to watch all three shows when everyone returns from church. When they walk in, I am watching Nicki Minaj and my older sister is saying change it because she doesn't want to watch it and all this nonsense and even though I informed her the show would be over in 15min she kept carrying on. So I said take your stupid ass remote control and I went upstairs. Then my mom wants to put in her 2 cents as if I'm not already annoyed so I bark on her. Then I cursed. Now this may not be a big thing, but I never curse in front my holy mother (unless I'm joking or reciting a story).
I finish watching my shows and then I decide to go to bed. Now everything hits me, this isn't suppose to be how my life is right now. I graduated with honors from school, yet I still don't have a permanent job. My dad told me he would be there to help me out when he got out the hospital, but he left me. This is when the tears started falling and I couldn't quite get it to stop. I blamed God for taking away the only man that seemed to love me and wanted to help me in any way possible. He promised everything was going to be okay, but instead everything got worse. My other sis tried to console me, as well as my bff but in the end no one can ever help. This pain will never go away. The fact that I'm still living at home without a room and living in bins and sharing closets isn't helping either. I just wanna know when it will be my turn to just be happy again??!!!
It started with watching tv in dear old mommy's room when she says she wants to take a nap before going to church. So I said okay and went into my sisters room/where I sleep/ex living room and go on my computer and watch tv with my sisters. They then leave for church leaving me with the tv and peace and quiet. Now last night there were 3 good things on tv at the same time, documentary on Nicki Minaj, Soul Train Awards, and Real Housewives of Atlanta. So I'm flipping back and forth trying to watch all three shows when everyone returns from church. When they walk in, I am watching Nicki Minaj and my older sister is saying change it because she doesn't want to watch it and all this nonsense and even though I informed her the show would be over in 15min she kept carrying on. So I said take your stupid ass remote control and I went upstairs. Then my mom wants to put in her 2 cents as if I'm not already annoyed so I bark on her. Then I cursed. Now this may not be a big thing, but I never curse in front my holy mother (unless I'm joking or reciting a story).
I finish watching my shows and then I decide to go to bed. Now everything hits me, this isn't suppose to be how my life is right now. I graduated with honors from school, yet I still don't have a permanent job. My dad told me he would be there to help me out when he got out the hospital, but he left me. This is when the tears started falling and I couldn't quite get it to stop. I blamed God for taking away the only man that seemed to love me and wanted to help me in any way possible. He promised everything was going to be okay, but instead everything got worse. My other sis tried to console me, as well as my bff but in the end no one can ever help. This pain will never go away. The fact that I'm still living at home without a room and living in bins and sharing closets isn't helping either. I just wanna know when it will be my turn to just be happy again??!!!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Sadness
I tend to find myself always sad nowadays and sometimes its unbearable. I think about all thats going on in my life and I wonder where did I go wrong. What am I doing (or not doing) to be happy? I don't really speak on my feelings because I don't like to look weak nor do I like sympathy from pple but there is just but so much an individual can take.
I've spoken to my 2 besties about this and they suggested that I get a notebook and write about everything that is going on in my life whether its good or bad and makes me sad or happy and to give it to someone I trust and allow them to read it. Then when they are finished, I can have someone to talk to who may truly understand what is going on with me.
I think that was a great idea but I have yet to actually do it. I always look at blogging as a way to get things off my chest but then again there are some things I rather not reveal to the world about myself.
I have always had a sadness within me that I can barely explain to pple but with the death of my father, it has gotten worse. I try to do things that will make me happy (at least I think) but in the end I find myself unsatisfied. I'm at a party and still somewhat sad. I just hope I can find a way to cope with this before it gets "uncontrollable".
I've spoken to my 2 besties about this and they suggested that I get a notebook and write about everything that is going on in my life whether its good or bad and makes me sad or happy and to give it to someone I trust and allow them to read it. Then when they are finished, I can have someone to talk to who may truly understand what is going on with me.
I think that was a great idea but I have yet to actually do it. I always look at blogging as a way to get things off my chest but then again there are some things I rather not reveal to the world about myself.
I have always had a sadness within me that I can barely explain to pple but with the death of my father, it has gotten worse. I try to do things that will make me happy (at least I think) but in the end I find myself unsatisfied. I'm at a party and still somewhat sad. I just hope I can find a way to cope with this before it gets "uncontrollable".
It Felt So Real
"Your father's coming home tomorrow so make sure that this house is clean. We don't need him coming home to a mess after being gone for about 2months." says mother
We all decided on what we would clean in the house to make everything spotless for daddy when he arrives. We did the laundry, cleaned both bathrooms, cleaned all 3 rooms, swept and vacuumed the hallway and stairs. We polished the wood and mopped the floors and cleaned all the dishes and made the bed and had everything ready for his arrival. We were all excited and couldn't wait to see that man walk through those doors, back into our happy home.
I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face and said I would wake up bright and early and shower and be sitting at the door when he walked in. But unfortunately, I overslept.
Next thing I know I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I wiped my eyes and sat up in bed. My bedroom door slowly opened and in walked the most important man in the whole wide world!!!! I screamed, "DADDY!!!!!!" and jumped out of bed and ran to him and gave him the tightest hug.
"Shay let him go. You're hurting him. Let him get to his bed to rest" said mommy.
I let him go and walked him to my room with a big smile on my face. I was happy for the first time in months. My daddy was home and everything was going to be okay. The cancer was gone and all his problems were no more. I couldnt have asked for anything more.
I opened my eyes and realized where I was and looked towards the door waiting for it to open. But it never did. I then realized I wasn't living in my big house anymore and my dad wasn't going to walk in through that door. I was all alone and the happiness I felt in that dream wasn't going to happen. I cried. I cried the same way I cried on September 13 when I got the text message saying that daddy was gone. I cried my eyes out and felt the pain all over again. I just wanted him to come back in my life but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I cried until I went back to sleep...went back to darkness.
Will this pain ever go away??
Will I ever be happy again??
We all decided on what we would clean in the house to make everything spotless for daddy when he arrives. We did the laundry, cleaned both bathrooms, cleaned all 3 rooms, swept and vacuumed the hallway and stairs. We polished the wood and mopped the floors and cleaned all the dishes and made the bed and had everything ready for his arrival. We were all excited and couldn't wait to see that man walk through those doors, back into our happy home.
I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face and said I would wake up bright and early and shower and be sitting at the door when he walked in. But unfortunately, I overslept.
Next thing I know I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I wiped my eyes and sat up in bed. My bedroom door slowly opened and in walked the most important man in the whole wide world!!!! I screamed, "DADDY!!!!!!" and jumped out of bed and ran to him and gave him the tightest hug.
"Shay let him go. You're hurting him. Let him get to his bed to rest" said mommy.
I let him go and walked him to my room with a big smile on my face. I was happy for the first time in months. My daddy was home and everything was going to be okay. The cancer was gone and all his problems were no more. I couldnt have asked for anything more.
I opened my eyes and realized where I was and looked towards the door waiting for it to open. But it never did. I then realized I wasn't living in my big house anymore and my dad wasn't going to walk in through that door. I was all alone and the happiness I felt in that dream wasn't going to happen. I cried. I cried the same way I cried on September 13 when I got the text message saying that daddy was gone. I cried my eyes out and felt the pain all over again. I just wanted him to come back in my life but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I cried until I went back to sleep...went back to darkness.
Will this pain ever go away??
Will I ever be happy again??
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Hospital Visit
I went to visit daddy today. I never looked at that man and felt so crushed before in my life.
First off we get to the hospital and my mom waits in the hall because she hasn't spoken to my dad since they seperated. I walk into the room and my brother is already in there and he's talking to the doctor about the procedure my dad just went through for his dialysis. After he leaves my dad asks where my mom is and I'm like she's in the hallway...she doesn't know if she should come in or not. So he goes tell her to come...go get her. Now I was shocked because my dad has always made it his duty to avoid seeing or being around my mom. So I bring her into the room and he says hi and she gives him a kiss on the cheek. Then we all start talking and he tells us about what they did to him and all that.
Now I feel myself tearing up and I'm trying to fight it so that it won't come down. I succeed the first couple of times but it became too unbearable. No matter how much I tried to look up to get it to go back down, it wouldn't and came down. My brother seen it and I tried to quickly wipe it away because I really didn't want my dad to see me cry but it was too late. So I turned around and tried to wipe my tears away and my dad is like Shay why you crying, I'm fine. My brother says she not crying she just has allergies lol. Of course my dad is like hey do I look stupid to you.
I felt kind of bad though because we are suppose to be strong for him and we're not suppose to cry in front of him and I wasn't able to do that. I am always the strong one and I let a moment of weakness slip out. I know sometimes you just can't help it but I should've fought harder. I just couldn't bear the sight. He looked so small and frail and like he wasn't in control anymore and idk...
After a while my brother took me out in the hall for us to talk and he's like you should've never cried in front of him and I'm like I know but it's not like I planned it. I kind of vented to my brother too. I told him we aren't suppose to see daddy like this. He's suppose to be the strong one, the funny one, the one who acts like a big kid with us. But instead he's layed up in the hospital trying to get better, not really knowing if he will.
My dad keeps putting up this big front as if everything is okay but I know he's dying inside. I know he doesn't want us to see him this way and it hurts me so much. I try not to think about it because everytime I do I cry and I don't want to.
When we were leaving, I could tell in his eyes he didn't want us to go. He didn't want us to leave him in the hospital by himself. I could tell he wants to just come home...but he can't. I wish this pain coul just go away and things could go back to the way they were..but will it????
First off we get to the hospital and my mom waits in the hall because she hasn't spoken to my dad since they seperated. I walk into the room and my brother is already in there and he's talking to the doctor about the procedure my dad just went through for his dialysis. After he leaves my dad asks where my mom is and I'm like she's in the hallway...she doesn't know if she should come in or not. So he goes tell her to come...go get her. Now I was shocked because my dad has always made it his duty to avoid seeing or being around my mom. So I bring her into the room and he says hi and she gives him a kiss on the cheek. Then we all start talking and he tells us about what they did to him and all that.
Now I feel myself tearing up and I'm trying to fight it so that it won't come down. I succeed the first couple of times but it became too unbearable. No matter how much I tried to look up to get it to go back down, it wouldn't and came down. My brother seen it and I tried to quickly wipe it away because I really didn't want my dad to see me cry but it was too late. So I turned around and tried to wipe my tears away and my dad is like Shay why you crying, I'm fine. My brother says she not crying she just has allergies lol. Of course my dad is like hey do I look stupid to you.
I felt kind of bad though because we are suppose to be strong for him and we're not suppose to cry in front of him and I wasn't able to do that. I am always the strong one and I let a moment of weakness slip out. I know sometimes you just can't help it but I should've fought harder. I just couldn't bear the sight. He looked so small and frail and like he wasn't in control anymore and idk...
After a while my brother took me out in the hall for us to talk and he's like you should've never cried in front of him and I'm like I know but it's not like I planned it. I kind of vented to my brother too. I told him we aren't suppose to see daddy like this. He's suppose to be the strong one, the funny one, the one who acts like a big kid with us. But instead he's layed up in the hospital trying to get better, not really knowing if he will.
My dad keeps putting up this big front as if everything is okay but I know he's dying inside. I know he doesn't want us to see him this way and it hurts me so much. I try not to think about it because everytime I do I cry and I don't want to.
When we were leaving, I could tell in his eyes he didn't want us to go. He didn't want us to leave him in the hospital by himself. I could tell he wants to just come home...but he can't. I wish this pain coul just go away and things could go back to the way they were..but will it????
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Daddy is in the Hospital
Last night I was chilling with Stuy and my brother im's me and tells me my dad is in the hospital. This caught me totally off guard so I call my sister and she's like yeah he is but she doesn't know anything. So I took my chances and I called him and he picked up(thank god). SoI'm like what happen and he said he wasn't feeling good and was throwing up and couldn't bring himself to go to work so my aunt took him to the emergency room. So then he said they're gonna keep him over night to run tests and such so I'm like okay...even though inside I was worried.
So this morning I call him and I'm like what's going on now and he says that they said they are most likely going to have to keep him for the rest of the week to run dialysis. I don't know what that means but it has me scared on the inside. I know people always say you should not think of the worst but I can't help it. I just don't want to get that phone call with inevitable news because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I guess I just have to pray for the best and hope my dad is alright. I am extremely close to him and the pain of losing him would be unbearable. I know he has kidney problems and he is also diabetic but I know GOD will watch over him. Keep my daddy in yall prayers please!!!
So this morning I call him and I'm like what's going on now and he says that they said they are most likely going to have to keep him for the rest of the week to run dialysis. I don't know what that means but it has me scared on the inside. I know people always say you should not think of the worst but I can't help it. I just don't want to get that phone call with inevitable news because I wouldn't know how to handle it. I guess I just have to pray for the best and hope my dad is alright. I am extremely close to him and the pain of losing him would be unbearable. I know he has kidney problems and he is also diabetic but I know GOD will watch over him. Keep my daddy in yall prayers please!!!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
No Crying on the Boatride
Last night I went on a boatride for Ash birthday. We all looked real nice and the boat was nice also. It had 3 floors and a buffet and like 3-4 bars.
I got on the boat and was taking professional pictures and then I wanted to take pics on my own camera. This couldn't happen because I forgot my camera in the car. I was pissed and sad because I always have to have pics (yea I know I'm dramatic).
We all chilling on the 3rd floor of the boat and it was cool. Music was nice and we was taking pics and dancing and stuff. So then we all sat down and I took a look around at the people I came with. Ash was with her bf, my sis was with hers, and a couple of my other homegirls were. Then this feeling just hit me and I became sad. Neqs asked me if I was ok and I'm like yea I'm fine...and then I felt my eyes water up. I decided to just look up to make them go away before anyone sees and then Ash taps me and asks if I was ok. I look at her and say yes (bad move). She saw my eyes glistening and was like n your not and then the tears fell. I tried to wipe them away but she kept asking what's wrong and I'm like I'm fine. So she tells her bf and they both are trying to cheer me up. So he's like you need a drink and I'm like no I'm good and he's like I'll get you juice or alcohol, you choose and I'm like nah I'm good. So Ash is like no get her a drink. So he's like I'm going down there to get something, come with me and I'm like no I don't want to walk through these people with tears in my eyes and of course Ash pushes me to go with him.
We get to the bar and he's talking to me about alcohol and how I'm no match for him and I really appreciated it because it cheered me up. It was also real cool because sometimes I don't know if he likes me or not and I'm always telling Ash that.
So I know everyone is wondering why I was crying and the reason is because I felt lonely all over again. I mean I was with all my friends and we were having a good time but I just wanted what they had for a sec. I wanted to have a bf and be there with him and dance with him and just have a nice time and take pics with him. I think it really hit me because I never had that in my life and I am 22years old. I know that was the wrong time to be thinking about that but I couldn't help it due to my surroundings.
After the boatride I was telling Stuy and he was like damn babe I wish you told me it was a couple thing and he felt bad. But then we get on the topic that we aren't official and he's like I don't be acting as if I even want to be official with him. Truth be told I really don't know if I want it...with him that is....
I got on the boat and was taking professional pictures and then I wanted to take pics on my own camera. This couldn't happen because I forgot my camera in the car. I was pissed and sad because I always have to have pics (yea I know I'm dramatic).
We all chilling on the 3rd floor of the boat and it was cool. Music was nice and we was taking pics and dancing and stuff. So then we all sat down and I took a look around at the people I came with. Ash was with her bf, my sis was with hers, and a couple of my other homegirls were. Then this feeling just hit me and I became sad. Neqs asked me if I was ok and I'm like yea I'm fine...and then I felt my eyes water up. I decided to just look up to make them go away before anyone sees and then Ash taps me and asks if I was ok. I look at her and say yes (bad move). She saw my eyes glistening and was like n your not and then the tears fell. I tried to wipe them away but she kept asking what's wrong and I'm like I'm fine. So she tells her bf and they both are trying to cheer me up. So he's like you need a drink and I'm like no I'm good and he's like I'll get you juice or alcohol, you choose and I'm like nah I'm good. So Ash is like no get her a drink. So he's like I'm going down there to get something, come with me and I'm like no I don't want to walk through these people with tears in my eyes and of course Ash pushes me to go with him.
We get to the bar and he's talking to me about alcohol and how I'm no match for him and I really appreciated it because it cheered me up. It was also real cool because sometimes I don't know if he likes me or not and I'm always telling Ash that.
So I know everyone is wondering why I was crying and the reason is because I felt lonely all over again. I mean I was with all my friends and we were having a good time but I just wanted what they had for a sec. I wanted to have a bf and be there with him and dance with him and just have a nice time and take pics with him. I think it really hit me because I never had that in my life and I am 22years old. I know that was the wrong time to be thinking about that but I couldn't help it due to my surroundings.
After the boatride I was telling Stuy and he was like damn babe I wish you told me it was a couple thing and he felt bad. But then we get on the topic that we aren't official and he's like I don't be acting as if I even want to be official with him. Truth be told I really don't know if I want it...with him that is....
Friday, May 8, 2009
Backing Out of Graduation
The other day I was looking through the millions of pictures I have on facebook and I stumbled on my sister's graduation pictures. I remembered how we all drove there as a family and stayed at her apartment and went to the graduation late and pretended we was there the whole time. GOOD TIMES LOL.
Now I think about my graduation that is coming up in two weeks on May 18 (woohoo lol) and I can't help but feel sad that I won't have the same experience. A lot of my family members who I want there aren't coming anymore.
My dad said he wasn't coming from jump because my mom is going to be there. ERR Like are you serious??? He says he doesn't want to be around her and he just rather not go. Now you would think the man that paid for me to go to college for 4yrs and use to drive my friends and I back and forth for the first 2yrs would want to be there to see his daughter get her degree. NOOO!!!! Instead he wants act stupid. Like why can't you just deal with it. No one is asking for you to talk to my mom or anything, just come and support. I remember seeing the pic with my sis in the middle and my mom and dad on each side and I can't help but feel jealous because I want a pic like that as well.
Next you have my sis (same one as above) who can no longer attend my graduation because the stupid judge decided to say the paternity test is that day. Now I don't blame her or anything but I'm real upset because I'm really close with her. I skipped my graduation for my associate's degree to go to her graduation because I knew she wanted me to be there and she was getting her bachelor's. Now she can't even attend my own grad.
Then you have my oldest sister who, in my opinion, doesn't really have a valid excuse. It was all planned that she was going to drive down with my brother and yesterday my brother calls and tells me she says she's not going anymore because she has to take some test June 6 and hasn't started studying. So instead of her coming to support her sister and watch her attain her degree, she'll be home "studying". I think its a load of sh**.
Then you have my brother who was suppose to ride in the car with my other bro n sis but since they're not driving anymore, he can't go.
It's like everyone is backing out of this last minute and I can't do nothing about it. I'm still going to try and enjoy my big day but I will always feel that void because of the lack of support. Congrats to me right smh.
Now I think about my graduation that is coming up in two weeks on May 18 (woohoo lol) and I can't help but feel sad that I won't have the same experience. A lot of my family members who I want there aren't coming anymore.
My dad said he wasn't coming from jump because my mom is going to be there. ERR Like are you serious??? He says he doesn't want to be around her and he just rather not go. Now you would think the man that paid for me to go to college for 4yrs and use to drive my friends and I back and forth for the first 2yrs would want to be there to see his daughter get her degree. NOOO!!!! Instead he wants act stupid. Like why can't you just deal with it. No one is asking for you to talk to my mom or anything, just come and support. I remember seeing the pic with my sis in the middle and my mom and dad on each side and I can't help but feel jealous because I want a pic like that as well.
Next you have my sis (same one as above) who can no longer attend my graduation because the stupid judge decided to say the paternity test is that day. Now I don't blame her or anything but I'm real upset because I'm really close with her. I skipped my graduation for my associate's degree to go to her graduation because I knew she wanted me to be there and she was getting her bachelor's. Now she can't even attend my own grad.
Then you have my oldest sister who, in my opinion, doesn't really have a valid excuse. It was all planned that she was going to drive down with my brother and yesterday my brother calls and tells me she says she's not going anymore because she has to take some test June 6 and hasn't started studying. So instead of her coming to support her sister and watch her attain her degree, she'll be home "studying". I think its a load of sh**.
Then you have my brother who was suppose to ride in the car with my other bro n sis but since they're not driving anymore, he can't go.
It's like everyone is backing out of this last minute and I can't do nothing about it. I'm still going to try and enjoy my big day but I will always feel that void because of the lack of support. Congrats to me right smh.
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