Trifling Family

My weekend started off really bad. I got into a big altercation with my oldest sister for taking my money after I told her not to and this stupid girl had the nerve to call the cops on me. So for the first time in my life I was arrested and taken to jail. I don't think I can explain all the emotions that were going through my body and mind throughout this whole ordeal. I felt rage, anger, sadness, and betrayed. Despite me cursing her out or breaking things, it shouldn't have gotten to the point where she had to call the cops. I more so feel this way because she said she felt like her life was threatened but she didn't call them until about 10-15min after this whole fiasco happened.

My experience at the precinct and at bookings wasn't so horrible, but it was still bad. The cell at the precinct was so cold and the toilet looked so nasty and smelled bad. I was there for about 5hrs before I was finally taken to bookings. At bookings, I shared a cell with about 20 other women that were in there for various reasons and although I spoke to a few, it was not where I wanted to be. The fact that I had to pee in the open space or sleep on a mat on the floor was very disgusting to me. The only good thing was there was heat so I wasn't as cold as before. I wasn't able to see a judge until around 6pm and since this was my first encounter with the law and the whole scenario was so ridiculous I was let go. BUT, there is an order of protection which means I can't stay at my house if that girl that I once referred to as my sister is there. I'm just so over her and I will no longer consider her family. In my eyes, she died the night I got arrested. I may be overreacting but that's just how I feel. After this encounter with jail, I know for a fact that I don't ever want to go through this again (even though I knew this before).

Meltdown

Last night I had a complete meltdown. I think one day I am going to go completely crazy and throw a temper tantrum.

It started with watching tv in dear old mommy's room when she says she wants to take a nap before going to church. So I said okay and went into my sisters room/where I sleep/ex living room and go on my computer and watch tv with my sisters. They then leave for church leaving me with the tv and peace and quiet. Now last night there were 3 good things on tv at the same time, documentary on Nicki Minaj, Soul Train Awards, and Real Housewives of Atlanta. So I'm flipping back and forth trying to watch all three shows when everyone returns from church. When they walk in, I am watching Nicki Minaj and my older sister is saying change it because she doesn't want to watch it and all this nonsense and even though I informed her the show would be over in 15min she kept carrying on. So I said take your stupid ass remote control and I went upstairs. Then my mom wants to put in her 2 cents as if I'm not already annoyed so I bark on her. Then I cursed. Now this may not be a big thing, but I never curse in front my holy mother (unless I'm joking or reciting a story).

I finish watching my shows and then I decide to go to bed. Now everything hits me, this isn't suppose to be how my life is right now. I graduated with honors from school, yet I still don't have a permanent job. My dad told me he would be there to help me out when he got out the hospital, but he left me. This is when the tears started falling and I couldn't quite get it to stop. I blamed God for taking away the only man that seemed to love me and wanted to help me in any way possible. He promised everything was going to be okay, but instead everything got worse. My other sis tried to console me, as well as my bff but in the end no one can ever help. This pain will never go away. The fact that I'm still living at home without a room and living in bins and sharing closets isn't helping either. I just wanna know when it will be my turn to just be happy again??!!!

Family Feud

Now there's always been drama in my family because my father's side of the family doesn't get along with my mother's side...and that's being nice. I should say my father's side HATES my mother's side. But you would think that these grown adults would put their differences aside at this time and just get through with the planning of my father's funeral arrangements....but nooooo.

Now to top things off, there's threats being made and my mother and some of her family and friends dont think she should go to the funeral or the wake. Now everytime they ask me my opinion on this matter, I say that I think that she should go. I don't care how many times they threaten or talk about my mother, I feel like they would talk about her even more if she didn't show up to her own husband's services. But in the end the decision is up to her and she's going to do what she wants to do.

I just feel like this isn't a time to be worried about drama and everything. I think this is a time to be focused on my father and my father alone and everyone that is dealing with all this other nonsense just doesn't matter to me. I'm so over everyone. Tomorrow is the wake and Saturday is the funeral and burial so we will see if everything is going to go as smoothly as I would like. I will keep yall posted.