Bed Bugs?!?!?!

So against a lot of different advice from different people I'm trying to work things out with Stuy and last night was my first time seeing him in about a month or more.

I went over to his place after work last night and at first I felt very awkward because it was the first time we saw each other since we broke up. He was all laid up in bed and I was just standing there watching the tv and texting and waiting for him to give me something to sleep in. He finally gave me a t-shirt and I got in the bed. We automatically started messing around n such and things sort of felt normal again lol.

So after we are just laying there watching tv and from the side of my eye I see something dark on the bed and I kind of sit up to look and its a huge bed bug!!!! I don't really know what to do, but then I see a baby one crawling right by it so I sit up. It starts to come closer to me so I say omg there's something crawling on the bed and I think it's a spider (I was kind of too embarrassed to say the truth). I'm like kill it or swat it off but he's like he doesn't see it. But I refused to lay back down. Then finally I swat the bed myself and cautiously lay back down. By this time the huge bedbug is moving and is now crawling on the wall. I keep l0oking at it discreetly because I was scared it would come my way but it didn't thank god. So sad to say I didn't have a good night rest last night because of my nervousness.

Now I know they only come out in the dark so I always make him leave the tv on so that his room is not pitch black when we sleep but I wake up at 5am and I don't see anything. This dummy turned the tv off and now I'm in panic mode. I'm trying to turn the tv on but the remote isn't working so I keep fidgeting until I was finally able to get it to work and I turned it right back on.

But I'm talking to my sis and I'm telling her about this and she's like I should tell him to get a spray but I'm too embarrassed for him to even mention the fact that he has bedbugs. I keep wondering if he knows he has it and he's ok with it or if he's completely clueless. I don't know what to do? How would you break it to your significant other that they have insect problems and its causing you to not be comfortable in their living domains (without hurting their feelings of course)???? Help me out please

Married Man

Good news...I finally got a new laptop so I am back on my blogging full time (woohoo). The story of this new laptop will come soon.

First thing first, I have to introduce Married Man. One day I was walking home and chatting away on the phone with my sister and this car is driving along side me and speaking to me and we are cracking jokes. I reach my house and as I am about to go inside, he says wait can he have a minute so I come back downstairs and we speak a bit and exchange numbers.

A couple days later he hits me up and says he wants to see me and he's going to come and pick me up from the train station. When I reach, I call him but he doesn't pick up his phone so I go home. I end up hanging out with friends and we go to a diner. He calls me and sees that I am upset and wants to come see me and we speak a lil and he tells me he really likes me and all this other "game". I proceed to ask him questions about his life because of his age (31). He informs me that he is married with 2 daughters but he is separated from his wife. Here's the crazy part......they still live together. RED FLAG!!!!!

Against my better judgement I continue to talk to this man, but that's as far as it went. One night we make plans to go to the movies and when the time was nearing for him to come pick me up, he is nowhere to be found. He wasn't responding to my texts or phone calls. I got stood up smh.

I didn't hear from him for another 3-4days and then one day he texts me and of course I have an attitude and I tell him I don't want to deal with him anymore because he played himself. He then goes on to say that he was on his way to me that night but he got pulled over by the police and because he had a warrant, he was arrested. He says the whole time he was locked up he kept thinking about me and he knew I would be really upset and all this other crap. I continue to give him the cold shoulder but one night he offers to pick me up from work and I agreed to it.

He shows up (almost 2hrs late) and we are driving around and wind up at a lil soul food restaurant. We talk about different things and then we proceed to go home.

It was bad enough that the whole time he kept trying to kiss me and touch me and I let it be known he was in the dog house. We reach my block and parks the car and we continue to talk and he proceeds to attempt to kiss me even though I kept turning my face away. Long story short he tries to have sex with me in the car, in front of my house. I had to use strength to push him away and ask him to stop. Honestly, I feared that he wouldn't and it would've turned ugly but luckily it didn't. I got out the car and went inside my house. I haven't spoken to him since (minus the time he texted me asking if everything was ok and I responded I'm fine).

Guess it worked out for the best because I had no business with a married man in the first place right.

Horrible Morning

Today I had a very big interview with a trading company on wall street and I was looking forward to it all week. I made sure I printed out a few resumes yesterday, as well as researched the company and took some notes to show interest and have questions for the interviewer.

I wake up this morning at 645am to use the bathroom and then went back to bed with my phone right next to me because my alarm was set to go off at 740am. I wake up and I look down on my phone and it reads 902am. I jumped out of bed and rushed to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and washed my face. Now understand people that my interview was scheduled for 10am so you can understand why I am rushing and why I didnt get the chance to shower (I know very nasty but at the time I definitely didnt care).

I put on my suit and then realize my shirt is wrinkled and then I had to find my shoes. Then I get upset again when I see that its warm out and my mom has my "interview jacket" and I am stuck wearing my big ass pea coat. So I'm rushing to the bus in heels in a full suit and pea coat sweating bricks. I wanted to just turn back home and take a L for this job but I didn't.

Long story short I get there @ 1030am and I tell the lady I have an appt with such n such and I sit there waiting. Then this man comes out and asks for my resume and then goes back in. 5min later this older man in shorts and running sneakers comes out and ask what time was our appt and I say 10am and he says because I was late he has to reschedule. I was so tight n disappointed in myself. I rescheduled for monday but I feel like I already blew my chances on this position because first impressions are lasting impressions and I just showed that I am not responsible.

Are We Skipping Holidays??

As we all know Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and as normal human beings we are all looking forward to that good ol home cooked meal. But I got hit with major disappointment yesterday, NOONE IN THE FAMILY IS COOKING!!!!

My mother and aunts all said they aren't cooking this year because of the death of my father and although I can understand, I'm just beyond sad. I really want to eat and although I can go over to other people's houses, there's nothing like that meal that is cooked in your own home. Next they are going to say no christmas or birthdays. This is outrageous!!!!

I refuse to eat chinese food next thursday lol.

Overreacting As Usual

Everything has been going good with me and Stuy lately and I've been pretty happy. But of course that wasn't going to last.

Thursday we're on the phone talking and I mention to him that my male best friend is visiting from Atlanta on Sunday and I plan on chilling with him on MONday after work. He automatically says no I'm not and I'm like yes I am. He goes on to say that he's not okay with that and I'm like well that's my best friend and I haven't seen him in mad long so I will be chilling with him Monday. Then he says he finds it funny that I have time to chill with this guy but I never have time for him. Like are you really serious?? This guy goes to school from Monday-Thursday and works Monday-Friday and I work mostly Monday-Friday. The only time we really get to see each other is on the weekends or if I go see him in the week right quick so I was annoyed he even put that blame on me. I ended up hanging up the phone on him.

Friday I call him on my lunch break, but I notice that he is being shady. When I question him he says no he's not. He finally admits that he is still upset about the day before and the fact that I'm disrespecting him because I said I'm going to chill with my friend. I personally don't think its disrespectful and I'm like I respect you enough to tell you. I could've just went n hung out and then told you after...or not at all. In the end he says if I plan no chilling with my friend, then we are over and to not call him again. So I said well I am goingto chill with my friend and that's that. So he says its over and I hang up.

So I'm asking pple if they agree with Stuy...is it disrespectful to hang out with my best friend and everyone agrees with me.

Later that night, Stuy starts texting me as if nothin even happened, mind you its like 4am. I question him and ask why are you texting me and he says wow he can't text me. We keep going back and forth and in the end he's like give me my fuckin money and get your ipod. So I say fine. So to me we are over.

When I'm heade to him, he asks me to bring him food cuz he's sick and hungry and even though I didn't want to, I did anyway. We end up talking about everything and I guess you can say we worked it out, but I let it be known that we are not back together. I really don't know if I want to be with him anymore.

One of the reasons is because he admitted to me that he started talking to another girl when I went to Miami in October. I'm in utter shock right now. Then he has the nerve to say that we was broken up...I'm like we broke up for 2 fuckin days and you started talkin to some next girl. He says that nothing happened between him and her, they just hung out twice but idk how to grasp that. I mean you didn't just meet this girl. She must have been around prior to you supposedly "talking to her". So right now, I'm keeping my distance.

What do you guys think about everything??

Sadness

I tend to find myself always sad nowadays and sometimes its unbearable. I think about all thats going on in my life and I wonder where did I go wrong. What am I doing (or not doing) to be happy? I don't really speak on my feelings because I don't like to look weak nor do I like sympathy from pple but there is just but so much an individual can take.

I've spoken to my 2 besties about this and they suggested that I get a notebook and write about everything that is going on in my life whether its good or bad and makes me sad or happy and to give it to someone I trust and allow them to read it. Then when they are finished, I can have someone to talk to who may truly understand what is going on with me.

I think that was a great idea but I have yet to actually do it. I always look at blogging as a way to get things off my chest but then again there are some things I rather not reveal to the world about myself.

I have always had a sadness within me that I can barely explain to pple but with the death of my father, it has gotten worse. I try to do things that will make me happy (at least I think) but in the end I find myself unsatisfied. I'm at a party and still somewhat sad. I just hope I can find a way to cope with this before it gets "uncontrollable".

It Felt So Real

"Your father's coming home tomorrow so make sure that this house is clean. We don't need him coming home to a mess after being gone for about 2months." says mother

We all decided on what we would clean in the house to make everything spotless for daddy when he arrives. We did the laundry, cleaned both bathrooms, cleaned all 3 rooms, swept and vacuumed the hallway and stairs. We polished the wood and mopped the floors and cleaned all the dishes and made the bed and had everything ready for his arrival. We were all excited and couldn't wait to see that man walk through those doors, back into our happy home.

I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face and said I would wake up bright and early and shower and be sitting at the door when he walked in. But unfortunately, I overslept.

Next thing I know I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I wiped my eyes and sat up in bed. My bedroom door slowly opened and in walked the most important man in the whole wide world!!!! I screamed, "DADDY!!!!!!" and jumped out of bed and ran to him and gave him the tightest hug.

"Shay let him go. You're hurting him. Let him get to his bed to rest" said mommy.

I let him go and walked him to my room with a big smile on my face. I was happy for the first time in months. My daddy was home and everything was going to be okay. The cancer was gone and all his problems were no more. I couldnt have asked for anything more.

I opened my eyes and realized where I was and looked towards the door waiting for it to open. But it never did. I then realized I wasn't living in my big house anymore and my dad wasn't going to walk in through that door. I was all alone and the happiness I felt in that dream wasn't going to happen. I cried. I cried the same way I cried on September 13 when I got the text message saying that daddy was gone. I cried my eyes out and felt the pain all over again. I just wanted him to come back in my life but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I cried until I went back to sleep...went back to darkness.

Will this pain ever go away??
Will I ever be happy again??